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10 Ways to Recapture Your Husband’s Heart

  • Cindi McMenamin Contributing Writer
  • 2020 26 Sep
10 Ways to Recapture Your Husband’s Heart

I’ll never forget the day I was cleaning through my top dresser drawer and found a treasure.

I almost threw out the stack of aged, yellowed papers, weathered by time and slightly torn on the edges. When I unfolded the papers and read through them, I instantly realized why I’d kept them all those years. They were love letters from my husband written nearly 30 years ago and they contained phrases such as “I love you beyond expression” and “You complete me like no other.”

As I read those words, my eyes teared up. And then my heart dropped. I haven’t had a letter like this from him in years.

How I would have liked to believe that I hadn’t changed a bit through the years and that he was the one who grew distant and less interested over time. I felt convicted, though, to put that magnifying glass up to myself and ask if I was still the same woman to whom he wrote those letters. Suddenly I wished I could turn back the clock and have that man I married see me the way he once did – as the captivating woman he fell in love with. And then I realized if that was to happen I had to become the woman I once was – as a young bride – and treat him like I once did.

I went to a portion of Scripture that describes young, exciting love and from the “Shulamite bride” in Song of Songs, discovered ten ways that I could act like a new bride again and recapture my husband’s heart. And you know what happened? As I started talking to him and treating him the way I once did, it wasn’t long before he became the man I once married.

See if these ten ways to recapture his heart don’t transform your marriage, too.

  • 1. Delight in his love.

    1. Delight in his love.

    The Bible’s Song of Songs opens with King Solomon’s bride saying “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth – For your love is better than wine” (Song of Songs 1:2, NKJV). Wine is a metaphor for pleasure, intoxication, sweetness, and exhilaration. This woman was saying the love of her beloved brought her indescribable and incomparable joy and delight.

    Can you say that? How about telling yourself that if you don’t quite feel it yet. What we focus on grows. So, focus on his qualities that once had your heart on fire and let him hear you talking wonderfully about him. It will touch his heart.

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  • 2. Fall in love with his scent and the sound of his name.

    2. Fall in love with his scent and the sound of his name.

    In the very next verse, the young bride says, “Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you!” (Song of Songs 1:3). You could say this young bride loved everything about her husband – the smell of his clothing, the scent of his skin, the sound of his name. In fact, the mere mention of his name aroused in her pleasurable thoughts and great affection.

    How do you say your husband’s name? In an exasperated tone? In a demanding tone? Or in an admiring tone, showing him that he is dear to you? Fall in love all over again with the scent of his skin and the sound of his name. Every man wants to be admired. Especially by his wife. 

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  • 3. Ask about the details of his day.

    3. Ask about the details of his day.

    The young bride said, “Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday” (Song of Songs 1:7). In The Message this passage reads: “Tell me where you’re working – I love you so much – Tell me where you’re tending your flocks, where you let them rest at noontime. Why should I be the one left out, outside the orbit of your tender care?” This bride wanted to know where her husband was, not from suspicion, but because she longed to know what he was doing, and how his day was going. He occupied her thoughts.

    Do you think of your husband throughout the day wondering how that meeting went, what he’s encountering, and how he’s doing? Do you show an interest in his everyday life and job? No husband wants to have to give his wife an account for the details of his day if he feels like he’s being interrogated. But every man wants to know he is on his woman’s mind.

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  • 4. Return his compliments.

    4. Return his compliments.

    In the Song of Songs, Solomon clearly adored his bride and heaped compliments upon her. But instead of a shy “thank you” or a denial because we disagree with our husband’s compliment (how many times do we do that, girls?) she returned the compliment and talked of how stunning he was: “How handsome you are, my beloved! Oh, how charming!” (Song of Songs 1:16). Granted, this is much easier to do when your husband is doting on you. Even still, do you often tell your husband how handsome – or hot – he is?

    If your husband hasn’t complimented you in quite a while, take the initiative to begin talking him up, genuinely and sincerely. As you begin to focus on his qualities and compliment him often, it’s likely he’ll begin complimenting you again, too.

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  • 5. Focus on his uniqueness.

    5. Focus on his uniqueness.

    In the first half of Song of Songs 2:3, Solomon’s bride says, “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men.” It’s clear here that her husband was taller than the other men. She delighted in the way he “stood out from the crowd.”

    Do you see your husband as 10 feet tall even if he’s not? It’s easy for you and I to compare our husbands to others and maybe even focus on how they fall short. But in what ways does he stand out? In what areas is he smarter, sharper, more experienced, unique? Start letting him know that you see him as taller or stronger or better than he actually is. He may begin to walk a little taller when you do.

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  • 6. Let him know you feel safe in his arms.

    6. Let him know you feel safe in his arms.

    In Song of Songs 2:4, the bride says, “He brought me to the banqueting house; and his banner over me was love.” She was describing how his love for her helped her feel protected and at ease. There is a comfort expressed here in their sexual relationship, which is huge to a man. A man feels like a man when he knows his wife enjoys him (physically and sexually) and feels protected by his strength and love for her.

    Can you let your husband know how safe you feel in his arms and by knowing he loves you intimately? Some wives find it difficult to talk about intimacy with their husbands. But your husband wants to know how you feel and especially if you are feeling safe, protected, and loved by him.

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  • 7. “Catch” what is causing conflict and rid the house of it.

    7. “Catch” what is causing conflict and rid the house of it.

    “Catch us the foxes,
         The foxes that spoil the vines,
    For our vines have tender grapes” (Song of Songs 2:15, NKJV).

    “Foxes that spoil the vines” is a reference to small pests or intruders that were a common problem for vineyard keepers.  Every marriage has “little foxes” in the form of problems, differences, or irritations that can run through the marriage and cause conflict. This bride recognizes the need to catch them right away so they weren’t allowed to live with them, and continue to wreak havoc in their vineyard (another word for marriage or sexual experience). She also recognized that what they had was tender and she wasn’t willing to let anything spoil it.

    Can you be devoted to catching whatever runs through your marriage and seeks to destroy it?

    Sometimes it’s the little things that become big things later on. Iron out those differences as you go along. Address situations so they don’t pile up. And be on the alert for “intruders” in the way of distractions, interruptions, misplaced priorities, and unhealthy boundaries when it comes to protecting your unity.

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  • 8. Recognize you two belong to each other.

    8. Recognize you two belong to each other.

    Long before the Apostle Paul instructed the Ephesians that when they married they were one body and belonged to one another (Ephesians 5:21-33), this young bride sang: “My beloved is mine and I am his” (Song of Songs 2:16). She was echoing the Genesis 2:24 proclamation and command that the husband and wife become “one flesh.” She was able to sense, in this gift of love, that her husband was hers and she was his. That lent to a generosity toward one another sexually as well as sacrificially.

    How could any man not desire a woman who considers her body his own and his body hers? Start treating your body like a gift for your husband and help take care of his body as if it were an extension of your own. Because, according to the Word of God, it is!

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  • 9. Initiate reconciliation when you realize you’ve grown complacent.

    9. Initiate reconciliation when you realize you’ve grown complacent.

    In Song of Songs 5:2-8 (go ahead, get out your Bible and read it!), we see the beginning of what looks like “everyday life.” Has the honeymoon worn off? Is the once passionate wife now a little tired of having her husband around? When he comes to her, she has closed off her heart (doesn’t see or hear him, isn’t interested).

    In every marriage, complacency sets in. We get tired, bored, or just plain uninterested, sexually. We sometimes even begin to have excuses for why we don’t want to be intimate, why we don’t feel like talking, and why we don’t even want to be close to our husbands. It’s normal to experience periods of apathy or indifference. But don’t remain in that state. Like the Shulamite bride, repent for your state of complacency (v. 6-8), reawaken your affection for your husband (v. 10-16), and change your heart, seeking to reconcile (Song of Songs 6:1-13).

    You and I might sometimes get the discernment that something needs to change in the relationship or a problem needs to be dealt with. Can we do it graciously, admitting our part in what went wrong? A husband who knows his wife is eager to reconcile is a husband who will not hesitate to admit when he is wrong. Be the one to initiate reconciliation.

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  • 10. Invite him to find pleasure in you.

    10. Invite him to find pleasure in you.

    In Song of Songs 4:16, the new bride says: “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” This young, obviously confident bride invited her husband to find pleasure in her. There is nothing more appealing to a husband than for his own wife to initiate lovemaking and that happens when you and I are confident in who we are, confident we are loved, and confident we won’t be rejected.

    In Song of Songs 7:1-9, Solomon gives a detailed description of his bride from the sandals on her feet to the hair on top of her head. Some commentators believe she might have been dancing before him as he compiled this description.

    Now you might be thinking If I were a young bride with a lean flat stomach and looked like her, yeah, I’d dance before my husband. But perhaps you aren’t comfortable with your husband inspecting you from head to toe. Or maybe he’s made a remark in the past that has you feeling self-conscious. I realize it is ingrained in us by our culture (and perhaps by some past wounds, too) to not be an “object” before any man and to be offended at any reference to your body being a point of visual pleasure for your husband. Yet, please remember something: You are his for life – the only woman your husband can gaze upon and enjoy with a right heart before God.

    Think about it. If your husband looks at anyone else the way he is allowed by God to look at you, he will be committing adultery in his heart. So, let him feast his eyes on you. Allow him to enjoy what he sees by taking the best care of yourself that you can, by dressing nicely, smelling pleasantly, and looking at him with eyes that you once had for him. Perhaps as you begin to look at him the way you once did, he will return that look the way he once did. 

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    Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 17 books who has been married 30 years to a pastor and introvert. Her newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, released Feb. 1 from Harvest House Publishers, and will help you diffuse the tension and heat up the passion in your marriage. Grab it at a special introductory sale price today or find more resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, at her website: