5 Co-Parenting Habits to Avoid and Adhere to after Divorce

It’s easy to fall into patterns of hyper-independence after surviving divorce. The kids have two homes, two sets of rules and two sets of rules and two parents now operating outside each other. Sometimes it’s easier and less painful to live autonomously as if your ex-spouse doesn’t exist. However, this usually only causes stress and drama when making important decisions without consulting the other.

Of course, it’s fine to make insignificant choices that only impact your child when he/she’s on “your time,” but decisions that affect both households, like when to buy your child a cell phone or a new activity that requires support from both parents, should require a conversation. This can become extremely tense when one parent feels differently on any given topic, but the least we can do for our kids is attempt a discussion, of course, and compromise.

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Most divorced parents have been there. Our ex-spouse isn’t responding to one of our messages or giving us the answer we’d like, so the kids become the middleman. This may be necessary occasionally, but as a rule, it’s best not to involve the kids as much as possible when communicating with our ex. 

If you’re having difficulty getting responses from your ex, asking for a phone call or even an in-person meeting to discuss ways to work better together can be helpful. It helps to frame things positively, as if you’re still on the same team with the goal of giving your kids a peaceful home life. 

This may feel impossible after a volatile divorce, but it’s always worth it to try, and I’ve found that after enough time has gone by, it becomes easier to have productive and civil encounters. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, pray before every text exchange, phone call, or meeting with your ex. It often takes God's supernatural peace to control our emotions and speak in love, even when we’re upset or pushed to the limit.

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Divorce is tricky, and it’s almost impossible to land solidly on our feet without any confusion, blurred lines, or unstable boundaries. Sometimes love still exists between spouses, and sometimes the relationship remains combative. And somehow, through all these unforeseen and unexpected nuances, we’re charged with raising healthy, well-developed children. It can, of course, feel overwhelming when first divorced. Still, one of the best pieces of advice I was given, post-divorce, was to talk with my ex-husband about expectations and boundaries before issues arise…which they undoubtedly will.

Some divorced friends of mine have encountered problems with their ex texting too often, or too late at night, for example. Another friend encountered stress when her ex started coming into the house, picking up the kids, and sitting next to her during sports games. Good boundaries, unfortunately, don’t build themselves. More often than not, a mature, calm conversation between co-parents must happen before better habits can form. Good boundaries can be inclusive as well. After her young children kept requesting to eat dinner with both “mommy and daddy,” a friend of mine and her ex established one night a month they’d all eat together as a “family,” so the kids had that night to look forward to.

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One of the common denominators in co-parenting success is mutual forgiveness. Even under the “best” circumstances, there is much to forgive after divorce. Even when mutually dissolved, it’s nearly impossible not to carry feelings of sorrow, pain, remorse, regret, and blame toward ourselves and/or our spouses. But we need to learn to forgive to effectively work together for the good of the kids.

One way to know if we’ve really forgiven our spouse is to observe what emotions arise when our ex is thriving. Many conflicting emotions may arise when our spouse is happy and successful, even when they fall in love. The most helpful tip I’ve found is remembering that the kids always benefit when our ex is doing well. This can be a painful reality because we’re only human. Another powerful litmus test determining whether we carry unresolved bitterness is our ability to pray for our ex. This may sound wildly unnatural and perhaps even inappropriate to some who’ve been emotionally abused, manipulated, or mistreated by their ex, but we know this is the Jesus way.

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It can be difficult to raise children in two separate homes with opposing rules and lifestyles. Claiming respective summer vacation weeks, arguing whether to allow certain medications or medical procedures, or allowing a child to play multiple sports in one season are just a few examples of differences that can easily erupt into highly polarizing power struggles.

The best way to handle these situations when they arise is to involve the Holy Spirit and step back and view the situation through a big picture lens. Often, and understandably, we become so emotional and often exaggerate the issue's magnitude. The fight for control or to get our way sometimes overshadows the cause itself. For example, if you’re arguing about purchasing your teenager their first car, there may be nothing you can do to control the situation's outcome. Your spouse may ignore all your input and move forward. However, they insist. Instead of threatening, or seeking revenge, or letting the situation undue us, this is when we need to give God control. God will always protect and provide for our kids, even when our ex-spouse doesn’t. There is no circumstance or situation that God isn’t able to shield and bless our kids through, because He loves them even more than we do.

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