Losing a loved one can be devastating. And not knowing how to grieve among others in your family who are also feeling pain can be challenging, to say the least. How we respond to the trauma of losing a loved one can isolate us from family members or draw us closer to one another.
With different personalities and varying degrees of what feels comfortable when it comes to expressing our grief, we could be walking into a landmine if we’re not careful. Grief looks different for everyone, and we all have a different timeline for healing. Despite the different personalities in my own family and the different relationships each of us had with my mom, I learned some positive ways to grieve with my siblings, my immediate family, and my extended family after losing a parent last year.
Here are eight suggestions on how to grieve together as a family so your loss brings you closer to one another, not further apart.
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1. Pray for a Sensitive Heart from the Start
1. Pray for a Sensitive Heart from the Start
Before getting together as a family, or each time you’ll be around a grieving family member, pray that you will have a sensitive heart toward them. Ask for the Spirit’s discernment to know what each person needs, in terms of a kind word, comfort, or understanding, even despite your own expectations and needs for comfort. Everyone grieves differently, and sometimes the worst in us can come out, especially among family, so pray that God will help you extend grace toward others and be sensitive to what they’re going through. Proverbs 15:1 in the Contemporary English Bible says, “A sensitive answer turns back wrath, but an offensive word stirs up anger.” Feelings are volatile when family members are grieving (or trying not to), so sensitivity and grace go a long way.
While our culture says that you and your feelings are all that matter, having a heart that extends grace and seeks to encourage others, despite your hurt, will pour salve on wounds. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (NASB). Pray for a sensitive heart and pleasant words to help heal others’ hurts and yours.
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2. Focus on What You Have in Common When Remembering Your Loved One
2. Focus on What You Have in Common When Remembering Your Loved One
Each of my siblings and I had a different relationship with my mom. Yet, over the years, we often shared with one another when something funny, frustrating, or difficult happened around her. After she passed, it was healing for the four of us to talk about shared experiences with her, especially the ones that made us laugh. We also shared hurtful moments as we found a bond in trying to process those feelings and realizing we weren’t alone in those experiences or wounds. Finding our common ground—the things we hold in our hearts as special, as well as the situations that still caused pain—brought us closer together and strengthened our relationships with one another.
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3. Incorporate Laughter
3. Incorporate Laughter
Laughter is indeed medicine for the soul. Proverbs 3:1 tells us there is an appointed time for every action and emotion, including “a time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.” Interestingly, those opposites are listed in the same line and context, and that’s because amid sadness, there can still be laughter. Amid the mourning, there can still be a celebration. You may have a relative who masks his or her hurt through laughter or making jokes. You may have a sibling who chooses to make light of all things. This can be annoying if the timing doesn’t seem right. However, permit yourself to laugh, experience joy, and smile, even during your sadness and grief. Grief has many layers, and extending grace and giving yourself and others permission to laugh at any time can help with your healing and theirs. Laughter also releases tension and stress, so welcome it.
It is not dishonoring to your loved one to laugh as you are grieving. They would want you to laugh, especially with your family and others who are grieving alongside you. Telling funny stories that you remember can be helpful. And remember, if you have a family member who is always making a joke, it could be that laughter is their defense mechanism or outlet, and the best way they can grieve at the time.
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5. Share an Activity That Your Loved One Enjoyed
5. Share an Activity That Your Loved One Enjoyed
My mother loved, wrote, and published music, so there are certain songs we will play or sing as we remember her. She also loved decorating for the holidays, so I invite my family over to continue that tradition and so they can see mementos that Mom once displayed. There is healing in being able to smile and appreciate something about a loved one that you or another family member didn’t appreciate before.
My neighbor just lost her mother and found the best way she can grieve is to go outside and see the flowers, hear the bird songs, and remember the times she and her mother shared a love for nature. Consider going on a nature walk with your family if that makes you feel closer to your lost loved one. Or, visit a place together that your loved one frequented, or send to family members reminders of a place you all enjoyed with the one you are missing.
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6. Worship Together
6. Worship Together
Don’t underestimate the power of corporate worship. Find opportunities to pray together, verbally praise God for the blessings despite your loss, or the joy of memories you shared together. As soon as my mother passed, I grabbed hands with my two brothers and we prayed.
We thanked God for the timing of Mom’s passing, because it was just before my youngest brother had to get on a plane and go back home.
We thanked God for the ability to be together when she passed. We prayed for my sister, who wasn’t able to be with us by the time Mom passed, and then we Facetimed with her shortly afterwards and shared our prayer with her as well. Invite God into every element of your grieving.
If some family members are unbelievers, pray that the way you handle grief will be a ministry to the unbelievers in the family who need to see your peace and hope that comes from being in a relationship with your Savior.
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7. Take Advantage of Tech to Draw Closer to Each Other
7. Take Advantage of Tech to Draw Closer to Each Other
Whether you have family members who live nearby or on the other side of the world, take advantage of tech and digital communication to draw yourselves closer to one another and grieve together. Consider establishing a family-wide message loop through which you can share pictures, videos, memories, or random thoughts that can express your feelings and encourage others in their grieving process. Some families opt for a regularly scheduled meetup through Skype or FaceTime to touch base with one another and share what’s on their hearts. Even your family members who tend to be the least expressive verbally regarding their grief may feel more comfortable sharing a short message via text or a picture on your group text loop.
Witnessing others process their feelings or just share a brief memory of Mom helps me in my healing process as well. Silence implies out of sight, out of mind. But remembering your loved ones with each other, even if just through a brief text or picture, can bring your family closer to one another during this time, which can otherwise feel isolating.
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8. Save Some Things for a Select Few Who Will Understand
8. Save Some Things for a Select Few Who Will Understand
Due to the different relationships your family members may have had with the one you’ve lost, there may be some topics or memories that are too sensitive to share. I’ve talked with many women who were closer to their father than their sisters, and that created tension, selective memories, and resentment when they got together after their father had died. The same situation can happen with someone you weren’t as close to if someone else shares a memory that feels more special than your own. Be open and honest as you grieve with one another, yet discerning about what to share and how to respond. Bring it to God first, and seek His wisdom on whether it should be something you share with someone else, not as closely connected to the situation, or with just your Lord, as you ponder it in your heart.
For more on helping your grieving heart, see Cindi’s books, When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts.
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Originally published May 22, 2025.
