It was a moment my heart ached like no other. I had just received life-changing news. Nothing would ever be the same.
I climbed into my red Jeep Wrangler, buckled my seat belt, and sped down a dark country road.
The night sky was clear and every star shone brightly. Tears poured down my face, I was in no condition to be driving. I flipped off the radio and began a fit of rage at God, "Why?! Why did you allow this to happen?"
I pulled over. The air was cold. I turned off the Jeep. The silence was eerie.
There was nothing I could do to change anything. What was going to be ... was going to be.
Do you trust Me?
The prompting on my heart of this question climbed through the layers of skepticism of who I really thought God was. Truth be told, I didn't trust God.
I trusted Him when things were good, when life was easy, but in the lowest moment of my life?
I didn't trust God.
I wish I could tell you that Jesus Himself just showed up in my car that night and I never mistrusted God again.
But that is the furthest thing from the truth.
It would be years later before I could say I trusted God again. And even today ... I have trust issues with God.
Why is trusting God so hard?
The obvious answer is, you can't see Him.
There's the sensible rebuttal, He's mysterious.
Then there's the overused answer, God's ways are just not our ways.
But today I'm thinking that trusting God is so much more than just a position we accept.
Trusting God is a place of response.
In my desperate situation that night what I really wanted to say to God was, "I need to trust You, more than ever." My soul and my mouth just didn't know how to connect that thought.
I need to trust You, Jesus.
During those days, where everywhere we turn we find uncertainty and fear, this practice of verbally placing our trust in Jesus can be powerful.
Today as I learn to trust God more, here are some things I'm saying aloud:
Jesus, I need to trust You more than ever to believe that You work all things out for our good. (Romans 8:28)
Jesus, I need to trust You more than ever to fight this battle I am facing. (Exodus 14:14)
Jesus, I need to trust You more than ever to be my God who provides beyond my limitations. (Philippians 4:19)
That night part of my lack of trust for God was from my own failure. I had fallen far from God — yet in that painful moment, He was still the One I turned to. I can't help but believe it is in these moments of complete brokenness we are able to experience God's blessings by daring to turn to Him and learning to trust Him again.
Nicki Koziarz is a woman after the 3 C's: chocolate, coffee and Christ. Visit Nicki's blog for more encouragement on trusting God.
© 2012 by Nicki Koziarz. All rights reserved.
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