When God Lets Your Dreams Die - iBelieve Truth: A Devotional for Women - November 11
"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds" (John 12:24, NIV).
"Is this what it's like to be a grain of wheat that falls to the ground and dies?" I penned in my journal. Tears streamed down my face as they landed onto my shaking hands. I'd just received the 18th and 19th rejection from my agent for a writing project I'd poured my entire being into. And yet, the words I heard in my mind broke me to my core:
You're not enough.
You're not famous.
Platform. Platform. Platform.
You'll never be like her.
You'll never be enough.
Just throw in the towel.
Give up on traditional publishing.
Give up on your dreams.
Just accept defeat.
You are a failure.
As my body began to shake, my spirit prayed with groanings I did not understand (Romans 8:26). I couldn't even get words out between the ugly sobs and dirty tissues used to clean my mess. And a mess is exactly how I felt. The more I tried to think about the situation, the less I could make sense of it and process it. Can you relate?
In John 12, Jesus is anointed in Bethany. While this foreshadows His crucifixion, Jesus first comes to Jerusalem as King. Reading the story today sickens me. Why? Because those who cried out "Hosanna" would soon scream "Crucify Him." But Jesus wasn't surprised. He knew exactly what was going to happen to Him, and this is why John quotes verse 24 this way:
"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds" (NIV).
I will not compare what feels like my publishing dreams dying to the severity of Jesus' death, but I find comfort in knowing He knew what it was like to come to the end of Himself. To be emptied of His hopes and dreams and face what felt like the end. But just as Jesus' death would produce many seeds, I know that perseverance and resilience in the face of my pain and setbacks will eventually also produce many seeds. And the dreams and hopes that will come to fruition will be better than I could ever ask, think, or imagine.
I may not know what dreams and losses you're grappling with today, but I want you to know that you're not alone and I'm still rooting for you. God is with us even when we feel as if nothing of ourselves is left. Because when we arrive in that place, with fewer of us and more of Him, we will go on to produce abundant fruit that lasts and flourishes more and more fruit.
When a grain of wheat dies, don't give up. Press into the pressure and take a step back. Think about what all those grains of wheat will go on to produce. Cling to the one who created you, and remember that He has good in store. In the breaking, in the dying, in the rebuilding, and transforming, He's holding you in the palm of His hands, and He always will.
As my friend and writing mom Becky tells me repeatedly, "I know God has a purpose in this [but] it's impossible to see it right now." And that's my prayer for you that you would cling to the goodness of God even when the darkness persists. Because you know Him, and He and His plans and timing for you are always good.
Prayer
Dear Jesus, you of all people know what it's like to fall to the ground as a grain of wheat in death. On this earth, we experience periods of intense pain, confusion, and essentially emptying of ourselves. When this happens, help us not to lose heart, but to look to you. You are our author, creator, and the source of life. You care about us, and we can trust that whether we're being pruned or falling to the ground, you still have good plans in store for us. We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the Word of our testimony, and you will have your way in us (Revelation 12:11). We love, praise, and thank you, Jesus. Amen.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/mycola
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