Day 64: Knot-free Tangles

Brothers and sisters, if someone is overtaken in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual, restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so that you also won’t be tempted. Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone considers himself to be something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Galatians 6:1–3

A young Christian recently asked me, “What’s the difference between ‘seeing sin’ in someone else’s life and simply confronting it versus having a critical spirit?” I told her I thought the key distinction between recognizing and confronting behavior that’s ungodly in someone else and passing judgment on others is the posture of our own hearts. Are we aware of other people’s mistakes because they trust us and have confided in us, or have we appointed ourselves as the “moral police” so as to justify examining blemishes in everyone else’s behavior? Because as ambassadors of Christ, part of our job description is to help restore prodigals into a redemptive relationship with Him (1 Cor. 5:11–12), not try to elevate ourselves by exposing other people’s flaws! Though the confrontational conversation can look mighty similar in terms of the exact words exchanged, God knows our real motive—either we are trying to tear someone down for the sake of feeling better about ourselves, or we are trying to build another person up for the sake of their good.

One of the most often quoted passages from the Bible regarding confronting someone in sin is:

“If your brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two others with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he doesn’t pay attention to them, tell the church. If he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like a Gentile and a tax collector to you.” (Matt. 18:15–17)

Which at first pass sounds pretty punitive. Unless we pause long enough to remember how Jesus actually dealt with tax collectors and Gentiles in the Gospels: He loved them! Therefore, while some Christians and communities of faith use the above passage to justify disciplinary consequences for those who’ve stepped over a whopper of a line, like having an extramarital affair or slandering another believer (and the New Testament does include teaching and templates for how believers should be held accountable by church leadership), I think it behooves us to focus on the restorative grace implied by Jesus in the above passage. Of course, we need parameters in place to help identify, prevent, and rectify wanton sinful behavior in our communities of faith, but perhaps even more importantly we must remember Jesus’ aim is to restore wayward souls back to the way of life, not beat “the bad” out of them!

I’ve been confronted twice lately by other Christians; one came from a red-faced stranger who was furious with me for wearing knee-high leather boots and a skirt (which came to well below my knees) to her church. She actually called me a “Jezebel” and said God would not bless me unless I started dressing more appropriately. Thank goodness I hadn’t ridden my motorcycle to her house of worship because then I would’ve been clad in leather pants, and she likely would’ve tried to have me stoned! The second confrontation came from a good friend, who tenderly pointed out my pride in a specific situation she’d been involved in. That confrontation included tears—hers—because my friend was much more concerned about my restoration than about being right. The name-calling lady had no redemptive affect. But my friend’s compassionate correction turned me back toward the forgiving arms of our heavenly Father in genuine repentance. And that right there is the difference.

As Christ followers, we’ve got to recognize that God alone has the perfect combination of holiness and mercy to stand in judgment of the human heart. Plus, we have to remember the only One worthy of condemning us chose instead to pay for our wrongdoing Himself and then pardon us! Then, in light of our own sinner-saved-by-grace stories—and only when the Holy Spirit impresses us to address someone else’s error—we’ll do so with honesty, compassion, and humility. The bottom line is, if you’re feeling giddy about catching someone else red-handed and you have several “confrontation speech” options saved on your laptop, you probably ought to keep your mouth shut for now.

• What’s the most compassionate correction you’ve received lately?
• Did it help you move toward God in repentance or away from Him—and the “confronter”—in resentment? Why?
• How might God be leading you to lovingly correct someone dear to you in this season of life, with a genuine aim of restoration and not condemnation? Or, on the flip side, how might God be leading you to lovingly receive correction that could restore you to the way of life?