Day 83: the Impossibility of His Absence

God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble.Therefore we will not be afraid, though the earth trembles and the mountains topple into the depths of the seas, though its water roars and foams and the mountains quake with its turmoil. Selah There is a river—its streams delight the city of God, the holy dwelling place of the Most High. God is within her; she will not be toppled. God will help her when the morning dawns.Nations rage, kingdoms topple; the earth melts when he lifts his voice. The Lord of Armies is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah Psalm 46:1–7

There were quite a few bumps in the road for Missy physically the first year I brought her home because of her HIV, ramifications of the malnutrition and tuberculosis she’d suffered from as a toddler, and a few other pre-existing medical issues. However, because of the audacious grace of God and the great medical care she received at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital in our hometown of Nashville, Tennessee, the past four years have been relatively smooth health-wise for my little girl. That is, until a few months ago when a lab result indicated there might be something seriously wrong with her kidneys, and we needed to come back to the hospital for more tests.

It’s never been difficult for me to speak, teach, and write about God’s sovereign goodness; I firmly believe in His compassion and would pretty much stake my own life on it. But I’ve found my firm belief in God’s goodness can get a bit flaccid when my child’s life is at stake. Needless to say, after the doctor soberly informed me that there was a problem with Missy’s kidney function—which is not uncommon for children with HIV—I found myself begging God for mercy on her behalf. Had it not been for a few dear friends who figuratively carried me to the roof and lowered me to Jesus in prayer, I probably would’ve been consumed with worry. And when we went back to the hospital for another round of tests, it was all I could do not to swipe a stray scalpel, slice myself open, snag one of my old kidneys, and ask the doc, “Here, will this fluffy one fit in my baby girl?”

Of course, I burst into tears of relief and broke out into an unrhythmic boogie of gratitude a few hours later when I got the call that her kidney function was back to normal and that tests revealed what caused them to malfunction was much less serious than it initially appeared to be. Yet, I also found myself emotionally jarred by the thought that millions of people don’t get the “everything’s okay” call like I did. Instead they’ve been rocked to their very core with news like “the biopsy’s malignant” or “the leukemia’s back” or “the tumor’s grown.”

If you’ve found yourself buckling under the weight of a bad report recently regarding yourself or someone you love, I’m so sorry. I prayed for those of you who’re dealing with heartbreaking medical issues earlier this very evening, as I watched my miraculously healthy eleven-year-old run across our property toward a beautiful sunset that I did nothing to deserve but God still delighted to give us. I don’t understand why news comes to us in the waves that it does. I can’t get my arms around why a sunset is in my yard while rain is in someone else’s this very moment. And though this kidney thing ended up alright, I can’t guarantee myself that rain isn’t coming again our way at some point, just around the bend tomorrow, or the next year, or in the next twenty years. There’s just no telling.

Ultimately, I can’t quite wrap my mind around God’s sovereign goodness or the fact that all the plans He has for us are ultimately for our good and His glory, but I’m determined to keep a white-knuckled faith-grip on these things being true. And I pray that you will, too. I pray that even as you read this our heavenly Father will bless you with a tangible sense of His comforting presence. That you will know He hasn’t forgotten you and His providence will never take you to a place where His grace isn’t sufficient. That you’ll truly believe God is with you right there in the middle of it, rain or shine.

• When you look back over your life story, can you honestly recall a chapter that includes God’s absence?
• What bad news have you gotten recently? How can you remind yourself that God is with you in the rain?
• If you are in a season of “beautiful sunsets,” how can you use this season to minister well to those who may not be?