5 Sinful Ways We React to Church Conflict

A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends. [Also separates good churches] Pr. 16:28

Sadly, gossip might not just be a reaction to church conflict it might be the cause of it. We tell everyone else about the problem, except the person with whom we have the issue. Maybe we hope others will tell her or him for us or we want to download our problem onto someone else hoping they’ll side with us. The consequence: we indulge in the sin of gossip and slander. Because each side is so sure they’re right and justified, they may not see the sinful way they’re responding. 

Or we hear a rumor of a disagreement at church and magnify it by talking to others about our opinion rather than talking to God in prayer. There should be a gossiping check in our spirit when a conversation starter is, “Did you hear the latest about…?” Or, “Someone just told me…” 

Another way the sin of gossip occurs is when we don’t like the way something is happening at church and instead of talking to the pastor or elders, we complain to other church members. Just like the childhood game of “telephone,” the more gossip is repeated the more distorted it becomes. God knew we would have the potential to gossip so He included many Scriptures warning of its danger and the sinful repercussions. 

The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts. Pr. 18:8

A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much. Pr. 20:19

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. Pr. 26:20

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/ilkercelik

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Eph. 4:3

Unresolved church conflict always results in disunity in the body of Christ as congregants take sides. The enemy seeks to divide before it destroys relationships and the church falls prey to this sin when they reject unifying solutions to issues. Disunity is Satan’s way of hindering the effectiveness of the church’s gospel witness. How can a church that claims to be united as believers in Jesus Christ attract others to Christ when they’re divided and arguing amongst themselves? 

The following verses remind us of the dangers of the sin of succumbing to Satan’s schemes to create conflictual disunity in the church and the importance of the church reflecting peace and unity in Christ. 

I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. Rom. 16:17

 I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought. 1 Cor. 1:10

Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand. Matt. 12:25

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/JLGutierrez

Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Pr. 16:18

Disagreements in the church or personal life usually stem from each side’s desire and determination to be right in their own eyes. Conflict festers when people sinfully and pridefully determine their way is the only acceptable way and refuse to accept that only God is sovereign. The Bible warns repeatedly that pride is a sin and that it will lead to a fall in our life and in the life of a church.

Congregants can become entrenched in their own self-centered convictions over maybe something as innocuous as the color of the carpet or the worship music. It can lead to a tug-a-war of ideas and wills resulting in people leaving the church or even a church split. In Acts 15:1-5, Paul and Barnabas had to settle a conflict in the church as to whether believers had to be circumcised. Later in verses 36-41, the two men had such a sharp disagreement themselves over whether or not to take John Mark on a mission trip that they separated and went separate ways, which in the end resulted in multiplying their ministry. In 1 Corinthians 9:6, Paul refers to Barnabas as a “fellow worker” indicating they did reconcile later.

However, in a church split, there are often raw and hurt feelings and one of the churches may close. 

In their own eyes they flatter themselves too much to detect or hate their sin. Ps. 36:2

Do you see a person wise in their own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for them. Pr. 26:12

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/luza studios

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Gal. 5:21-22

Anger is not a sin in itself. Even Jesus felt anger, but what we do with anger becomes the sin. In the midst of conflict, tempers may flare and unkind words spew. Perhaps ungodly words slip out. There might even be a desire to hurt the other person emotionally or physically. That’s when righteous anger turns into sinful revengeful behavior. 

Maybe anger erupts at a church board or elder meeting or congregants argue with each other. As Christians, there’s never a good excuse to become unkind in words or actions, but it happens. We’ve all experienced church conflict. In our humanness, we may take our anger out on someone instead of taking our feelings to the Lord to help us resolve the conflict in a kind and gracious way. 

Just like in the previous sinful ways we react to church conflict, God has many wise words for letting the Holy Spirit and not temperament guide actions.

Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. Pr. 14:29

Stop being angry! Turn from your rage. Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm. Ps. 37:8 NLT

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense. Pr. 19:11

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Eph. 4:31 NLT

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/ImagesbyTrista

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matt. 6:14-16

Conflict by its nature as we’ve seen in the previous points is more than a difference of opinion. The reaction can even lead to retribution or retaliation if taken to its most negative expression. Feelings are often hurt, harsh words spoken, defiance, disagreement, revenge are the antithesis of how the Bible tells us to relate to each other. Someone needs to be the first to apologize and ask for forgiveness. As Christians, we ask God to forgive us for all our past horrific sins, yet often we’re not willing to forgive others, even in the church. That’s wrong.
 
 I was hurt in church once and couldn’t even return. Then one Sunday morning, I realized how wrong it was for me to let someone else’s actions prevent me from worshipping. When I walked into church that day, one of the people who had hurt me admitted they were wrong and asked for my forgiveness. That was huge when this person accepted responsibility. How could I not then forgive? Even if they hadn’t asked, I needed to forgive in my heart to release myself from the sin of an unforgiving hardened heart. 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Eph. 4:32

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Col. 3:13-14

None of the 5 sinful ways of reacting to conflict discussed is appropriate for followers of Jesus Christ. The Scriptures are clear that God has provided healthy biblical ways for Christians to resolve conflict and avoid the negative consequences of unresolved conflict.

Acknowledging the potential for conflict allows us to teach our children that we’re not always going to agree, but God has outlined for us how to respond biblically. Sadly, in today’s culture, we see all ages from children to aging adults who don’t know how to engage in debate and disagreements without verbally, and sometimes physically, attacking each other. Many have never learned how to work through conflict in a way that both sides feel heard, even though they may end up agreeing to disagree.

Everyone in church is at different spiritual levels and degrees of maturity. Some may have misguided higher opinions of themselves, thinking they know more than others do. Some are young Christians still learning what the Christian life is and isn’t. Others might not be Christians at all. 

Even if the person you’re in conflict with isn’t a Christian, or doesn’t believe in the Bible, if you stay calm and react biblically, as we always should as Christians, you might find the other person responds appropriately. At least, you know that you did.

Learning how to resolve conflict the biblical way allows us to keep our cool and humbly communicate in a peaceful, loving manner—Christ’s way. Unresolved conflict can cause gossip, disunity, pride, unkindness, anger, unforgiveness, and even revenge—Satan’s way. When we resist Satan by adopting Christ-like behavior, the enemy retreats—at least for the moment. He’ll be back with a new strategy, but don’t allow him to get a foothold in your church.

It’s important to remember that “the church” is God’s house or gathering place, and He is the head of the household, the family of God. The only perfect person in His house is Him! The rest of the church, including the pastor, elders, and leadership are imperfect people. They make mistakes. They have a higher calling and so their mistakes can have long lasting repercussions, for which they will suffer the consequences. Sometimes, we set the pastoral staff on a pedestal and expect more from them than we expect from God. That will always lead to disappointment.

“Peace is not the absence of conflict. It’s Jesus in the middle of the conflict.” Pastor Rob McCoy

Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright. Pr. 14:9

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/bymuratdeniz