Is Your Parenting Disordered?
Recently, The NY Post reported on the rise of “digital detox camps” where worried parents hire experts at up to $8,000 a session to help their children be less addicted to screens. The kids hate it. As one founder described in a related Wire article, campers experience actual withdrawal symptoms. Some stash extra phones in their backpacks, and some even run away to avoid being separated from their devices.
The popularity of these “detox camps” relates curiously to another emerging trend: “kid concierge” services. Parents pay hundreds of dollars for “professionals” to teach their children how to organize their backpacks, how to throw a ball, and how to ride a bike. Apparently, the new “gig economy” involves “gig parenting.”
Of course, there are many instances in which professionals are needed for overwhelmed parents, and many students need serious help with screen addiction. Still, at least in general, shouldn’t parents be the ones who say “no” to unlimited screens? Shouldn’t they be doing the hard work of training their kids to perform the everyday, mundane tasks of life?
Saying “no” to kids, throwing a ball with them, limiting video games until their room is clean . . . these are all normal and natural responsibilities of being a parent. Are more parents convinced they can’t do such things? Or, even worse, are they sure that they shouldn’t have to do such things?
Part of the answer lies in what Thomas Aquinas described as ordo amoris, or “order of loves.” God created us to love Him and to love others. Our highest love and loyalty are intended for God Himself, followed by those closest to us, especially kids and family, and then neighbors and the wider world. This order reflects how God created the world and how He intended for His image bearers to inhabit it. How we order—or, after the Fall, disorder our loves lies at the root of what we value and how we live.
Cultures either cultivate order or disorder. Ours normalizes expending our energy and affections on activities and things that have little to do with God but are instead centered on self. This ordering reshapes, or rather misshapes, our values. Thus, we are told to value family as long as we don’t find them to be too “toxic.” And we should have kids if we want them, but always on our terms. The priority is always self. So, if we feel too tired or overwhelmed to offer correction or instruction, why shouldn’t we outsource the annoying parts of parenting to someone else?
A similar extreme can be seen in what is often called “lawnmowing” parenting. Lawnmower parents prioritize the comfort and ease of their kids over everything else, including moral formation or love of others. Thus, their primary work as parents is to remove any and all obstacles.
Recently, Resume Survey asked over 830 Gen Z adults who work full-time how involved their parents were in their jobs. The results are a shocking example of the fruits of disordered loves. 77% of those surveyed had brought a parent to a job interview; 53% had a parent speak with a hiring manager on their behalf; 45% regularly have one of their parents talk with their current manager; and a whopping 73% have their parents help complete work assignments. If “concierge” parents are too hands-off, “lawnmower” parents continue to over-parent adult children.
At one level, history is the story of humans thwarting, or attempting to thwart, God’s created order. Stalinist, Maoist and Nazi societies, for example, encouraged children to disobey parents and prioritize the state over family. Parental authority was seen in service to the state. How parents were marginalized in those cultures is not completely unlike ours, such as children “socially transitioned” by school officials without parental knowledge, much less consent. Add in forces of social media, and kids are easily swept into radical social ideas and separated from parents, even if they’re just upstairs.
God gave parents authority over children. When done faithfully and well, packing a bagged lunch for a 25-year-old—or worse yet, for his boss—should be a very rare occasion. Though it can feel overwhelming, Scripture contains what we need to know, to love, to discipline, and to order our lives with and around our children. In His ordering, parents are first and non-negotiable, and the goal of parenting is producing adults, who are well-ordered themselves and ready to bring up the next generation.
This Breakpoint was co-authored by Hayley Wilson.
Related Article
10 Small But Impactful Ways to Incorporate Faith in Your Parenting
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/g-stockstudio
John Stonestreet is President of the Colson Center for Christian Worldview, and radio host of BreakPoint, a daily national radio program providing thought-provoking commentaries on current events and life issues from a biblical worldview. John holds degrees from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School (IL) and Bryan College (TN), and is the co-author of Making Sense of Your World: A Biblical Worldview.
The views expressed in this commentary do not necessarily reflect those of CrosswalkHeadlines.
BreakPoint is a program of the Colson Center for Christian Worldview. BreakPoint commentaries offer incisive content people can't find anywhere else; content that cuts through the fog of relativism and the news cycle with truth and compassion. Founded by Chuck Colson (1931 – 2012) in 1991 as a daily radio broadcast, BreakPoint provides a Christian perspective on today's news and trends. Today, you can get it in written and a variety of audio formats: on the web, the radio, or your favorite podcast app on the go.
