To Submit or Not to Submit, that is the Question - Crosswalk Couples Devotional - July 6
To Submit or Not to Submit, that is the Question
By Michelle Lazurek
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:21(NIV)
During my first year as a Christian, I attended a small non-denominational church where I served on the worship team. A few months into practice, I noticed that the worship leader mistreated his wife on the team. He often made cutting remarks, disregarded her requests, and publicly demeaned her. I got so upset with this that I confronted him. He became angry that I was talking to him this way and told me I was wrong for confronting him about his behavior. When I spoke to several male leaders at my church, they all expressed that I should apologize to him. Swallowing my pride, I went up to him one day and apologized. He hugged me and said he forgave me.
The reason why I was told to apologize is that the common belief of that church was that women had to submit to men in everything. It was like a “get out of jail free card” where men could basically do what they wanted, and women could say nothing about it. To this day, I am filled with righteous anger that I had to apologize for something I was not wrong about. They sent a bad message to me at the beginning of my Christian journey that women had to stay silent and not speak up for what's right.
It's the same in marriage. Too often, I mishear the word 'submission' in the context of a relationship between a husband and wife. Because Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as you do to the Lord,” it is automatically assumed that a wife should submit to her husband in everything. While it is true that a wife's primary role is to submit to her husband, she does not have to submit to him in everything.
If her husband is in sin or is using fear or control to fuel his actions, he is not fulfilling his role to love his wife as Christ loved the church. They sometimes care more about the approval of others than they do about the approval of their wives. Although a wife’s role is to submit, the wife should not submit to their husband when this occurs. Although it is suitable for her to speak up and express that he is wrong for using fear or control to motivate his actions, whether she speaks is up to her.
Many couples cite Ephesians 5:22-23 as the main verses for their marriage, but they often miss the verse that comes above it. In the above verse, we must submit to our spouse as we submit to God. Christ will reveal to us that our spouse is doing something with the wrong motivation.
Submission is more straightforward than it is for a husband to fulfill his role to love his wife. In this verse, he must love his wife as Christ loved the church. He is to give himself up and sacrifice himself for his wife. He is to put her first in everything, forsaking his preferences and desires for his wife. If a wife feels she is being placed first in everything, it will be easier to submit to him. Even if he is doing something out of the wrong motivation, it would be easier for her to submit, knowing that he will listen to God and that God will correct it, than to forsake her role of submission.
We will submit to our spouse if we honor and love God and put him first. Husbands and wives should submit to one another, putting the other's needs above their own. This mutual respect and understanding are the cornerstones of a healthy Christian marriage, providing reassurance and comfort as challenges arise.
Father, help us to submit to each other in our marriages. Please help us submit to one another out of reverence for you. Help our love for you supersede our need to control our marriage. Please help us discern when submission is unacceptable due to sin or fear. In moments when you ask us to submit, please help us trust that you will correct the issue. Let our trust in your correction empower us not to usurp that role as the head of the marriage, but to give it back to you. Amen.
Photo Credit: GettyImages/fizkes
Related Resource: Why Couples Drift and How to Reverse It
What happens when a marriage starts drifting apart — and one or both spouses wonder if it’s even possible to reconnect? If you’ve ever felt discouraged, lonely, unseen, or unsure whether your marriage can recover, this conversation offers practical wisdom and genuine hope.
Like what you hear? Be sure to follow I Wish You Could Hear This on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
