Is There a Right Way to Disagree with Your Spouse? - Crosswalk Couples Devotional - August 25
Is There a Right Way to Disagree with Your Spouse?
By: Peyton Garland
"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ." Ephesians 4:15 (NIV)
I’ve been married long enough to recognize that two flawed people can’t live together without disagreeing about things. Sometimes, the disagreements are petty, fueled by an inconvenience as simple as hunger. Other times, the disagreements are of heavier consequences, like debating the circle of influence for your children or how to consolidate debt.
So rather than convince you of ways to not disagree, I find it more honest and humbling to present a few ways to disagree well, allowing God’s wisdom and the self-control we have through the Holy Spirit to guide us.
Scripture doesn’t disguise that human nature is prone to debate and contention, so it has made clear three ways that are, indeed, right to settle disagreements.
Let’s consider them through the lens of marriage:
1. Without anger.
A few weeks ago, my family and I went putt-putting with another couple from church. While we progressed through the course, we delved into theological topics, a common theme for us. I asked the husband’s opinion concerning the nature of hell, of which biblical descriptors he believes to be literary or figurative.
This man is well-studied, a true theologian, but he humbly said that while he isn’t sure what the physical realm of hell will be like, Scripture has listed one specific descriptor of every soul in hell: anger towards others, fueled by judgment and division.
Matthew 5:22 (ESV) says, “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”
While Jesus had the holy, beautiful ability to exhibit and maintain a righteous anger, we as humans use anger as a destructive detonator. We let it consume our convictions, take control of our emotions, and lead us into acts we wouldn’t otherwise engage in.
We can be angry when our partner does something sinful, or when they don’t reach their full potential out of laziness or selfish ambition. However, if we let that anger lead our dialogue, rather than the Holy Spirit’s gilded iron that’s meant to sharpen us, we are putty in the enemy’s hands.
Couples who disagree well understand that there are reasons you can be angry with one another, but allowing that anger to be who you are—to control what you say, what you do, and how you interact with your spouse—will do nothing but divide.
2. With a willingness to listen.
Our technological culture is so accustomed to noise that we’ve become unintentional professionals at muting whatever we don’t want to hear.
We are quick to adopt this same habit in marriage, tuning out whatever the other party is saying if it’s something we disagree with or would simply rather not entertain. But listening is the only way to uproot our pride and confess our limited understanding. It’s the only way to let go of a limited perspective to grasp the truth of the big picture. It’s our sole access to recognizing where we might be wrong.
It’s much easier said than done, but I promise that if you listen to your spouse and actively work through the faults and mistakes they have brought regarding you, you will be so focused on allowing the Holy Spirit to grow you that your spouse’s faults won’t consume your headspace.
Matthew 7:3-5 is clear that none of us live with mere specks of failures and struggles. This reality grants us humility through the Spirit, and we are more able to see our partner on an even playing field. This doesn’t mitigate disagreements, but it allows both parties to navigate disagreements with God-infused respect.
3. With a controlled tongue.
Even if we keep our anger in check, and even if we listen to our spouse, if we don’t control our tongue, a disagreement can quickly become a destructive brawl, where words are spoken with lasting damage.
James 3:5-6 (NIV) says, “Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”
The flesh uses the tongue to grasp the upper hand and ultimately “win” the disagreement. But when our spouse loses an argument to our untamed tongue, does anybody truly walk away with a prize that means anything?
No, winning an argument gives you little more than gloating privileges that simultaneously cost peace. You trade refinement for ego, and everyone, yourself included, pays the price.
Sin will never let you win. The trophy will always be made of fool’s gold. The medals will always be cheap plastic. The pedestal will quickly give you the boot.
Don’t give the enemy this power over your household and your heart. Put on God’s armor, put down your pride, and bridle your tongue for the sake of the gospel by which you are preserved (James 1:26).
Action Steps:
1. Ask the Spirit to reveal where you are at fault in disagreements, whether by anger, closed ears, or an untamed tongue.
2. Consider the benefit of calmly, respectfully saying, “Give me a few moments to de-escalate and pray” before entering a disagreement with your spouse.
Photo Credit: © Getty Images/Ridofranz
Related Resource: God’s Healing Work in Life’s Hardest Seasons
What if your hardest season is actually where God is doing His deepest work? I sit down with Victoria Arlen to talk about her book The View Is Worth It and her journey through suffering, mental health struggles, and finding hope on the other side. If you’re walking through a valley or wondering if things will ever get better, this conversation will remind you that healing is possible, hope is real, and your story isn’t over! Like what you hear? follow Bought + Beloved with Kirby Kelly on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
