Fearing You Will Become Your Parents - Crosswalk Couples Devotional - August 1
Fearing You Will Become Your Parents
By: Vivian Bricker
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18).
I have heard many of my married friends tell me they are afraid to have children because they believe they will turn into their parents. Many of these friends grew up in toxic homes and are afraid they will develop their parents' unhealthy behaviors. Due to learning many of their hurtful and mean actions, they fully believe they will become the same way when they are parents. While I understand their fear, they must know they are not their parents.
Just because a person didn't have the best parents doesn't mean they will become the same way once they have children. It can happen, but if the person truly doesn't want to be like their parents, they will ensure it doesn't. My grandpa's parents were awful. They had him and his siblings kill cats for money, they all had to sleep in the same bed (there were eight of them), and both of his parents were emotionally absent. Neither of them cared a bit for any of their children.
I'm sure this hurt my grandpa, but he never discussed it. My mom said my grandpa used to say his parents were "good for nothing," yet he never went further than that. Despite having such terrible parents, my grandpa was never mean, hurtful, or abusive to his own children. He loved my mom and treated her like a princess. She always knew she was loved and cared for.
My grandpa and grandma also loved their firstborn, a son, who passed away when he was eight years old. My mom never knew her older brother, yet my grandparents loved both of them equally. As we can see, just because someone had bad parents doesn't mean they will become like them. Instead, they can learn from their parents' mistakes and choose to do the right thing.
If your parents had a habit of making you feel bad or not good enough, you will be more careful to ensure your own children never feel that way. By looking at things from this perspective, we will see that there was a reason for our suffering—that we wouldn't make the same mistakes as our parents. We will ensure our children never feel this way since we know firsthand what it felt like not to feel good, pretty, or smart enough.
Being mindful and alert can help you feel calmer about the future. You won't become your parents because you are not your parents. You are you and they are them. Learn from their mistakes and see that you make any necessary changes in your life. Going to therapy and working on any childhood trauma may also prove to be beneficial in keeping these fears at bay. If you wanted, you and your spouse could go together and discuss any concerns.
However, therapy does not replace time with God and His Word. The Bible tells us, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18). Allow God's perfect love to drive out your fears. Fear has no hold on your life unless you allow it to control you.
Give all the fears you are holding onto today over to God. Be honest in your prayers and share with Him the full extent of your worries. God will cover you with His grace and comfort. Lean on the strength of His kindness and take heart. You will be a wonderful parent because you serve a wonderful God.
"Dear God, I fear I will become like my parents when I have a child. This scares me because my parents really hurt me. Please help me not to be like my parents and instead to love my children, raise them in Your Word, and help them come to know You. Thank You for everything You do. Amen."
Related Resource: 3 Simple Ways to Feed Your Spouse More Praise
How often do you intentionally stop to praise your spouse? To recognize and affirm their character or actions? Many of us probably cringe at answering these questions because we know we could do better! If you struggle to feed your spouse praise regularly, this episode is for you. Listen in as we share some practical steps we all can take to criticize less and affirm and build up our spouse more. If this episode helps your marriage, be sure to subscribe to Team Us on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode.
