When Your Mind Jumps to the Negative about Your Spouse - PLUS Marriage Devotional

I hate the way he leaves _______ lying around the house!

Why can’t he do _______ like me?

I feel so _______ every time I am around him lately!

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar? It’s amazing how our mind can constantly jump to the negative. If that weren’t the case, Pastor Charles Swindoll would not have said, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” That 90% concerns our thought life.

Paul, aware of our negative thought life tendency, earnestly reminds us, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Our thoughts are powerful, and Paul wants to help us steer them in a positive—and holy—direction. To the extent that we can choose our thoughts, we need to choose wisely.

Never is this exercise more important than with our spouse. First of all, we likely spend more time with our spouse than anyone else. Statistics say that most married couples spend an average of 2–4 hours together each day. That means the choices we make around our spouse are pivotal; they can either bless us or, with a negative thought life, bring us down.

Second, it’s worth underlining that the husband-wife relationship is designed by God as a package deal. The choices we make not only affect us, but also our spouses and, by extension, our children. There is a ripple effect because God has set the husband-wife relationship apart from all others by joining two people together as one flesh.

Not only has God set the marriage relationship apart, but God has elevated it. A husband-wife relationship has a unique ability to witness to Christ and reflect his glory. Paul discusses marriage and the church in Ephesians, chapter 5, which begins, “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ.” Paul’s depiction of marriage emphasizes the importance of honoring and serving one another in the name of Jesus, so that marriage can mirror His ministry and the church.

When our mind constantly jumps to the negative, is it possible that we are more concerned with our own self-interest rather than the service of another or God? Would God delight in our thoughts chipping away at our spouse rather than edifying the person whom God has called us to treasure above all others?

A reality check is helpful! Marriages often buckle under the weight of unrealistic expectations; almost half of divorcing couples cite this as a contributing factor to their split. Unrealistic expectations can certainly spur a negative thought life. Some psychologists recommend a 70/30 principle to help ground couples: Healthy marriages are on the same page roughly 70% of the time, with a 30% allowance for differences and imperfections. In other words, keep in mind that while we are one flesh with our spouse, we are not identical nor perfect!

Motivated by Scripture and grounded in reality, we have the power to choose wisely and follow Paul’s advice. This is hard. Trust me, I get it! But could it be that it is hard to refocus our minds in this way because the enemy knows the blessing that is in store for us when we are obedient? We have the choice, day in and day out: Do we feed our flesh in the moment and allow ourselves the temporary pleasure of stewing, or do we dream something higher for our family?

God wants you to know:

• Your marriage was designed to reflect the unconditional love of Jesus. That’s why it’s grounded in a covenant.
• Your marriage was designed to strengthen your walk with Christ and make the road easier. Two standing together are better than one.
• Integral to your marriage is Christ’s service. Just as God intended for you to serve one another, your marriage can be a witness to the world as you serve together for His good.

It goes without saying that if you are in an abusive situation, then the negative is an indicator that you need to seek safety. But for others, the call to a more positive thought life is good. God’s desire is for you to strengthen your bond with your spouse, live in peace, and find fulfillment through one another. Your spouse is designed to be a gift from God’s hand.

I am fond of the sailing imagery that a small, even one-degree turn of a boat wheel can set the boat on a completely different trajectory with time. Imagine our thoughts are like that wheel. What we choose to give time and energy to in the moment can steer our marriage on a better or worse course down the road.

So when your mind wants to go down a rabbit hole of complaint, remind yourself why you fell in love and married your spouse. Redirect your frustration into positive action. Consider taking Shaunti Feldhahn’s 30-Day Kindness Challenge. Ask God how you can better serve your spouse and communicate your needs in a way that will build you both up. Chances are, when you make your spouse feel special, they will do the same for you. When we choose to give God glory in our relationship, God can better meet our needs along the way and use our marriage for his good. 

Challenge:

What negative thoughts about your spouse tend to surface most often? Where do you think those thoughts originate—hurt, expectations, stress, habit?

Remember your “why.” Write down three reasons you married your spouse or qualities you admire about them—and revisit this list when frustration rises.

Are there unrealistic expectations you may be placing on your spouse? How might these expectations be fueling frustration or negativity?

Application:

One Thought Shift: Choose one recurring negative thought and intentionally replace it with something true, lovely, or admirable about your spouse every time it arises this week.

Kindness Challenge: Practice one intentional kindness toward your spouse each day—an encouraging word, a helpful action, or a thoughtful gesture.

Reality Check: Identify one area where you need to apply the 70/30 principle, allowing room for your spouse’s differences and imperfections.

Prayerful Reorientation: Spend five minutes each day asking God to renew your mind, soften your heart, and show you how to serve your spouse with Christlike love.

Photo credit: ©Getty Images/tommaso79

Rev. Noelle Kirchner, M.Div., is a Presbyterian pastor who has served in both church and hospital settings. She’s also a Midwesterner who married her college sweetheart, and together they are raising their three boys in New Jersey. Her training includes Northwestern University (B.A., Religious Studies) and Princeton Theological Seminary, along with almost twenty years in ministry. She is a regular contributor to Crosswalk and has also published work with HuffPost Parents, Propel Women, (in)courage, iBelieve, and the TODAY Show Parenting Team, among others. Her cable television show, Chaos to Calm, featured parenting hot topics and prominent guests, including Candace Cameron Bure. You can watch her episodes on-demand and sign up for her free devotional e-book by visiting her website, noellekirchner.com. Connect with her on social media (X, Instagram, and Facebook) and check out her book, How to Live Your Life Purpose: The Six-Step Journey to God’s Best.

We hope you and your spouse are challenged and encouraged by today's devotional! For more of this premium marriage devotional, visit here.