Avoidance, Confrontation, and the Happy Middle - Crosswalk PLUS Marriage Devotional
Avoidance, Confrontation, and the Happy Middle
By: Jennifer Waddle
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:2-3
Are you an avoider by nature? Does the thought of confrontation cause your stomach to knot? Or are you quick-tempered and easily provoked? Most married couples sway between the two, avoiding things that should be addressed and confronting things that should be let go.
Marital relationships can be difficult to navigate, but with the proper perspective, husbands and wives can reach a happy middle. Here’s how.
Get Rid of Blame
Having a spirit of blame is like poison in a marriage, and Biblically speaking, we know exactly where accusation comes from. The enemy is the master of division, convincing us our spouse is to blame for all our issues. But when we honestly examine our own faults, we realize it takes two to tango, and there are always self-improvements to be made.
If you’re quick to blame, pray for awareness and a softened heart. It’s easy to be in a bad habit of grumbling and fault-finding whenever conflict arises. Realize you can break this habit through the truth of the Scriptures. Here are a few verses to counteract blame:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”
“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Getting rid of blame is a significant first step in turning unhealthy confrontation into healthy dialogue. With gentleness, patience, and a deep measure of understanding, couples can live in the happy middle without jumping to conclusions.
Address Things Early and Efficiently
There’s a lot we can let go of in marriage, especially the small, insignificant things. And the sooner we learn to let go, the better. However, there are definitely issues that need to be addressed; the earlier, the better.
Unfortunately, avoiders are the worst at letting things build until small problems become giant issues blown out of proportion. And when too many emotions go unspoken, the soil becomes prime for resentment to take root.
Learning to address things early and efficiently creates trust and accountability. Our spouses won’t be put through the agonizing dilemma of trying to read our minds or figure out what they’ve done wrong. Likewise, there won’t be unexpected backlash because important things are communicated in a timely fashion.
Here are a few Bible verses to help with communication:
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Ephesians 4:32 ESV
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
When we say what we mean with the love and tenderness Jesus exemplified, our marriages become open books of healthy communication and camaraderie. It isn’t always easy, but learning to meet in the happy middle can bring a sense of peace to your marriage like never before.
Heavenly Father, please help us find balance in knowing when to speak up and when to remain silent. Give us wisdom to discern what needs to be worked out promptly and efficiently without accusation or blame. Please help us listen first without jumping to conclusions. And by listening, first to Your voice and then to our spouse, give us gracious words that build up instead of tear down. In Jesus’ holy name, amen.
Application: Have a heart-to-heart with your spouse about your communication styles. Admit when you’ve avoided important issues and been too confrontative over insignificant things. Commit to healthy conversations daily, carving out time to really listen.
Challenge: Go through Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages” book together and recognize your differences. Without judgment, begin to understand how your spouse operates and work together toward the happy middle.
We hope you and your spouse are challenged and encouraged by today's devotional! For more of this premium marriage devotional, visit here.
