How Complaining Can Harm Your Marriage - Crosswalk PLUS Marriage Devotional

At the BUNCO table, complaints were flying.

One friend complained about her husband making a mess in the garage. Then another person whined about how her husband could never find anything. Someone else joked about the dumb jokes her husband told.

And so the evening went. Yada, yada, yada.

Eventually, I griped a little, too. Later, I felt terrible. While my husband isn’t perfect, he’s a really good guy, so why did I complain? Here’s what I learned that night: complaining is contagious. Moans and groans can spread through a crowd faster than COVID-19. One person starts grumbling and soon, others chime in. Before you know it, it can become a gripe-fest.

Maybe you’ve experienced this, too.

Even though a few lighthearted jokes about your spouse may be harmless, be very careful. Complaining can quickly become a destructive habit.

How complaining can harm your marriage:

-Complaining can easily become your default pattern of thinking.

-Griping leads to all kinds of negativity, which distorts your perspective.

-Grumbling focuses your mind on problems, not solutions.

-Complaining/nagging puts your spouse on the defensive.

-Griping implies superiority. It’s like saying, “I’d never be that dumb, selfish, etc.”

-Complaining fuels emotional distance and marital discontent.

-Grumbling produces more grumbling. It’s very, very contagious.

Complaining harms not only your marriage (see Prov. 21:19) but also your friends’ marriages by inspiring negativity, dissatisfaction, and fault-finding.

3 Tips to Help You Complain Less:

1. Challenge yourself to practice contentment, daily.

The Bible teaches us to: “take every thought captive,” 2 Cor. 10:5. Here’s why: griping begins in your thoughts, so this is where you can stop it. So, analyze your thoughts about your marriage. What are you content about? Make a list of the best things about your relationship and thank God for each one of these blessings.

2. Use the “But, on the other hand,” technique:

When a negative thought pops into your head, add “BUT,” then change it to a positive. For example:

-My husband never does housework BUT, on the other hand, he takes good care of our finances.

-My wife is always late, BUT she’s a great mom to our kids.

-My spouse struggles with anxiety, BUT they have a kind spirit.

3. Change “I have to” to “I get to”:

Changing the word “have” to “get” can radically change your perspective, quickly moving you from griping to gratitude. It also helps me consider “why I get to.” Here are some examples:

-“I get to go to work!” Then add why: “I am so grateful to have a job, many people don’t.”

-“I get to go to the grocery store today. I’m thankful good food is available.”

-“I get to clean my house. What a blessing to have a place of my own.”

Griping is a contagious habit, so BEWARE! Complaining not only affects you, it also affects those around you. Don’t let it get out of hand.

A Prayer to Complain Less:

Dear Lord, I know complaining is a harmful habit that can grow and eventually destroy our marriage, if we let it. Griping can also inspire others to complain. Please help me control my thoughts and words better. Help me practice greater contentment. Remind me of my spouse’s good qualities and help me express my gratitude to them often. Thank you, Lord, for loving me enough to help me with my marriage. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Questions for Reflection:

1. Have you complained to or about your spouse lately? How could you turn these complaints into positive solutions?
2. Make a list of things about your marriage that you’re grateful for. How could you practice greater gratitude and contentment? (Hint: write a letter or text, compliment your spouse regularly, do something kind each week to say thanks, etc.)

May Patterson, author of the book, Seeking a Familiar Face, began writing over a decade ago in response to God’s grace. And by His grace, she now has a popular blog and has written many articles for various magazines, including Focus on the Family, Upper Room and iBelieve.com. She has also published a Bible study, A 40-Day Guide for Seeking God, and speaks at a variety of events, both nationally and internationally. Her desire is to encourage people to draw closer to God, like never before.

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