How to Recognize a Marriage Rut Before It Leads to Division - Crosswalk PLUS Marriage Devotional
How to Recognize a Marriage Rut Before It Leads to Division
By Jennifer Waddle
“Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?” (Amos 3:3)
Marriages don’t usually fall into ruts overnight. More often, they develop gradually as couples slip into unhealthy patterns. Conversations become less meaningful, quality time grows scarce, and intimacy begins to fade.
While marriage ruts are common, they don’t need to be permanent. With awareness and a willingness to change, couples can identify bumpy patterns early on and begin straightening their course before distance divides them.
If you’re wondering if your marriage is in a rut, here are a few signs to consider.
One of the earliest signs of a marriage rut is when curiosity starts to fade. You no longer show interest in the things they're interested in, and you stop asking deeper questions that lead to meaningful conversations.
“How was your day?” becomes a question on autopilot, and “fine” becomes our go-to answer.
Philippians 2:4 calls us to look not only to our own interests, but also to the interests of others. In marriage, that often starts with learning to pay attention again. Pay attention to their goals, their work, their faith, and their overall well-being. Listen carefully, and be available to discuss hard things.
Regaining interest and curiosity are not only possible, but essential. Think of it as “studying” your spouse with new eyes and an open heart. What you learn can be helpful in reframing your thoughts and feelings toward them. And over time, you’ll develop a genuine interest leading to deeper interaction.
Another warning sign is emotional withdrawal or avoidance. The dangerous side of this is that it’s often disguised as peace. There may be less conflict, but not because there’s harmony.
Instead, there is silence, distance, and unspoken needs. Small disappointments get buried instead of addressed. Serious issues are accepted rather than being worked on. Sadly, this rut is often mistaken for stability, but can lead to an emotional chasm that’s hard to bridge.
Ephesians 4:26-27 warns against letting anger linger, giving the enemy a foothold. But the same is true for silence that replaces honest communication.
If emotional withdrawal or avoidance is present in your marriage, start with small, intentional conversations such as:
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I was disappointed by…”
“Are you currently happy with the way we communicate? I think I can do better.”
“I’m not proud to admit this, but I’ve been avoiding something. Is now a good time to discuss it?”
Communication in marriage isn’t always easy, but with practice, it can keep a minor rut from becoming a major pitfall. Make room for honest, emotional transparency, even when it feels uncomfortable. As you both learn to express yourselves openly and listen with grace, your bond will grow stronger.
When your marriage shifts from “we” to “me,” it usually indicates a rut preoccupied with self. While this is a temptation for humans in general, it can be especially harmful in marriage.
• Decisions are made independently without consultation.
• Dreams are no longer shared openly, but privately held.
• Goals become self-oriented instead of couple-oriented.
This drift is subtle, but it can grow over time. Genesis 2:24 describes marriage as two becoming one flesh, not merely two individuals cohabiting. Recognize this rut from the start, and shift your focus back to the Lord. With your eyes on Him, you’ll be less likely to fall into the trap of self-centeredness and be in tune with your spouse’s needs and interests.
If you recognize any of these marriage ruts, don’t panic. There is always room for change. Repentance, forgiveness, and small daily decisions can steer you away from destructive patterns and keep you unified in the Lord.
Let's Pray:
Heavenly Father, please help us recognize ruts in our marriage and make necessary changes for good. I love my spouse, and I don’t want bad habits to ruin our connection. Keep our eyes on You, Lord, and motivate us to be intentional in our relationship. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Application: Write down your current goals, dreams, and decisions, taking note of how many of them are “me” centered. Without self-condemnation, ask God to help you reframe things with “we” in mind.
Challenge Question: What is one small but intentional step you can take this week to move toward your spouse with curiosity, honesty, or a renewed “we” mindset?
Photo Credit: ©fizkes
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