What Are You Both Afraid Of? Naming Fears in Your Marriage - Crosswalk Marriage Devotional
What Are You Both Afraid Of? Naming Fears in Your Marriage
By Rev. Noelle Kirchner
It’s no mistake that the Bible tells us not to fear more than any other instruction. One reason is that God knows that we will certainly have reason to fear. As a married woman for almost twenty-five years, my husband and I have faced many challenges together; some situations were expected, and some were not. The challenges couples face often involve extended family (like in-laws), children, finances, or personal relationship problems (like communication or trust issues), for instance.
Perhaps you and your spouse have wondered:
- How do we juggle mounting bills and a future that often feels uncertain?
- What do I do when intimacy with my spouse feels too vulnerable? Can I risk getting increasingly closer to someone who has the power to hurt me more than anyone else?
- Why is our pregnancy or adoption process simply not happening?
- How do we manage care for our ailing loved one when we’re grieving, overwhelmed, and in shock ourselves?
- How do we launch a child into a world that has never felt more divided or frankly unsafe?
- What do I do when life kicks us—or worse, our child—around to the point that it’s natural to question if God really exists at all?
Each of these scenarios is relatable. Sometimes it’s easy to fall into the mistake of thinking that we will not have problems if we love God and are faithful, but the Bible warns us otherwise. Jesus told his disciples, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (Jn. 16:33, emphasis added). Jesus knew that we, his followers, would have trouble. However, through him we also have peace and unconquerable hope.
No one has a perfect life, but we have a better one when we draw close to God. Here are five steps to take as a couple to activate your spiritual lifeline in times of fear:
- Pray with precision. Once you have specifically named your fear(s), lift them up to God together. The key is to be an honest and, ideally, unified spiritual front in prayer. Invite God to carry your load and move on your behalf.
- Make a commitment. Scripture affirms, “Come near to God and he will come near to you” (James 4:8). God is never far from us in difficulty, even though the opposite sometimes feels true. Turn to God and pursue him. Ingest a regular diet of scripture, worship together, and listen for the Holy Spirit’s prompting. Memorize key Bible verses that specifically counter your fear; fortify yourselves for a spiritual fight.
- Test your heart. There are silver linings to adversity. For one, adversity is clarifying—it brings our goals into focus, because we decide what’s worth fighting for in a struggle. Second, adversity can be purifying. Just like impurities burn away in a crucible at high heat, adversity provides us with an occasion to assess our own hearts. What makes this fear or situation especially daunting? Is there anything that we’re valuing over or against God’s direction? Confession allows God to pull us in closer; King David wrote this very prayer (Ps. 139:23–24).
- Know your limits. Some things are simply beyond our control; the Serenity Prayer is popular because it recognizes just that. Keep taking the next best step and entrust your fear to God. Scripture affirms, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Gal. 6:9). This is a special promise reserved for those who remain faithful and persevere; encourage each other.
- Capitalize on your strengths. Spouses often have different strengths and weaknesses; strategically use them! My husband and I honor each other’s strengths; we work as a team. This is tremendously helpful when we’re fearful or overwhelmed, because we can divide up necessary tasks and trust each other as we work toward mutual goals.
Ecclesiastes reflects on the power of two, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up…Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves” (4:9–12). Having a like-minded spouse by your side is a gift from the Lord. Ecclesiastes continues by saying, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” The third strand is God. While life will have challenges and there will certainly be occasions to fear, follow these five steps and remember you are not fighting alone.
Let’s Pray
Lord, thank you for coming alongside my marriage. Don’t let us fall; rather, lift us up in times of uncertainty and fear for the glory of your name. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Application
What fear is heavy on your heart today as you read this? Is your spouse aware of your fear, and have you prayed about it together?
Challenge
Talk about the five steps above with your spouse. What step have you been doing well, and which one could you make strides in together? Do you or your spouse have a favorite Bible verse to help?
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/jjneff
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