What to Do When You Feel Distant From Your Spouse - Crosswalk PLUS Marriage Devotional

• Your distance is emotional. You and your spouse are living parallel lives, side by side, but emotionally apart.
• Your distance is physical. Maybe you or your spouse travel often for work, and when you do have time together, you’re like ships in the night. You barely cross paths due to competing demands.
• Your distance is both. You and your spouse are really trying, but you’re just not seeing eye to eye. Emotional distance is giving way to physical distance, by choice.

None of these scenarios are happy, but they are sadly rather common. Statistics show that 30% to 40% of married couples report feeling too distant in their relationship at some point. Research from Columbia University suggests this number might be closer to 60%. If you find yourself in this situation right now, you are not alone. It’s normal to occasionally wonder if you made the right decision to get married.

Marriage can be rewarding, safe, and pleasurable, as well as humbling, inconvenient, and trying. My dad used to tell me that marriage is full of highs and lows. It’s higher highs because God designed a healthy marriage to mirror his unconditional love. We receive power and strength when we journey through life with someone’s committed hand in ours. That commitment enables intimacy and joy to increase as God is glorified through two instead of one.

Marriage can have the lowest lows because when we truly love someone and become vulnerable, we have the power to hurt them. It’s not a question of “if” but “when” misunderstandings will arise. How couples choose to handle disagreements can make all of the difference. Like anything rewarding in life, the better way is harder. If you’re curious about tips for navigating conflict, I invite you to read my devotion on avoiding circular arguments.

Gratefully, despite its ups and downs, marriage is a choice, not a feeling. Marriage is a decision to love someone because you believe in who they are, and because God has bound you together through a holy covenant. Ecclesiastes 4:12 mentions the strength of a cord with three strands. In marriage, those three strands are both spouses and God.

Having the marital covenant backed by God makes all the difference. God is on the side of renewal and grace. He wants your marriage to be healthy and successful. Making the conscious choice to stay present and fight for your union opens the door for God to bless it through your faithfulness. Unless there are extenuating circumstances like abuse, you can use the following four tips to repair unwanted distance:

1. Pray

Enlist God’s help to heal the divide in your life through prayer. As the third strand of your union, God can and will show up to help you. I remember experiencing a period of distance from my husband. Prayer, coupled with faithfulness to each other and to the Word, led to deeper intimacy over time.

2. Date Again

The answer may not be to spend more time together; it may be to spend better time together. Dress up. Plan a night out. Show some forethought or effort. Put the phone down and allow your spouse to be your sole focus for the night. Frankly, it’s easy to take for granted the people we hold most dear. Nothing repairs distance like thoughtful intentionality.

3. Connect

Patterns for meaningful, daily connection with your spouse matter. I still remember our premarital counselor encouraging us to do a daily 30-second hug and 10-second kiss in our marriage. This pattern, along with regular physical intimacy, is important; so is time to verbally connect. Husbands, listening to your wives for just 20 minutes before bed can do wonders for easing physical and emotional distance. One friend I know who married a pilot knows that he will call her every day, no matter where he is in the world.

4. Consider Counseling

Seeking wise, Christian counseling is a sign of strength, not weakness. If there are unresolved issues, like barriers to intimacy or deep-seated pain, talk to a professional if you are not making headway. Don’t let distance persist and fester.

God designed marriage to be a stronghold in which he is personally invested. I still remember my grandfather lying in bed after my grandmother’s passing. They had been married for over sixty years. He had never been an emotional man, but lying there in his grief, he didn’t want to take another breath without her. Their marriage wasn’t perfect, but through commitment, it was possible.

Let’s Pray: Almighty God, I invite you into my union. Heal our divide, and shape us as a couple according to your ways and word. Amen.

Application: Are you currently in a season of distance? Prayerfully consider how a deeper intimacy with your spouse and God are connected.

Challenge: In addition to following the tips in this devotional, reach out to a parent or godly couple to learn how they have navigated distance in their marriage. What can you learn?

Photo credit: ©GettyImages/SeizaVisuals

Rev. Noelle Kirchner, M.Div., is a Presbyterian pastor who has served in both church and hospital settings. She’s also a Midwesterner who married her college sweetheart, and together they are raising their three boys in New Jersey. Her training includes Northwestern University (B.A., Religious Studies) and Princeton Theological Seminary, along with almost twenty years in ministry. She is a regular contributor to Crosswalk and has also published work with HuffPost Parents, Propel Women, (in)courage, iBelieve, and the TODAY Show Parenting Team, among others. Her cable television show, Chaos to Calm, featured parenting hot topics and prominent guests, including Candace Cameron Bure. You can watch her episodes on-demand and sign up for her free devotional e-book by visiting her website, noellekirchner.com. Connect with her on social media (X, Instagram, and Facebook) and check out her book, How to Live Your Life Purpose: The Six-Step Journey to God’s Best.