When the Best Thing for Your Marriage Is to Focus on Yourself - Crosswalk PLUS Marriage Devotional

It’s no secret that love is selfless, so it certainly seems contradictory to consider that the best thing for your marriage is to focus on yourself. However, when the focus on yourself is honest, reflective, and open to the Holy Spirit’s conviction, you position yourself to be selfless despite your human nature. This seems ironic, but it’s refining. And for a marriage, it’s life-changing. 

My husband and I have been married for almost nine years. We have moved six times, experienced significant career changes, and now have two sons, our oldest of whom was recently diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Life has been both beautiful and tragic for us, and we aren’t foolish enough to ignore that our marriage has witnessed countless ups and downs amid it all. 

Just weeks before our son’s diagnosis, we had decided to participate in our church’s annual marriage program, re|engage. It’s a 15-week course for any married couple, no matter the season, and it’s certainly clear God knew the challenging season we were about to enter.

On day one of the course, we were told to write our names on a notecard and draw a circle around it. We were then told that the only person we were to challenge and bring to God for change was the person in that circle. 

Needless to say, my notecard is stuck to our refrigerator door, where I see it multiple times a day. I need the hard but necessary reminder that our marriage will see improvement when I’m willing to work on myself. Daily, I must remember that our union will see joy when I cultivate joy, forgiveness when I extend forgiveness, friendship when I invest in friendship, intimacy when I extend vulnerability, etc. 

Of course, both partners should have the mindset for such a spiritual discipline. A marriage isn’t sustainable, let alone healthy and God-glorifying, when only one person is pulling the weight. 

So when both of you can look at each other and ask with sincerity, “Where can I show up for you better?” and the other can answer without fear, knowing their partner is striving to love them with sincerity, Galatians 5:13 comes to life: "You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love".

We find freedom, even joy, when we give of ourselves to others because we were hardwired to find fulfillment in the reciprocation of loving others and being loved in turn. This is how our good, loving God made us, and this is how we are called to honor Him. 

Honoring God doesn’t always shield us from being hurt, even by our spouse who loves us, but it always instills in us joy, light, and hope that make tomorrow worth showing up for and make others, no matter how flawed, worth pursuing. 

As my husband and I have entered a new season that feels anything but hopeful, I can say, with absolute confidence, that we have needed one another. There have been moments when I have spiraled and needed his rational perspective. There have been moments when he has been completely exhausted and needed my energy. And the more we continue to show up for the other, the more we can lean into God’s healing and steadfast faithfulness. 

We need our spouses for life’s ups and downs. We need them to soak in and celebrate the beauty alongside us, and we need them to pick us up on days when we would rather lie down and give up. So let’s focus on ourselves in the right way as we journey through this life, where bits of heaven are championing us forward. 

Consider this prayer as you focus on yourself to honor God and grow your marriage: 

“Lord, thank you for your gift of love, for giving of yourself in the most radical, beautiful way. Soften my heart to your Holy Spirit’s conviction so I can recognize how to show up for my spouse with selflessness and intentionality. Grant us a beautiful marriage that sees hope on the hard days, finds joy amid the sadness, and adopts a focus on self for the sake of refinement and redemption. In your holy name, Father, Amen.”

Action Steps:
 1. Take a day to reflect on how often your focus on self is more geared towards personal wants than serving others. Take these findings to God in prayer, and ask Him to reveal where you can show up better for your spouse (while still taking care of and respecting yourself as God’s child). 

2. Schedule a date night, over coffee, dinner, or a walk, where you can ask each other how to show up for one another with more intentionality and service. 

Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/elisa-ph

Peyton Garland is an author, editor, and boy mama who lives in the beautiful foothills of East Tennessee. Subscribe to her blog Uncured+Okay for more encouragement.

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