Where Does God Use Anger in a Healthy Marriage? - PLUS Marriage Devotional
Where Does God Use Anger in a Healthy Marriage?
By: Peyton Garland
*This content is for those in safe marriages. Those in marriages where abuse of any kind is present, please seek outside professional help.
“‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26-27
Several years ago, my therapist shared something pivotal for my relationship with others (and myself): Anger is not a primary emotion. Anger is a byproduct (albeit a quick byproduct) of the two primary emotions: sadness and fear. With this information, we can better recognize that anger, at its core, is our response to grief or an inability to control a person or situation.
I’ll be the first to admit that anger dominated the Garland newlywed household. I can’t share this truth without confessing that I was the instigator of nearly all marital arguments. Sure, I could blame the anger on “reasonable” tension, like us learning to live together or me unknowingly battling undiagnosed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Those were certainly factors, but one of the biggest issues I brought into the marriage was my misunderstanding of Ephesians 4:26-27.
As a natural fixer, I believed this verse meant all marital conflicts must be solved before the day was done. Since my husband and I didn’t see each other until we were home from work in the evenings, this left little time to “fix” anything. It certainly didn’t allow either of us to sit with our anger and process whether fear or sadness was at its core, which is necessary for healthy conflict resolution and discovering areas where you need to grow and heal.
Instead, I would pester my husband into solving all our problems so we could go to sleep “happy.” As you can guess, this only made arguments much worse.
Perhaps, like me, you have misunderstood our Ephesians passage and expect the day to end in bliss. I’ll be the first to tell you, dear friend, that when two imperfect people come together as one and create lots of little imperfect people who love to run and scream and go wild, it’s impossible to go to bed every night consumed with happiness. However, you can concentrate on the root cause of your anger, recognize where you may be at fault, and settle things with God in prayer. Then, whether your spouse is ready to discuss the disagreement or not, you can go to bed knowing that anger has not consumed you or caused you to simmer with sin.
It’s taken years for me to discover that bringing my anger to God, allowing Him to expose the pieces of me that need to be worked on, allows me to rest in His forgiveness, regardless of how my spouse feels in the moment. It doesn’t leave room for me to point fingers at my husband, but to reflect on the goodness of God’s forgiveness.
(Besides, most of the time, when we both sleep on an issue, we wake up and realize it wasn’t even a problem. We were simply tired and stressed from a long day.)
Friend, don’t allow the devil a foothold in your marriage. Take the first big step towards stopping him in his tracks by considering this five-step process I’ve implemented to create space for God to work through your anger:
- Step away to a quiet place when you become angry and take a few deep breaths.
- After collecting yourself, take time to identify the root cause of your anger. Are you sad or fearful of something?
- Once you recognize the cause of your anger, take it to God in prayer. This doesn’t have to be a long, beautiful prayer. Honest, ugly ones are often best in these situations (speaking from experience).
- Then, if your spouse is in a healthy place to discuss the situation, grant them space to voice their concerns. Meanwhile, respectfully share where you could improve, too.
- Whether or not you’re able to resolve the issue that day, go to sleep. Let your spouse get some sleep. Give God extra space to work in your heart and theirs. See what a new morning of mercies brings.
Prayer: Father, thank you for the gift of marriage and the opportunity to humbly recognize how often we are unable to love as You love the Church. When anger enters our hearts, grant us the self-control to step away from conflict and recognize where we could be at fault. God, may we be humble enough to confess our faults, patient with our spouse as they wrestle with their shortcomings, and willing to seek your new mercies every morning. In Your holy name, Lord, Amen.
Discussion questions: Which is often the root cause of your anger: sadness or fear? Do you recognize the unhealthy parts of your relationship with anger? Discuss your answers with your spouse so your understanding increases and you can more readily grant each other patience and grace.
We hope you and your spouse are challenged and encouraged by today's devotional! For more of this premium marriage devotional, visit here.
