One Reason Relationships Are Complicated - iBelieve Truth - August 8, 2023
One Reason Relationships are Complicated
By Ashley Moore
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4:16, ESV
Have you ever heard of Attachment Theory? This theory is a psychological explanation for how people connect emotionally to one another based on their early bonding experiences with parents or caregivers. The theory explains how all of us are born with an innate desire for relationships with others and how early connections can either positively or negatively impact our ability to attach to others in the future.
For example, if your primary caregiver was both your source of comfort but also a source of fear, you may have a disorganized attachment style. This style means you may crave intimacy in your relationships, but because you are afraid due to painful early experiences, you may push people who love you away.
If you had a neglectful caregiver or were punished for relying on others for help, you may have an avoidant attachment style. This means you may reject the idea of loving relationships and build emotional walls to keep others at bay.
If you had an unreliable primary caregiver who was often unavailable to you, you may identify with the ambivalent or anxious attachment style. This means you likely become very distressed at the idea of losing a relationship and have an overwhelming fear of facing rejection.
Finally, if you had parents or caregivers who were imperfect, but mostly met your emotional and physical needs you may identify with having a secure attachment style. This means you are well-adjusted socially and have no problems bonding with others in intimate relationships.
While attachment theory gives us a framework for how we learn to connect with others, it also helps us to understand how people who identify with each style all have the same need. We all desire the consistent presence of a secure, dependable, approachable, and loving caregiver, at all stages in life. But according to this theory, a majority of us did not receive that as children and struggle to find it in our adult relationships as well.
But, perhaps our struggle lies in the fact that we are relying on other imperfect people to fill a void only a perfect God can satisfy.
This is a far cry from excusing the abuse or neglect you may have experienced as a child. That was wrong, and those awful things never should have happened to you. But my hope is that you understand, despite all the ways people have disappointed you, God will never let you down. He is approachable, unchanging, dependable, and perfectly loving. He wants you to come to Him with any and every need you have. He wants you to approach Him when you’re scared and when you mess up big time. He came and gave His life so that you could draw near to Him in your time of need. And He delights to care for you. Hebrews 4:16 and similar verses prove that God wants to show you mercy for your mistakes and give you the grace to get through the hard parts of your life!
If relationships were hard or are currently still a struggle for you, allow God to be your secure source of care. Allow His unending love to inform how you connect with others and show up in the world. He is the perfect parent and the most reliable relationship you will ever experience. You can come to Him confidently knowing He will never leave or abandon you and His Word never fails.
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for who you are to us! Thank you that you are a relational God. God, you are our Father (2 Corinthians 6:18). Jesus, you are our big brother and husband to your bride (Hebrews 2:11; Ephesians 5:23). Your Holy Spirit is our helper (John 14:16). You meet every need we have, and your love never fails (Psalm 100:5). Help us to look to you when broken people let us down. Lord, I ask that you heal those relational wounds from our caregivers. Help us to forgive them, God. Give us wisdom to safely engage with people who have hurt us. Lord, let your love fill us and overflow into our relationships with others no matter how complicated they may be, amen.
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Busing
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If you've been feeling tired, overwhelmed, depleted, or just quietly wondering where God is in the middle of a very full life — this episode is for you. And honestly? It might be for me too, because I'm recording this in one of those seasons myself.
Today we're doing something a little different. Instead of going deep in a passage, we're talking about what to do when deep feels like too much — when you need less, not more. Specifically, I'm walking you through one of my favorite practices for weary seasons: handwriting scripture.
Not typing it. Not scrolling past it. Actually writing it out, slowly, in your own hand — because something happens in your brain when you do that. The words land differently. They go deeper. And over time, they become part of that personal library of God's voice that the Holy Spirit can pull from when you need it most. That's what Psalm 119:11 means when it says I have hidden your word in my heart — it's scripture moving into your long-term memory, where it lives and stays even when you haven't opened your Bible in weeks.
I'm sharing the five verses I wrote out for myself today — and why each one hit me fresh even though I've known some of them for years. This episode is part of our How to Study the Bible Podcast, a show that brings life back to reading the Bible and helps you understand even the hardest parts of Scripture. If this episode helps you know and love God more, be sure to follow the How to Study the Bible Podcast on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode!
