5 Questions You Need to Regularly Ask Your Depressed Spouse

Depression often descends like a black cloud, and it leaves you feeling disoriented, alone, and confused. Many times, those stuck in the cloud can’t see the way out. The best gift you can offer your struggling spouse is your presence, rather than pressure, and curiosity rather than correction.

For me, I struggled with a lot of guilt. I felt that I should have been fine. I loved my life. I felt I was ruining my husband's carefree existence when I burst into tears or became overwhelmed with normal daily life. I was ashamed and was living under the lie that people of faith who had good lives should not be depressed. What I didn’t understand, and no one around me helped me discover, was that what I was struggling with was a post-partum brain chemical imbalance. My symptoms were not a moral failure; they were symptoms of a biological imbalance.

Simply having someone truly take the time to inquire about my feelings, my story, my struggle, my why, rather than avoiding my situation because it was overwhelming, could have helped me find my way out of the dark so much sooner. These conversations are often not easy, but being willing to offer a patient ear to your partner can be life-changing. Stay engaged. Check in regularly, and encourage your partner to expand their support network beyond just you. Let them know you see them, you are there for them, you are proud of them, and they can rely on you as a shoulder to cry on when life feels like more than you can handle on your own.

Getting curious is the best way to grow closer to those around you. When we start thinking of how we can listen instead of being defensive or judgmental of our spouse's struggle, then we can start to become their ally.

Here are some questions that can help you learn more about what is going on with your partner:

How are you feeling emotionally this week?

Are there certain thoughts that keep looping in your mind?

What feels heaviest for you in this season?

What part of the day is most overwhelming for you?

Take your time, offering space for your partner to formulate their answers and not feel rushed. Listen fully before responding, and reflect on what you are hearing from them. Confirm that you understand what they are trying to communicate.

You are your partner’s best helpmate as they walk through this valley. Get curious about what things are triggering them or are becoming negative patterns in their lives. Being willing to listen can help them identify for themselves things that need to change.

Have you noticed anything that makes things worse for you?

What times of day are harder than others?

Does anything seem to drain you more than usual?

Are there situations that you are dreading or avoiding?

Remember, you are seeking information. Noticing things that are hard is helpful to identify. This information is not intended to point to failure, but rather to identify the necessary steps required to get healthy. Emphasize to your partner that you are a team and not here to problem-solve alone!

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The goal for your marriage is that you both are able to live with health and freedom. Ultimately, you want to be someone who helps usher your spouse towards healing. Here are some questions to help you find ways to support each other:

What feels the most difficult to manage right now?

What things can I take off your plate in this season?

How can I help you both emotionally and practically?

Is there something you wish I understood better?

Is there an additional support we should employ, such as consulting a doctor or therapist, to help us through this season?

Are there any new habits or life changes we could explore that you believe would be beneficial to you?

Don’t assume you know what they need or even that they know what they need. These questions are designed to guide you both in discovering the best next step. Remain a team as you take steps towards health.

The most important thing for your partner to know is that they are not alone. Drowning alone in a body that is being crushed by depression is a really dark place to live, no matter how good your spouse is otherwise. Be there for each other. Here are some questions that promote connection:

Do you feel emotionally close to me?

How have I been helpful or unhelpful in this season?

What makes you feel most loved when you are struggling?

Is there anything you are afraid to tell me?

Depression affects the marriage, not just the individual. My heart is grieved at all the ways my struggles hurt my husband, and I am sad that he was not able to be there for me the way I hoped. We were both young, busy, and ill-equipped for the struggle I found myself in. We failed to connect through this storm, and this hurt us both deeply. If you aren’t sure how to be there for each other, seek out resources that will offer you the understanding, support, and skills you both need to get through this struggle together. Invite each other to be honest without punishment and reinforce to one another that you love each other forever, no matter what.

It can be very taxing to walk through physical, emotional, and spiritual struggles together. Make sure to take care of yourself and reflect on your needs. Your strength comes from humble service, not just endless sacrificing for your spouse. Here are some questions for you to consider:

Am I listening more than I’m fixing?

How can I care for my own well-being?

Do I need support or guidance?

Am I trusting God with the things I cannot control?

Questions are a great way to show those around us that we love them. Offering a listening ear is powerful. Make sure to take your spouse's needs seriously, not dismissing them. Find ways to be with them. Seek out support together that leads to health, making sure your partner knows you are proud of them and on their team.

Related:

5 Sneaky Habits that Cause Serious Mental Health Problems

5 Things You Need to Know about Your Spouse Who Struggles with Depression

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