4 Biblical Ways to Build Back Trust in Relationships
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- Published Feb 15, 2024
As I quietly sneak out of my daughter's room, hoping that my creaking steps don’t wake her, I think about the things me and my husband have had to do differently as parents in order to gain her trust. One of the simplest things we’ve done is sat with her at bedtime and naptime, so she was able to fall asleep peacefully. After about a year of this practice, she is finally able to drift off on her own after a few minutes of us sitting in the room with her.
Our daughter joined our family at the age of two and a half and had lost several adults in her life over those rocky first years of life. She came into our home as merely a shell of who she was created to be. She was scared to talk, move, play, and very scared of losing us. Her body physically struggled under the weight of the loss, and she had no words for it. Her emotions were all over the map, as even me walking too far ahead of her could be a source of anxiety.
Because her story is full of twists and turns, we spent our first year with her doing everything we could to help her feel safe. We knew that while she wanted to love us, trusting that we would not also mysteriously disappear was something that would be hard for her to do. It has not been easy for us to think past some of our reactive parenting practices in order to offer patience and security. While we haven’t been perfect in our efforts to show her that she is home, our efforts have made a difference. We have the privilege to see this beautiful girl bloom, as she was created to do.
My daughter's story is just one example of what it looks like to find healing when trust has been broken. As I think of her, I realize that the ability to trust those who are intimately involved in our lives is one of the most vital parts of what is required to build healthy relationships. When trust is lost, the way we engage in a relationship changes. The goal becomes showing each other again that you are a safe place. Grace, empathy, and connection have to trump all else when we are working to build back trust.
1. Love Casts Out Anxiety and Fear
1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” When working to restore trust in a relationship, we have to consider how our actions may be received. Those who have endured trauma, hurt, betrayal, abuse, and more have reason to fear! Those who were meant to love them did the opposite. These are deep wounds, and we need God’s love at work in our lives if we are to find healing.
If you are the partner or friend that broke trust or maybe you are just stepping into a person's life after they have already experienced that loss, you must apply the lens of empathy to all you do. Here are some questions to consider to help you modify your behavior in a way that offers more love and safety:
Consider: how has what they have gone through changed their brain?
Is their response elevated due to a heightened state of stress?
What would best communicate that you are different from the person who hurt them?
How can you show them understanding when they struggle to express their own feelings and needs?
What accommodations need to be made so they feel loved?
How can you address their anxiety so they are able to overcome it?
How would you like to be treated if you had endured the same kind of hurt?
2. Acknowledge God is Our Healer
Proverbs 3:6 says, “In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” In this life, we will face trouble of many kinds. The reality is that most of our problems we can’t fix on our own! When facing broken trust we need God’s help in order for us to restore to us what has been lost.
There are so many practical tools we can rely on when seeking emotional and relational freedom, and we should employ the use of as many practical tools as we are able, but those tools work best when we first acknowledge God is our healer! When our daughter came home, I began to pray Psalm 147:3 over her. It reminds us that God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. I knew that there were miracle changes that needed to happen in her body, mind, my parenting, and more for her to be healed.
While I take my daughter to therapy, do my best to employ trauma-informed parenting, and do all I can to learn how to best love her, I know that God is her true healer. He uses and gives us the tools we need as well as steps in and does miracles that go beyond our human understanding. I thank God for both the many tools he gives us when we need help, as well as his ability to exceed and beyond all we can ask or think on our behalf!
3. Mourn With Those That Mourn
Romans 12:15 instructs, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Safe people make space for all our emotions. God encourages us to walk with each other when we experience hard things. Being a safe place for the people you love to share their feelings, grief, and fears is a part of what it means to love one another.
If a hurt has created bitterness, fear, misunderstandings, and more, it’s important that we are able to communicate these feelings, process them, and help each other find ways to move toward forgiveness. When working to restore trust, avoid anything that could be perceived as judgment. Our role is to be a tender holder of each other’s feelings so they have a chance to be dealt with. Being an emotional safe haven is probably one of the best gifts we can give our loved ones.
4. Work Towards Forgiveness
We know that when we are hurt, grudges and wounds form. Those wounds can keep us stuck in a cycle of negative thinking that ultimately hurts us more than the person who offended us. A part of healing is finding the grace to forgive.
If you are an offender, the best way to facilitate forgiveness is by offering humility and a true apology. We cannot change the past, but we can rewrite how that past is perceived. If we are walking with someone who has been hurt, it's our job to express that Jesus gives us the power to forgive. It’s through the Holy Spirit that we have the strength to let go of even the greatest hurts that want to keep us from being our most free selves. We have to be patient on this journey because forgiveness is not easy and often takes time.
God invites us to trust him (Proverbs 3:5-6) because he is the only one who is able to love us with perfect, patient, and eternal love. May we follow his example as we do our part to be agents of grace and healing in our homes and relationships.
Photo Credit: © Getty Images/ChayTee
