4 Changes to Make if You Struggle with People-Pleasing

I’m definitely more of a contrarian than a people-pleaser, and yet, there are people I certainly aim to please. I find myself going along to get along, sometimes without realizing, to my detriment and to theirs.

Are you a people-pleaser? And if you were, would you know?

If so, one bit of wisdom for you and I to take the heart is that people-pleasing can be a sin. You read that correctly – people-pleasing can be a sin when our lifestyles reflect value of people over God, value of relationships over the truth, and we sacrifice self for the detriment of another. 

Love calls us to sacrifice for their betterment, but the people-pleaser gives up self for their harm. Not intentionally, but ultimately. The people-pleaser rationalizes behavior by justifying what will make someone feel good. The people-pleasing husband says he won’t ask his wife about her spending habits in order to avoid conflict. She feels good, and they have enough money, he says. The people-pleasing friend won’t tell her girlfriend she needs to lose weight because of the potential hurt feelings. I don’t want to make her feel bad, she says. The truth is withheld, and sin is enabled, no matter the consequences. 

What feels good, is not always morally good.

When we give into people-pleasing, we inadvertently lead others into financial risk, health issues, spiritual malformation, and more. People-pleasing may appear and feel like a good thing in the moment, but you enable wrongdoing. You and I sin by enabling sin.

Here’s what we gain:

Superficial relationships
Approval
Sin

Here’s what we lose:

Focus on God
Integrity
Virtue

Every time we’re tempted to please people, we choose between what we want to gain and what we will risk losing. However, as Christians, the correct choice is clear. The greater issue we find is that though people-pleasing is a sin, this is a sin we don’t always identify in ourselves. With more introspection, we can fight the good fight in our own lives, and in turn, better serve the Lord and those around us.

If you struggle with people-pleasing, then here are some changes you can start making in your lifestyle today:

Don’t Run from Conflict

“Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17, CSB)

While this is no encouragement to actively seek conflict, you should not run from tough situations either. Most people would prefer to have no conflict, ever. Though, most would also acknowledge that conflict is a part of life and a part of any healthy relationship. Marriage, friendship, even business relations. 

Conflict has a way of pointing out our flaws and making us aware of how we can improve. The choice of improving or helping someone else improve is up to us. We can choose to avoid conflict for the rest of our lives, but all that means is that people will intentionally and unintentionally walk all over us. Or if they have an issue but not with us, we enable their own sin.

Either way, that doesn’t sound like a holy or satisfactory life.

Ask for Help

Changing ourselves often requires more than just ourselves. We need the help of other people, and we especially need the help of God. From both places, we find courage to face our fears and we discover wisdom that helps us refine our character. People can provide accountability and help us set milestones. Praying to God gives us the spiritual insight we need to override those hardwired habits.

Have an Opinion

Going along to get along feels good, and safe, but such a feeling can leave us stagnant in life. There’s nothing wrong with believing in something. In fact, Scripture commands us to take up our cross, along with using our gifts. We’re not called to live life absent-mindedly but to do so with purpose.

Have an opinion when someone shares something. Have an opinion in general, even for contentious issues you’re tempted to avoid. Not everyone will like whatever conclusion you come to, but the reality is that not everyone will like you no matter what you do. Even if you try your best to always say the right things that don’t offend, someone is going to dislike you for not being willing to offend. There’s deep truth to the phrase, you can’t please everyone. And truthfully, you never will.

Moreover, if you avoid having an opinion for fear of offending, your lifestyle reflects that you don’t know right from wrong. If that’s the case, how can you please God? And if you don’t know right from wrong, how can you steer others closer to Him?

Remember Your Priorities

“For am I now trying to persuade people, or God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)

When pleasing people has become more important than doing what’s right, pleasing God, we’ve lost sight of our priorities. The correct perspective is that God is our first love. Our relationship with Him affects everything else in our lives. Ideally, we want to value what He values and hate what He hates. By prioritizing people over God, we begin to embody them instead. Suddenly, our Christian life is reflection of man, and not the one who made man.

If you need help remembering your priorities, then take time to read Scripture and meditate on His Word. Recite verses when you’re tempted to people-please and keep reminding yourself of the person God wants you to be, not the person you once were.

Conclusion

Answer a fool, don’t answer a fool.

As you and I strive to people-please less, the goal should not be to become the opposite. Every time someone says something wrong or is sinful, is not reason for rebuking. Instead, we should become people who differ to God’s wisdom on when to speak and when not to, when to affirm and when not to. Sometimes a meaningful relationship is required before someone accepts correction. Sometimes we need to stop coddling others and tell them the truth.

A good gauge is to put yourself in their shoes. If you were wayward in some way, would you want someone to call you out? How would you want them to do so? Consider these answers and strive to live them out in your own life.

Even if you fall short and find yourself slipping back to old habits, know that’s natural for any of us. But to break a habit, we have to form new ones. If you fail, get back up and try again. That’s a sure way to please God.

Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Jacob Wackerhausen

Aaron D'Anthony Brown is a freelance writer, hip-hop dance teacher, and visual artist, living in Virginia. He currently contributes work to iBelieve, Crosswalk, and supports various clients through the platform Upwork. He's an outside-the-box thinker with a penchant for challenging the status quo. Check out his short story “Serenity.”