How to Become the Friend You’ve Been Praying For
Recently, I sat with a woman and listened as she described her stressful life. Honestly, she had a lot going on, and her feelings of being overwhelmed were valid. After listening for several long moments, there was a pause, and I gently asked, “How are you doing friend-wise?” There was a long pause before she replied. Then she said softly, “Not very well.” She continued, “I mean, I have friends, but at times I feel like everyone is so busy. I long for richer relationships, but sometimes, I’m not sure how to move forward.” Her feelings mirror those of many in our culture who are struggling with profound loneliness.
Friendship was God’s idea, and it’s crucial to our well-being. According to a study conducted years ago by Time Magazine, spending time with friends you like increases your happiness as much as a $133,000 raise per year! Close friends have also been shown to benefit your physical, emotional, and even spiritual health. One thing is for sure: God never meant us to do our spiritual journeys alone.
Jesus Himself said, “I have called you friends” (John 15:15).
I remember a season in my life when I was battling cancer. Lying on the couch recovering from surgery, I remember asking myself, “How am I doing friend-wise?” I concluded that I needed to probe a bit deeper into what type of friend I wanted to be with others. As I examined myself, I realized I could do better. If I wanted deeper friendships, I would have to become the kind of friend I was seeking. Needing wisdom, I turned to the Bible for answers.
The book of Proverbs is loaded with wisdom for cultivating deeper friendships. If you want closer friends, turn to the book of Proverbs for great tips on being the kind of friend you are seeking.
Here are 5 great tips to be a better friend:
Take Initiative
Often, I hear people say they can’t find community, or they just can’t seem to make friends. I wonder to myself, “Who have you invited over for lunch or taken out to coffee?” The bottom line is that if you want friends, you really need to put in the effort to reach out. Proverbs instructs us, “For the waywardness of the simple will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them (Proverbs 1:32). Complacency destroys friendships. It’s easy to get busy. Our culture screams for us to do more and be more; however, if you don’t make time and take the initiative to reach out to friends, you won’t have them. Understand, though, that even as you take initiative, friendships take time to grow. You can’t rush the process. Don’t become discouraged if people can’t respond to your invitation immediately. Be patient and leave room to try again later.
Learn to Listen
Most of us talk more than we listen. I would suggest listening more than you talk. You need to learn how to cultivate conversation, and 80% of good conversation is actually listening. Proverbs teaches, To answer before listening - that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). Some practical ways to become a more tuned-in listener are learning to ask great questions, remembering what was going on in your friend’s life the last time you were together, and practicing empathy so that your friend knows their feelings make sense to you. Everyone I know has a lot going on in their lives. Many monopolize the conversation by sharing all that’s going on in their life without leaving space for the other person to share. But those who have great friends have learned the art of listening well. They know how to focus on other people and their stories. They know how to make people feel heard.
Monitor Your Expectations
Expectations get us in trouble. All of us have hopes and dreams for our friendships. At times, you might spend time with a person and feel they will be your lifelong bestie, only to discover a few years later that the friendship has dissolved. We conjure up images of what is going to transpire, and when our expectations aren’t met, we either push harder to get them met or we retreat entirely. The problem is that unrealistic expectations drain a friendship. In ancient times, boundary stones marked property lines. Solomon wrote, “Do not move an ancient boundary stone” (Proverbs 23:10). In other words, he was instructing, don’t push up against your friend’s boundaries or limits. Instead, respect the limits of your friends, surrender your desires to the Lord, be gracious when disappointed, and cultivate gratitude. Only Jesus can be all we need. As we worship Him and give thanks for what our friends can offer, our craving for more will diminish.
Keep Confidences
There’s nothing worse than sharing something personal with a friend only to have them go and share that information with others. Proverbs reminds us that, “A gossip betrays a confidence. But a trustworthy person keeps a secret” (Proverbs 11:13). When someone confides in you, treat it as a treasure. Be a trustworthy friend whom others can count on not to gossip. Take any concerns to the Lord in prayer and then leave it with Him. Now, certainly, if something illegal is going on, you need to blow the whistle. However, as a general rule, keep what others share to yourself. Be trustworthy by showing up, asking how things are going, and praying. But don’t tell your friend’s secrets to others.
Laugh and Keep Your Sense of Humor
One of my friends told me about a time when she was praying for women at the end of a conference. My friend had gum in her mouth and, to her horror, the gum came out while she was praying and landed in the hair of the woman she was praying over. My friend panicked but kept praying, “Jesus, Jesus,” as she slowly worked the gum out of the other woman’s hair. Finally, she got the gum out, popped it back into her mouth, and then said, “Amen.” When my friend told me that story, we went into fits of laughter. I simply could not stop giggling! Oh, it is so refreshing to laugh with friends! Solomon gave us this tip for friendship: “A cheerful heart is good medicine” (Proverbs 17:22). Laughter not only relieves stress, but it also bonds the hearts of friends. Bring your sense of humor to friendship. Life is too short and too heavy not to laugh together. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Cheerful friends who see the humor in life are the best friends!
Many today feel disconnected in their friendships and, as a result, experience loneliness. The good news is that even if you’re struggling in the friendship realm, there is hope. With a little effort, you can become the friend you are looking for. Spend some time in prayer and ask the Lord to help you develop friendship skills. Then, take initiative, learn to listen, keep confidences, monitor your expectations, and laugh easily. God’s desire is that you enjoy rich friendships that bring joy to your life. Why not take the next month and focus on becoming the friend your heart is longing for? As you put into practice the tips in God’s word, I believe people will become more drawn to you.
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/SeventyFour
Originally published June 30, 2026.
