3 Subtle Reasons Believers Hurt Others and How to Stop

When You Do the Hurting

Any time you and I hurt another believer, we are commanded from Scripture to do our part to reconcile with that person. That often means repenting of our sin, and asking forgiveness from those whom we’ve offended.

Scripture commands believers to: “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed” (James 5:16 NASB). When was the last time you confessed your sins to the person you sinned against, let alone told someone else about how you had failed?

Could it be that you and I have a difficult time confessing our sins to one another because we are more comfortable believing our sin is only between us and God?

Certainly, it saves our prideful flesh if we can just make sure we’re not being resentful, and then move on. But to actually clear the slate with someone? Offer an apology? That hurts because it involves admitting we’re wrong.

And it’s more popular today to adopt the “self-love” mantra of “stop saying sorry” even if we truly were in the wrong and ran over someone else with our words or actions.

Having been a senior pastor’s wife for more than two decades, I can attest to the fact that some people are offended by the smallest of things. And that can make us feel we shouldn’t have to cater to the over-sensitivity of others.

But one’s sensitivity doesn’t make their hurt any less real. And even if we hurt them unintentionally, our desire should be to reconcile with our brothers and sisters in Christ by acknowledging their pain, taking responsibility for any part in it, and helping them heal.

As Paul said in 1 Corinthians 12, we are all part of one body and if one part of the body hurts, all the parts of the body hurt with it (verse 26). At least, all parts should!

When the world hurts us, that’s to be expected. But it’s very possible for many, myself included, to be more wounded by people within the body of Christ, than by unbelievers. It’s also very possible for many, myself included, to wound others within the body of Christ and be unaware or ambivalent.

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The Utmost Importance of Reconciliation

Scripture tells us: “If you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering” (Matthew 5:23-24).

Even if we don’t believe we’ve done anything wrong, Psalm 34:14 tells us to “Seek peace and pursue it” and Romans 12:18 tells us “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”

With all the talk in our society about self-love, advocating for self, and doing what’s best for you and your own healing, we seem to have neglected something very important to God: loving others unconditionally as He has loved us.

That includes being sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s conviction on our hearts when we’ve sinned against others and seeking reconciliation with not only those who have offended us, but those whom we have offended--even when it steps on our pride and makes us uncomfortable.

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Gently Ask Yourself “Have I Hurt Someone without Apologizing Yet?”

What might the Holy Spirit be trying to convict our hearts of, that we might be unknowingly—or even knowingly—ignoring? Some ways we offend other believers, and walk away from it, include: 

• anything you say about a person that you wouldn’t say in their presence 
• judging someone because of their past sin when Christ sees them as a new creation
• making distinctions between people and thereby treating some better than others (James 2:1-4 calls this becoming “judges with evil motives”)
• refusing to allow some to serve because of their life before coming to Christ
• failing to embrace, invite, or extend toward some believers because of personal prejudice
• failing to own up to your hurtful words or actions toward someone, attributing it to their sensitivity or misunderstanding, rather than your abrasiveness
• rudely stating your opinion and not caring how it makes the other person feel
• disagreeing with another believer over an interpretation of scripture (or something else) and shunning them, rather than bearing with them in love (1 Corinthians 13:7)
• not asking about, or coming to the aid of a brother or sister in Christ who is hurting
• taking advantage of one’s help or service and not being appreciative or reciprocal of their sacrifice

So why do we tend to do these things?

Here are 3 reasons we tend to wound others and not apologize for our sin:

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1. People Who Hurt, Hurt People

Sometimes we wound others because we haven’t addressed particular wounds in our own lives. When someone says something that triggers an old, festering wound, we are likely to react in a hurtful way to the person who perhaps unknowingly hurt us. Like injured animals, our instinct is to hurt back.

But Christ bore our wounds and he offers healing so that we can respond to others out of a healed heart. When we react out of our pain, we can become so focused on our own hurt, we don’t see how we’re hurting others. We can also tend to not give credit to people who believe we have hurt them, and therefore refuse to see our responsibility in an offense.

When we react to someone’s hurt as if it’s their issue, we are refusing to acknowledge their pain and our regard for it. And then that becomes our issue.

There is nothing wrong with sincerely saying, “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I never want to do that again.” 

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2. Self—and Not God’s Spirit—Is on the Throne of Our Life

If we are without Christ’s Spirit in us, it is natural for us to act out of our sinful nature, because we are a slave to it. But when we are in Christ, we are a new creation and the old self has died, making it unnatural for a Christ-follower to act within the old nature (2 Corinthians 5:17).

You and I, as believers, have a supernatural ability to live in Christ’s strength, but that happens only when we surrender the throne of our lives daily to the Lordship of Christ.

If self is on the throne, we are god and we bow to no one. We regard no one. We apologize to no one. When self is on the throne, our lives can look just like the lives of unbelievers.

But Christ regenerated us with His Spirit of love so that we would live differently than the rest of the world—with unconditional love and grace freely offered to others, because of how it was freely offered to us.

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3. We Are in the Middle of a Spiritual Battle 

Ephesians 6 tells us our struggle is not with flesh and blood. Those misunderstandings, petty conflicts, and real hurts and injustices are not merely the mix of two or more different personalities.

Satan works overtime to cause dissension in the church. That could be why believers have so much trouble with other believers—those within the church are targeted so the enemy of our souls can take us all down. But this is not an excuse.

We have a Defender who strengthens us and enables us to not fall prey to Satan’s attacks. 1 John 4:4 tells us: “Greater is He [Christ Jesus] who is in you than he who is in the world [Satan].”

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Why Apologizing Is So Hard for All of Us

Repentance, confession, and admission of guilt stomps on our pride, and that hurts. None of us wants to admit when we’re wrong, especially to another person.

And if we do and that person doesn’t receive it well, it can hurt us more or even anger us. Yet, when we truly understand what God’s Son did for us at Calvary, it will change the way we relate to others.

Unconditional love is the only way we will show unbelievers who God is. It’s also the only thing that will turn people toward Jesus not away from Him.

It is not in our human nature to love unconditionally. We want to love reciprocally.  If someone loves us, we may decide to love them back. But that is not godly love. Let’s be better than that.

 Let’s be at a church that rises up and loves like Jesus.

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2 Ways You Can Cause Less Hurt and Increase Peace amongst God’s People

2. Understand the difference between shame from the enemy and the Holy Spirit’s conviction.

Shame is from the condemner, Satan, who seeks to make you feel badly about who you are. Gentle conviction on your heart is from the Holy Spirit who makes you feel sorry for what you have done. Be open to the Spirit’s conviction on your heart through His Word, and through the wisdom of mature believers, and respond to it quickly. Otherwise, you may be hardening your heart toward the Spirit’s voice and continuing to live in sin and bitterness toward others, sometimes even unknowingly. Pride is subtle. And pride can silence the convicting voice of the Holy Spirit. When God convicts your heart, it is done in a tender way, like a loving father sitting down with his child and explaining why the child’s actions were wrong. With a loving arm around us, our Father gentle pushes us toward that person to reconcile in a way that will bring Him glory and result in our joy. 

2. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal your sin to you and the next steps you need to take.

To take inventory of your life, ask God to show you the faces or give you the names of people whom you have hurt, those who need a kind word from you, and an apology. I know it’s tough. But that’s called reconciliation even if it’s only on your part.

Now if you do this, be careful. God may not reveal this to you in the way you expect. It may come in the form of someone accusing you of treating them a certain way when you are convinced you haven’t. It may come in the form of what you believe is a false accusation or the result of someone else being triggered by their wounds and taking it out on you.

If this happens, don’t cry foul and ignore it. Ask God to show you the element of truth in the accusation. And pray for a teachable heart to follow through with your responsibility to repent and reconcile.

Are you willing to risk your pride in order to love as God does? Godly love turns others to Jesus. Let’s be a body of believers who truly know how to extend God’s unconditional love and forgiveness to believers and unbelievers alike. It’s the only way others will know we really are followers of Jesus.

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