5 Ways to Make Sure Your Yes Means Yes and No Means No

“But let your ‘yes’ mean ‘yes,’ and your ‘no’ mean ‘no.’ Anything more than this is from the evil one.” (Matthew 5:37, CSB)

In the larger context of the passage, Jesus speaks to the act of making oaths. Breaking such is an offense to the other person, but also to God. His larger point, however, is that you don’t need an oath if your character demonstrates high integrity and trustworthiness. People will know you mean what you say if you always mean what you say.

Applying this to modern-day living, we too can use this verse as a guideline for how to effectively communicate. Oaths and promises are not necessary when our word itself carries weight. Moreover, when our yes means yes and our no means no, speech and intentions are clear. We’re not presenting ourselves as deceitful but honest. We reveal ourselves to be trustworthy and, thus, as a more accurate representation of Christ.

Unfortunately, many of us, even those in the church, have adopted the world’s way of saying yes and no. We ghost and fade those interested in dating us. Instead of giving someone an honest answer, even when they ask, we lie for fear of blowback. We prioritize our own comfort in place of doing what’s right.

To intentionally mix our yes and no is to keep the other person in the dark. We are sinning against them and sinning against God by doing something that Jesus commands against. We ruin our character and our reputation, and we hurt the connection of our relationship. 

If you have unfortunately contributed to the confusion and bad communication of today’s modern culture, there’s always hope for change. Jesus never said we had to be perfect, but if we love Him, we will seek to honor His commandments. Here’s how you can make sure your yes means yes and your no means no.

1. Say What You Mean

One complaint that I have often heard and also personally experienced is the people you are interested in hanging out with or even dating, and as you attempt to make plans, the other person agrees, only to later become radio silent. A guy I know who has never had but eagerly wants a girlfriend has tried on various occasions to ask women out. More often than not, he is told one thing, but the lady’s actions communicate just the opposite. In his last venture, the woman told him she was excited to hang out, but as the date approached, she said that something came up, and she never contacted him again. They see each other weekly. He has no idea why she bailed, and when he followed up, he was treated to vague answers. Now, over a month has passed, and he has accepted the silent hint that she is not interested.

But why not just tell him?

If you don’t want to spend time together, say that. If you do, then express that also. Say exactly what you mean. Aside from people agreeing to do things that don’t actually interest them, we also make the mistake of not following through on the things that do interest us. When you give someone your word, see your commitment through to the end. If something does come up, which happens, then be sure to communicate as clearly as possible.

2. Be Direct

Another issue many people have in modern culture is being direct. Someone invites us out, and we want to say no but don’t. Likewise, we get wordy in the face of confrontation or discomfort. There’s a visceral fear of being offensive and potentially facing consequences, which leads us to beat around the bush. Unfortunately, if we approach a problem with wordiness, the outcome is often greater confusion without a solid solution.

The fix is to choose our words wisely but also concisely. Less is more. By being direct, our nos won’t read like a yes or come out like a maybe.

3. Check for Understanding

After explaining something to someone or if you’re the one listening, checking for understanding is good practice. If you’re the listener, one way to do this is to repeat what you understand back to the person. Say, “Here’s what I’m hearing.” If you’re speaking, you can ask them to share what they are interpreting. When we are on the same page, our relationships are strengthened. We find footing on solid rock, as opposed to fading sand.

4. Say No

Why are we afraid of saying and hearing the word no? No is a short word and a powerful one. We need to learn to say it when we overcommit ourselves and when we commit ourselves to things we actually don’t want to be a part of. If you don’t want to go out with that guy, tell him no. If that church party doesn’t interest you, then say no. Don’t lie by saying you will think about it when your mind is already made up. And don’t deceive yourself by believing that treating someone to silence is the same as saying no. Silence is no, but silence is indirect and insincere. This form of communication reveals you to be immature and disrespectful. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Would you want them to treat you to silence instead of just saying no? Would you want someone to do that to someone you love?

5. Don’t Conform

Naturally, the people we spend time with have some measure of influence over us. Therefore, we must be careful that whatever influence occurs is positive. If we conform to the world in how we communicate, our messages will continue to be indirect and insincere. Take note of the people around you who communicate well and emulate them.

Conclusion

The name of the game is practice, not perfection. If we are to keep Jesus’ commandments, then we should be striving to be more like Him each and every day. Not just in one aspect of life, or a few, but all. That includes communication. Our culture is in need of a revamping. Better communication will lead to less divorce, stronger friendships, and an end to the loneliness epidemic we keep hearing about, but do nothing to solve.

Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/tolgart 

Aaron D'Anthony Brown is a freelance writer, hip-hop dance teacher, and visual artist, living in Virginia. He currently contributes work to iBelieve, Crosswalk, and supports various clients through the platform Upwork. He's an outside-the-box thinker with a penchant for challenging the status quo. Check out his short story “Serenity.”