What Is True Reconciliation?

Forgiveness is at the very core of Christianity. Christ forgives, so we forgive others.

Still, many Christians can mix up fake forgiveness with true reconciliation. In a day and age full of narcissism, pride, and unforgiveness—how do we know when we’ve truly forgiven someone?

Why do certain Christians push “cheap forgiveness”? And why do we get this wrong so often?

We’ll explore these things and more in this article.

What Is Fake Reconciliation?

As we all know, reconciliation (in other words, reunification) is what we are called to do as Christians when conflict arises where someone wrongs someone. This is one of the core messages of the Gospel as Christ calls us to love our enemies and forgive 70 times 7.

A danger that can come out of reconciliation is false or fake reconciliation. Rather than genuinely forgiving and acknowledging wrongdoing, one may try to get through it quickly so they don’t have to dwell on their errors and don’t want to be uncomfortable. Vice Versa, rather than genuinely receiving someone’s forgiveness, that person may not entirely forgive by holding grudges or using the person’s past mistakes against them as leverage or blame shifting.

Please note that we understand that some conflicts or sinful acts committed against another may take longer before forgiveness occurs. There are occasions where the two people may never fully reconcile—from physical harm to neglect to manipulation and outcasting.

What Is True Forgiveness?

In contrast to fake reconciliation, what is biblical forgiveness? Let’s look to Scripture to see what it says.

Forgiveness involves mercy (Isaiah 55:7). Not every person who you forgive will apologize. There are many people in my life whom I have forgiven who will never admit to doing any wrong in a situation. We have mercy on those to whom we extend grace.

Forgiveness involves not holding grudges (Colossians 3:13). There’s a difference between pattern recognition and grudge-holding. Pattern recognition finds patterns of behavior. Maybe someone in your family lies constantly. You can forgive them for a lie, but be wary of lies that show up in the future.

But if you hold lies against someone, that’s grudge-holding.

Forgiveness involves confession (Proverbs 28:13, James 5:16). I think what a lot of Christians get wrong about the idea of reconciliation is there are two parties necessary for it to happen. You can forgive someone for a wrong, but healing doesn’t happen for both parties unless someone who has committed the wrongdoing is willing to own up to their fault.

This is why pithy statements such as, “Well, just forgive them, the Bible says so,” regarding narcissists can drive my co-author (Trey) and I crazy. You can give the offense to God, allowing him to work in the situation. But true reconciliation happens when people are willing to admit fault. James 5:16 is clear healing cannot happen unless confession does.

There are many other things that true forgiveness entails. We can offer grace and mercy as Christ has offered it to us.

But for relationships to heal and repair, both parties must participate.

Something also worth noting: if one party forgives and the other party refuses to admit fault, it’s not on the original party to repair the relationship. Relationships cannot be mended if people are unwilling to let them be mended.

As C.S. Lewis indicates in Mere Christianity, forgiveness does not mean you have to remain friends with the person. In the case of dealing with narcissists, it may be good to keep a healthy distance to avoid them using you for ammo.

Why Do Christians Settle for Cheap Forgiveness?

This has been a topic that I (Trey) had the opportunity to go through in Pastoral Ministry classes at my Anglican Catholic Church, along with grief recovery and managing anxiety in conflict. Below are some reasons why Christians choose cheap forgiveness, but it is not limited to them.

1.Peer Pressure. Rather than allowing the offended person to process their feelings and the forgiveness given to them, they may be pressured by the offender into just accepting forgiveness because waiting too long can be mistranslated as “you are holding a grudge.” It ignores the legitimate feelings and innocence of the offended as the offender doesn’t fully acknowledge just how hurtful they were.

2. Awkwardness. As seen in the classic parable, the Prodigal Son, the son comes before the father in rags and dirt while being vulnerable in asking for forgiveness. Because he was the offender, this is an awkward position to be in.

No one likes to be in awkward positions, especially if it requires them to be vulnerable in acknowledging their own choices and actions. Rather than sitting in the awkwardness, the offender will quickly brush through their forgiveness rather than letting the offended speak or express their feelings. They don’t like to dwell on their actions any longer, so they will try to get over it as fast as possible; all the while, little reconciliation takes place, and growth stagnates.

3. People Pleasing. Not to confuse it with peer pressure, but some people may not feel they can share their feelings due to a lack of experience in vulnerability and making needs known. The offended also might want to rush through the forgiveness to avoid upsetting the offender. So they will bottle up their real feelings by settling for cheap forgiveness, all while feeling guilty inwardly, which can even lead to grudge holding over time.

How Can I Recognize When I’ve Reconciled with Someone?

With all of this in mind, knowing the dangers of cheap forgiveness, how do we know a relationship has been reconciled?

1 Both Parties Have Humbled Themselves. It takes humility to forgive someone and let go of past hurts. It equally takes humility to recognize where we have messed up in a situation. Reconciliation happens when both parties give up their pride and allow God to work in both their hearts.

2. Both Parties Have Recognized God’s Forgiveness. We forgive because Christ forgave us. It takes recognizing our sins to realize how much more we need to let grace abound for those in our lives who wound us. The parable of the unforgiving servant often comes to mind. How can we hold grudges against those who have asked for our forgiveness?

3. Both Parties Intend to Mend the Relationship. This does not mean that they can’t be cautious in the future. We all have our habitual sins we fall into. We must keep one another accountable when we fall for the same temptations. But the goal of reconciliation should be a mended relationship. A relationship where we see one another as equals and made in God’s image.

If you want to forgive someone because “it’s the Christian thing to do” but have no intention of healing the relationship, it’s probably a false form of forgiveness.

With this whole subject, lifting up your concerns to God and asking him to soften your heart is important. And to soften the hearts of those who may have also hurt you. You will be surprised by how he moves.

Further Reading:

What is Reconciliation? Is Reconciliation with God Possible?

Reconciliation in the Bible: It's Meaning & Why We Need It

Forgiveness and Reconciliation in the Bible

18 Bible Verses about Reconciliation

Photo Credit: © Getty Images/fizkes

Hope Bolinger is an acquisitions editor at End Game Press, book editor for hire, and the author of almost 30 books. More than 1500 of her works have been featured in various publications. Check out her books at hopebolinger.com for clean books in most genres, great for adults and kids. Check out her editing profile at Reedsy.com to find out about hiring her for your next book project.

Trey Soto holds a B.A. in Communication Studies from Biola University and an M.A. in Communication Management from the University of Denver. He is a photographer, a writer, and a podcast host at T.V. Trey Podcast. You can see more of his work on his Wix portfolio.

This article is part of our larger resource library of Christian practices and disciplines important to the Christian faith. From speaking in tongues to tithing & baptism, we want to provide easy to read and understand articles that answer your questions about Christian living.

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