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Parenthood: I Can't Believe I Said That!

  • Carol Barnier Author
  • 2018 16 Jul
Parenthood: I Can't Believe I Said That!

We don’t write on the baby.

Please don’t lick the car.

How can you not know what hit you? The bruise is between your eyes.

When you thought about becoming a parent, you probably expected you’d say regular things, normal things, things that would be reasonable to find oneself saying. Things like “Eat your peas, honey.” “Close the door, dear.” “Of course Mommy will love you forever, my little snuggly-wuggly.” All perfectly reasonable.

Then…you actually had a child, maybe more than one, maybe a child or two who could even be described as unique, challenging, impulsive, and surprising. And because of this you now find yourself saying things you could NEVER have dreamed of, things that never cross the lips of parents with those calm, compliant, easygoing kids. (These people are like Sasquatch to me. I’ve heard they exist. I’ve even seen pictures in magazines. I’ve just not met one myself. But I’m sure they’re out there.)

Early in my son’s life, I found myself bending over to look in the clothes dryer and saying, “Finish the chapter you’re on, and come on out. It’s time for lunch.” It should have given me pause, but life with this child had produced more than one odd utterance.

Once I owned the fact that I was saying some bizarre things, I went on a mission to collect other such utterances from families all over. The result is a collection of some of the strangest and funniest things I’ve ever heard. Just for laughs, I thought I’d share a few of them with you.

  • Take the goat out of the bathroom, please.
  • I know I’ve never told you not to, but why on earth would you?
  • Don’t salt the chandelier.
  • What do you mean you cut a hole in your window screen to fit your paint gun through?
  • Using soap to wash your fish will not make them clean. (Spoken over a fish tank full of now expired fish.)
  • Put your hands where I can see them, and step away from your sister. (Feel the power of the mom law.)
  • Get your HEAD outta the cheese!
  • The sunroof is not an exit.
  • No thanks. Mommy doesn’t want to smell your earwax.
  • Hugs are not weapons.
  • Why do your shoes smell like gasoline?
  • Who colored the cat pink?
  • Your baby sister is not a rug.

My personal favorite was, “Spit your brother’s tooth back out, and give it back to him.” Can’t you just see the mother saying this with her hand cupped in front of her child’s mouth?

Sometimes you need an article that shares with you how to teach math on Monday morning. I get that. But sometimes you just need to know you’re not the only one saying and doing some of the crazy things we say and do. So when you next find yourself saying something truly strange, and you worry someone might hear you, take heart. We actually want to hear you. You are not alone, and once we hear what you say, we know we’re not alone, either. So it’s time to share. I keep thinking we should have a yearly contest and award for this, but I haven’t yet found a trophy with a hand over a parent’s mouth.

Visit Carol's site for parents who homeschool highly distractible kids.

© 2014 by Home Educating Family Association. All rights reserved. Used with permission. Originally published in 2014 Issue 2 of Home Educating Family Magazine, the publication with the most meaningful discussions taking place in the homeschooling community today. Visit to read back issues and for more articles, product reviews, and media.

Carol Barnier is a homeschooler of 19 years, author of four books, mother to three children, and wife to one husband. She’s a popular humorist frequently on Focus on the Family’s Weekend Magazine. Go to, and find out why her business cards say: Delightful Speaker, Entertaining Author, Adequate Wife, Pitiful Housekeeper.

Publication date: October 10, 2014