Family drama is always hard to deal with, but toxic relatives are just as hard. My grandparents (now both deceased) and dad, all toxic narcissists, make life complicated and unenjoyable. Nothing anyone does is good enough for them, and whatever you do (or don't do) always reflects on them and how they look to others. I grew up with their toxicity my whole life.
Aside from those who infuse the atmosphere with drama in the family, these aren't fun relatives to be around. Toxicity can be various things: the aunt that gets drunk and says anything, the in-law that thinks they are better than everyone, the sibling that has a foul mouth and doesn't care who they use it around. It can also mean manipulation, blaming, lying, judging others, and not taking responsibility for one's actions.
It's hard to decide how to handle these toxic people, especially with family gatherings. Here are some ways that married couples can cope with toxic relatives.
1. Create Boundaries
It is crucial to set boundaries with toxic people. If they are coming to your home for a family event, let them know what time you want them to arrive. If you are going to someone else's house, say hello and be polite, but then seek others in attendance.
Another aspect of setting boundaries is letting them know the best way and time they can reach you. Since toxic people do not know personal boundaries, it's best to let them know what days and times you will be available to talk to or meet with them. Also, in setting boundaries, you gain the upper hand in the situation because they can't control you, which will limit their behavior.
Limiting your contact with them by only talking to them during the appointed time frame you are available is good. If they call, text, or email you outside of this time, let it go until you are available. It doesn't matter how many times they contact you. If you aren't available or aren't feeling it, then don't respond.
I have had to do this with my own relatives from time to time. If I don't feel like talking to you, I won't. In my experience, all they do is talk about themselves and what they are doing. They don't care what you are doing in your life, and even if they ask, they aren't sincere because they don't care.
Also, if you are at a gathering, make sure you surround yourself with family members that you like in order to insulate yourself. Don't let yourself get stuck when you are alone with this person.
3. Don't Engage
If you are at a family function and things get heated or ugly, don't engage. This can be hard when things are getting argumentative, but holding your tongue will also keep your sanity. By voicing your opinion, your words can be used against you later, and honestly, you won't change anyone's mind.
The primary goal of a toxic person is to get you into an argument to wear you down so that they can control you.
Surround yourself with genuine people who love you and want to know and like you for you. This can be friends, co-workers, other parents, etc. This will help dilute all the negativity you have to deal with in your family. They can act as a buffer between you and the negativity and be a sounding board when you need to vent to someone.
Chances are, some of them may have or are in the same situation you are. If you have friends who also deal with toxic family members, go to coffee and have an honest discussion about how each of you handles things. You may learn a lot from each other.
5. Cut Off All Contact
One thing that drives me crazy is when people say, "Oh, that is your (mom, dad, brother, etc), and they will always be your family." or "You need to forgive your (mom, dad, sister, etc) and move on." No. There is a point where things can get way too toxic and unhealthy, and you must cut off all contact with people. I don't care if it's family or friends; sometimes, it has to be done.
Should we forgive these people? Yes, but that doesn't excuse people's behavior. Also, I don't think Jesus wants us to have to deal with toxic people and be miserable in our lives. He wants us to be around people who love and lift us up, not tear us down and make us feel awful about ourselves.
6. Talk to Someone
Get together with a trusted friend and talk about your family and what it's like at family gatherings. Having a listening ear can be the best thing to get out of your head and emotions and find some clarity.
Toxic people stress us out, so manage your stress. Exercise, pray, engage in a hobby, get a massage, or do something else that helps you to relax and decompress.
If you need to, talk to your doctor about different medical options to help manage your stress. If you need to be on medication or take stress supplements for a short time, it's okay. This happened to me when I was working in a national grocery chain. I was on anxiety medication for a brief period and then got off of it once I learned how to handle my stress better.
8. Be Mindful of Your Health
Ensure you get the optimum amount of sleep you need since it can be different for everyone. Take your vitamins, drink more water, and cut back on caffeine and sugar. Do all the things that are unique to you to feel your best. If any additional health issues crop up, talk to your doctor.
In my experience, it helped to talk to the toxic person about all the things they did to me as a kid. I had a phone conversation and spoke my piece. They, of course, didn't own up to any of it and said, "It takes two to tango." I still felt better by speaking up.
However, everyone's situation is unique, so it is up to you whether you say something.
10. Let Go of What You Can't Change
Even if you try your best, the most toxic people won't change, which can be very aggravating and frustrating. When you arrive at this realization, the best thing to do is let go of what you can't change. They will always be who they are, and that is it.
This can be much easier said than done, so ask the Lord to help you. In doing so, he will provide you with wisdom and may even give you some insight you didn't have before.
11. Pray for Them
One of the best things you can do is pray for the toxic people in your life and the situations where you will interact with them. This can be extremely hard when it's your own family, and you are harboring feelings of hurt, frustration, or resentment. It can also be challenging when it's your spouse's family, and they have hurt you and/or your spouse, or you don't want to be around them.
Ask the Lord to help you have the desire to pray for them in the first place, and then ask him to guard and guide you and your spouse at your upcoming event.
12. Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, things get too overwhelming, and you need to talk to someone other than family and friends. There is nothing wrong with talking to a mental health professional about what you are feeling. Married couples can go together to talk out their issues with either their individual family members or each other. It may even be good to go separately in addition so you can sort things out in your heart and mind to get your own clarity.
Being around toxic relatives does not make life easy or fun. It can be hard when you are expected to put yourself and your spouse in uncomfortable situations. By considering the suggestions above, you should be able to find some ideas to help navigate your situation.
