How Can Forgiveness Save Your Marriage?
- Amanda Idleman Contributing Writer
- Published Feb 07, 2022
Here's the trouble with marriage: if you're lucky, it sticks for life. Do you know how many times you have to say sorry to the same person in order to stay connected over a lifetime? A lot of times.
The struggle is that those "sorries" become harder to say and even harder to accept. We grow jaded and begin to brush off these words of reconciliation because we say we've heard this all before. The default posture we take is to jump straight to the idea that our spouses are just going to make that same mistake again before even giving them a chance to prove otherwise. Bitterness begins to form in our hearts, hardening the space between us. Forgiveness is vital to keep love alive in our marriages.
Meanwhile, don't you wish you could promise your spouse in earnest that you'll never again do that thing that already sent them over the edge multiple times just this month? We all do. We all so badly want to get it all right and not make the same mistake again. We hope to stop shutting down in the same old predictable ways. For most of us, it takes time, prayer, practice, and, more than anything else, the power of the Holy Spirit to see true change in our lives. People are stubborn and don't quite get it the first time we mess something up. We must be willing to offer our spouses kindness and allow them the grace to grow in the areas that they may fail.
1. Forgiveness Allows Us to Keep Tenderness and Kindness Alive in Our Marriage
Ephesians 4:32 says, "Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." These words may be the hardest to live out in the context of marriage. Familiarity leads to comfort, which can bring out our very worst selves. Tenderness that brought us together can become inconvenient, and our words grow harsh and abrupt. Hurried and unkind words create rifts in our union when we fail to choose forgiveness.
Forgiveness allows us to respond with kindness even when our partner may not deserve it. Deescalation can happen in tense situations when one person chooses to be gracious in response to anger and frustration expressed by the other. Following the guidance of Ephesians, where forgiveness is our norm, we can keep the peace in our homes. More than that, we offer our spouse a safe space to land when inevitably our less-than-perfect self emerges.
2. Forgiveness Gives Insight to Conflict
Galatians 6:2 says, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." The ISV translation says, "practice carrying each other's burdens." In the context of marriage, it takes so much practice to learn how to lay down our own right to be offended and offer an empathetic ear when conflict arises. It is not natural to choose grace when the person that is supposed to be our closest friend and faithful companion does something that breaks our heart a little bit.
This is why we need Jesus to make this unfair equation of choosing to love for a lifetime work! Even in the best marriage, there are moments where our actions either intentionally or unintentionally hurt our partner. When we start nursing our wounds, rather than communicating our feelings with kindness and choosing forgiveness, even the "best marriage" can find itself in a dark place. This is because when we are hung up on a hurt from the past, our ears are closed to hear our partner's burdens. We can't hear, see, or find a way forward together when conflict arises.
When we enter each conversation with an open heart to hear what our spouse needs, we are able to empathize with them. Empathy makes space for real conversation. It helps us see a way forward together that is not bogged down with resentment for every prior wrong our partner has committed against us. We must practice forgiveness to bear the burdens of our partners.
3. Forgiveness Is the First Step Towards Healing
James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." Confession, prayer, and forgiveness are the way that God begins to heal the broken relationships in our lives. God's word tells us that these prayers of reconciliation have great power!
If our hearts remain open to one another, almost any marriage can find a path forward (excluding situations where there is abuse). The path towards wholeness starts with both of us willing to confess our sins to one another and the Lord. We have to lay down our pride, admit the ways we have failed, and ultimately accept God's gracious forgiveness for our situation.
Sometimes I've found that forgiving myself can be harder than forgiving my husband. God's grace is sufficient to cover the wrongs against us but also covers our own wickedness. The enemy wants us to feel hopelessly broken so we are more willing to throw in the towel on our marriage than accept God's and our spouse's forgiveness for the ways we have failed.
4. God Prospers Those Who Forgive
Proverbs 28:13 says, "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." God's book of advice tells us that hiding our wrongs and not seeking out forgiveness leads to bad stuff. His mercy is present when we are willing to confess and forgive.
If we want God's blessing to be in our marriage, we must follow his guidance. Openness and humility are the character traits God wants to develop in us through our marriages. I've been married for 14 years, and I feel like I am only just beginning to understand this. My natural response is to hide my need, defend myself, and hold a grudge. This posture has only brought me heartache. I have finally begun to realize that making my marriage work requires me to lay down my pride, confess my failures and needs, and forgive when my husband does something stupid, like forget that I planned a day date for us.
The truth is we will never reach a point where we get it all right. Marriage is a beautiful gift from God joining two very imperfect people. We always have to keep working at it and keep inviting the Holy Spirit into the imperfect spaces of our lives.
The longevity of marriage is our opportunity to practice bearing, forgiving, showing kindness, and tenderness. We won't always get it right, but the key is to keep showing up for another day together! Don't get discouraged and stop apologizing because you think your words are of no effect. Apologies will never stop being needed in a committed relationship, and even more than that, we must keep on forgiving each other and ourselves. Jesus said that we are called to forgive seventy times seven times, and He surely had marriage in mind when he gave that advice! It's not easy to make a life together. Marriage requires a million apologies and a million and one times to forgive!
