How to Keep the Romance Alive While Raising Teens
- Alicia Searl Contributing Writer
- Published Jul 07, 2023
The look on his face told me everything. He was frustrated, tired, and running on empty. Quite honestly, I felt the same. Another emotionally draining evening with our oldest daughter found us in a collapsed state on the couch. There was no denying it; we were spent. While the thought of snuggling up next to my man did cross my mind, it quickly turned into dozing off, only to be woken up at 2 am with a crick in my neck. Ugh.
Raising teens has its own unique set of challenges, often putting a damper on a marriage. And, if I were being completely honest with you, I miss my hubby. I miss the cute way he used to look at me when I did something silly. The way he would come up behind me while I cleaned the dishes. The way he showered me with sweet and simple surprises or the tender and unexpected whispers that were meant only for me. It seems as if they have all but vanished.
Many days I am left wondering - what happened to us? Maybe you can relate?
Recently, after several nights of teen invasion, my dear hubby and I realized we needed to set the record straight. We lovingly (but firmly) told our oldest daughters that they were infringing on our time and needed to leave us. During that time, we opened up a line of communication on topics that needed to be addressed – romance being front and center. Here is the conclusion we came to: This season may be a lot about them, but we have to remember that it all started with us!
The truth of the matter is that keeping romance alive while raising teens isn’t easy. It can be some of the most challenging years of a marriage! Learning how to be lovers again and rekindle the romance without losing your mind during these years may seem downright impossible. But it can be done. And, yes, it is totally possible!
Remain a United Front
Raising teenagers comes with many strings attached. Teens push boundaries, can be irrational at times, and sure know how to try our patience. They even play games that can pin you against your spouse. Maybe you’ve heard the classic statement, “Well, mom (dad) said…”
It’s important to stand firm, remaining a united front. Your teen must understand that they can’t manipulate your marriage to their advantage. When times get tough, because they will, you must go in as a team. The best part about remaining a united front is that it will foster a connection that can turn up the heat later. And try to remember this - you and your sweet spouse made it through those trying toddler years, and you will endure the trying teen years too.
Be Realistic
In knowing that certain times or situations will cause the romance barometer to drop drastically, try to be realistic. Teens can be emotionally and mentally draining; then there’s the fact that mid-life just brings on back and neck aches like never before - grrr. Yep, doesn’t really make for a passionate evening.
So, when you just aren’t feeling too lovely dovey, discover ways to release some of that stress and reclaim your romance in a different way. Start by sitting on the same couch and snuggling up to watch your favorite show. You could also listen to some of your favorite music, share fun memories, or go on your back porch and star gaze. Keeping it simple and being realistic about the nature of this season will allow you to let go of expectations while also showing that you still want to make a connection.
Carve Out Time
Be intentional and make it happen. Whether it is a regular date night or a time in the day that calls for just the two of you to be alone, without distraction, carve out the time. The beautiful thing about doing things together, just the two of you, is that it sends a loud and clear message to your teen (and spouse) that you are committed to prioritizing your marriage.
Simply grabbing your favorite latte at a local bakery once a week or going on a stroll around the neighborhood allows for conversations to open up and share our hearts. Share your hopes and dreams and what you love about your teens. This investment of time will do wonders for your marriage.
Establish Boundaries
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/gradyreese
As you well know, teens test boundaries. Those boundaries eventually broke into our sacred alone time as husband and wife. We found that our evenings of resting, relaxing, and catching up with one another were getting later and later. Before we knew it, we were trudging off to bed like zombies and had little to no time to even talk.
You have to set perimeters around your space and time together. It could be something as simple as saying they retire to their rooms at 9 or 10 o’clock, or when you and your spouse go into your bedroom, they must respect a closed door. Boundaries that work for you and your spouse sets the tone in your home and allow you to reclaim your time and nurture your love.
Create a Special Space
My dear husband and I really enjoy our backyard. We will often slip out with a cup of coffee (or a glass of wine in the evening) and sit on our lazy swing that glides across the porch. Sometimes we don’t even say anything; we just soak in each other’s company. It’s peaceful, quiet, and, oh-so nice.
Think about your home and a special spot that could serve as a little sanctuary for you two. The thing about creating a special space that is meant for just the two of you is that it allows you to reconnect and serves as both functional and romantic. Place some candles around the room or space, dim the lights, or play soft music to add a soft and romantic touch. Having a special spot to retreat takes the pressure away from tending to family and teens and places it on each other, inviting love in.
Scriptures to Lean On
God gave us such a special gift within marriage. It is the only relationship in which we take an oath and vow before God. We often need to be reminded of that when we are immersed in difficult seasons. Try placing verses that touch your heart around your home to remind you how God views marriage and that He wants to be the center of it. If you need some examples, take a glance at the ones below.
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. Matthew 19:5
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Ephesians 5:25
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22
The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18
You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Songs 4:7
Marriage is such a blessing; just like anything worth having, it requires dedication and hard work! Keeping the romance alive while raising teens may feel impossible at times, but I hear (from those that have made it through to the other side) that the reward is great!
