Why Do My Loved Ones Hurt Me?

Vivian Bricker Contributing Writer
Published May 25, 2023

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It is a tragic reality that loved ones hurt us. Moms, dads, brothers, sisters, friends, wives, and husbands can all hurt us. As nice as it would be for our loved ones to never hurt us, for many people, this isn’t true.

While there are many people who are surrounded by encouragement, support, and love from those who are close to them, it is important for us to recognize the people who don’t have these loving types of relationships.

However, we also have to acknowledge the truth that we can be hurt by anyone, even our loved ones.

Hurt and Pain

None of us enjoy hurt and pain. It cuts deep into our hearts, and can feel as though someone is pouring salt into our wounds. When we are hurt by our loved ones, it is even more painful.

We expect our loved ones to be there for us, care about us, and take our feelings into account, yet time after time, we have noticed they don’t. Maybe this is true for you.

From my own personal experience, my loved ones tend to be the ones who hurt me the most. If you have a loving, caring, and supportive family and friend situation, I’m happy for you, and I’m glad you get to experience this blessing.

Yet, I cannot say I’m not jealous of you because I am. From the time of a teen, I yearned for family and friends not to hurt me — but rather to genuinely care about me and love me. My family hurt me growing up constantly, and little love was ever extended.

More hate and hurt have always been in the midst of our family life. My older sister, the middle of three, has been the only member of my family who has always been there without fail.

Through family issues, illnesses, deaths, hurts, and pain, she has always been there for me. She has hurt me at times, as I know I have hurt her as well, yet through our strong friendship and sisterhood, we are always able to forgive each other.

Hurting others and being hurt are inevitable. Since we live in a fallen, sinful world, we hurt people, and they hurt us. However, God doesn’t want us to hurt others, including our loved ones. Instead, He wants us to love them, support them, and be there for them.

This is a challenge to many because this requires intentional effort. Many people make statements such as “I love you” or “You mean so much to me,” only for them to deny their words in their actions.

In a way, these statements can be manipulative, as I have been manipulated many times by those who claim they love and care about me. I’ve always been a big proponent of it's not what you say, and it’s what you do.

It’s easy for someone to tell you they love you and care about you, but the hard part is showing it in your actions.

In reality, though, if you really care about someone and love them, you should want to only extend love — never hurt — and it shouldn’t be difficult to show others you love them in your actions.

Words and Actions Hurt

Our words and actions can hurt others — especially if we are close to someone. If strangers hurt us with a hurtful word or a mean facial expression, it hurts our feelings, but it’s nothing compared to when a friend or family member does it.

It hurts so much because we genuinely believed the person cared about us, only to find out they never did. It is important to remember that if we hurt someone, it sends the message that you don’t care about their feelings.

Whether the hurt was intentional or not, you have to accept the truth that if you hurt others, there are consequences, and these consequences can include your friend, family member, or significant other distancing themselves from you.

In a way when a loved one hurts us in a very deep way, it breaks trust in the individual. Without trust, any type of friendship or relationship cannot survive. Since there is no trust, the individual won’t be able to trust with their thoughts, feelings, or pain.

This is why it is important we are careful with our words and our actions. You never know what your loved one may be going through, and it’s best to treat them with extra care. Even if they are not going through a struggle, it is best to treat all people the way you want to be treated.

This is taught in Jesus’ teaching of the golden rule, “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12).

Jesus wants us to love others and treat them well. When we hurt others, we are technically hurting God Himself. All humans are made in God’s image; therefore, when we hurt others, we are hurting someone created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27).

We might think we can easily heal up a hurt, yet this isn’t always true. For a simple hurt, such as not replying to a text message, it may be easy; however, for a big hurt, it won’t be as easy.

While it is important for us to forgive all people because this is what God commands us to do, it doesn’t mean it is okay. In fact, it could be so far from okay, yet the person you are forgiving is what Jesus says to do (Ephesians 4:32; Matthew 6:14-15).

Even though we forgive someone when they hurt us, it doesn’t mean we have to be reconciled with them. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. While we need to be kind to others, it doesn’t mean we should open our hearts to them again.

Unfortunately, if you have found your loved one has hurt you on more than one occasion, it is highly likely they will hurt you again. It is best to protect yourself and choose to surround yourself with people who will be genuinely loving, caring, and supportive of you.

You might choose to spend some time alone in order to heal, and that’s perfectly okay. It is not good for your mental health or your emotional well-being to be around those who will take advantage of you, hurt you, and cause you emotional distress.

Turning to God

When our loved ones hurt us, it hurts terribly. God wants us to turn to Him in these times and pour our hearts out to Him. He cares about every single hurt we have, and He longs to heal our wounds.

The Bible tells us, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). As this passage of Scripture says, God will heal our broken hearts, and He will heal our wounds. When our loved ones hurt us, it is miserable.

Even though at these times we may feel nobody cares about us or they don’t love us, we can rest assured that God loves us.

God’s love for us is everlasting, unconditional, and magnificent (Romans 8:31-39). His love for us never changes, and He will never hurt us. He only longs for our good and wants the best for us (Romans 8:28).

We might feel alone at times in our hurt and pain, yet God is always there with us even if we don’t feel Him. If a loved one has hurt you, turn to Him, pour your heart out to Him, and trust Him to carry your pain.

While the pain will most likely stay with you, you can follow God’s commands by forgiving the person and choosing to move forward despite the pain. It can be hard at times; however, there is no growth or joy in allowing someone’s words and actions to bring us down.

Jesus died for us to have abundant life, and with this abundant life, He wants us to acknowledge the pain yet not allow the pain to control our lives.

For further reading:

What Do I Do When Friends Hurt Me?

How to Remember That Words Do Hurt

How Do We Pray for Those Who Hurt Us?

Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master's degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.