10 Tips for De-Escalating an Argument with Your Spouse

First, we need to understand the root of the conflict. Sometimes we know what the root of the conflict is; other times, we may not know. Sometimes it's a variety of things. It's easy to guess what our spouse is thinking or feeling, but this is not a wise decision.

Instead, sit down with your spouse and talk through the root of the problem. This way, you will have total clarity about the issue at hand.

Active listening is key when trying to find a resolution with your spouse. It's easy to tune out what your spouse is saying in the heat of the moment, but this won't solve anything. Actively listening to each other is key.

What Is Active Listening?

Active listening is when you actively process and try to understand the meaning of the words spoken by another person. It's not just hearing the words that come out of their mouth; it's being fully tuned in to the speaker and their feelings and views. You do this while demonstrating you accept and validate their experience. Active listening includes reading your partner's body language, maintaining your attention, and controlling your emotional responses.

It is very important to choose the right time and place for discussion. Most people are too busy in the morning and too tired at night. Responsibilities like kids, household chores, and other obligations can get in the way.

Where you have a discussion is just as important. Ensure that you can be somewhere where family members won't hear and you won't be interrupted. Try meeting at a coffee shop and taking a quiet booth in the back. If you own your own business, go there when you are closed, and no one will interrupt you. Go to a park or somewhere in nature where you can sit on a bench and talk or walk and talk.

When you are in the heat of an argument with your spouse, it's easy to blame each other for what's wrong, regardless of whether it's true or not. Sometimes, one person is causing the issue, and other times, the blame can be on both parties.

Regardless, blaming each other and saying things like, "You never hear me," "You never take a turn with the kids," or "You never listen to my perspective" will only make things worse. It's guaranteed that your spouse will tune you out.

Start phrases with "I feel like" to express how you are feeling. For example, "When you go to take a shower when you get home instead of helping with the kids, I feel frustrated." Or, "When you forget to pick up my dry cleaning, I feel like my needs don't matter." This will keep the focus on how you feel rather than blaming your spouse.

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Knowing when to take a time-out is extremely important. In the heat of the moment, it's easy for couples to say things they don't mean and will regret later. There are some things you should watch out for in helping you know when to take a step back.

Increased Emotional Intensity: When we are emotional, we say things we regret; therefore, we should take a step back.

Feelings of frustration: If you feel overwhelmed, take a break.

Desire for peace: If you want to stop arguing and focus on rebuilding a relationship that is more peaceful, take a step back.

A need for space: Needing some space to cool off is also a sign that you both need to take a step back and take a breather.

We are called to love our spouses as Christ loves the church. This means avoiding blame and criticism when arguing with each other. Still, in the heat of the moment, how do we do this?

As stated above, use 'I' statements.

Be respectful: Show your spouse respect, even when you disagree.

Take a pause: When things are getting heated, pause and allow your emotions to simmer down.

Avoid hostile comments: It's easy for us to say whatever comes to mind when arguing with our spouses. Avoid making comments that may sadden, embarrass, or humiliate your spouse.

Sometimes, a solid solution that suits both people won't be found, so compromise comes in. Compromising is when you collaborate with your partner rather than going against each other when solving problems. This helps each person be heard, and you both create a solution that works for both of you.

Here are some tips for compromising with your partner.

-Let go of always having to be right. Consider whether several 'right' solutions can help.

-Find some common ground. Instead of debating what your partner is saying, find something you can agree with in what they are saying.

-Negotiate a trade. If you fold the laundry, they can choose what to put on the menu for the week.

-Always remain calm: Going on the defensive doesn't help anyone.

-Listen intently and really listen to what your spouse is saying.

-Choose your battles. Don't fight just to be right; focus on what is important to you and find that middle ground.

-Try both ways. If you are arguing about the shortest route to your kids' school, take a weekend drive and take each route to see which is the shortest.

-Map out your priorities. Draw a large circle on a piece of paper and a small circle inside it. In the small circle, write your 'core needs.' These needs are non-negotiable and inflexible. Then, in the large circle, write areas in which you can be flexible. This will help you learn about yourself and your spouse and may help you find a compromise together.

If you can, use humor to diffuse tension. Sometimes, that's all you need to break free of the atmosphere and help you see things from a fresh perspective.

After having an argument, it's important to lay some ground rules for future discussions. This is helpful if you lost control in your last heated argument. Here are some ground rules to establish.

Listen actively: This ensures that both parties feel heard and understood. This builds trust between you and helps your argument go from debate to an honest dialogue.

Use 'I' statements.

Focus on specific events: If you have several issues to discuss, talk about one at a time. This keeps your conversation on point and prevents it from turning into a complaint fest.

Set clear boundaries: Let your spouse know what is and is not acceptable in an argument. This will help prevent misunderstandings and protect your relationship because everyone is on the same page.

Revisit the Conflict After the Storm Has Passed

It's hard to reconnect after a big fight with your spouse. Here are some ways to help you do that.

Take a breather: Put some space between yourselves and spend some time alone.

Articulate your feelings: Take some time to unpack yourself on an emotional and mental level. Ask yourself hard questions about your feelings and why you feel this way.

Have a conversation about it: Sit down and have an adult conversation with honest answers about how you feel and don't play the blame game.

Pay attention to what your partner says. If they raise some good points, note what they are saying so neither of you won't make the same mistakes repeatedly.

Resist the temptation to keep fighting; keep hurtful jabs to yourself.

Apologize: Do this genuinely and honestly.

Prioritize your relationship: Drop your priorities and spend time together for a while

Forgive yourself: If you acted badly or said horrible things during your argument, forgive yourself and move forward with more awareness.

Don't pressure your spouse: If they don't feel like opening back up to you again, give them the time they need.

Consider going to counseling together.

Things may be so bad between you that you need to go for professional counseling. There is nothing to be ashamed of if this is the route you need to take to get your relationship back on track and better than ever.

Having an occasional argument with your spouse is normal in a marriage. Keep these things in mind to de-escalate the situation before you say or do anything you can't take back.