Top 5 Challenges of the Newly Married
- 2008 27 Aug
Are you about to get married? Does that mean that for the first time you'll be Actually Cohabiting with your one true love? If not, does that make you a hopeless sinner bound for perdition? Do you wonder why people don't use the word "perdition" anymore? Don't you think it's a great word?
Are you tired of me asking stupid questions? Do you wish I would just get to the point already?
Okay, fine. Be that way. But remember what Plato said: "I can't believe my mom named me Plato. Why not Spoono, or Forko? I hate my life."
Um .... but as I was saying. If you're about to get married for the first time, below are my Top 5 Ideas about the challenges you'll rather abruptly find yourself facing as often as you might find the Loch Ness monster's slimy head looming up at you if you lived on a houseboat in the middle of Lake Loch.
1. The extremely intense and fundamental weirdness of sex. I'd love nothing more than to elaborate on this ever fascinating topic. But, alas, when it comes to sex, we Christians have a strict rule: Don't ask, don't tell. So I'm afraid I can't help you with this one. And neither can anyone else. And now I've already said too much.
2. Having someone know you better than you know yourself. When you're "only" dating someone, you can hide a lot of yourself. And you do. You might not think you do, but you do. There's nothing nefarious or shameful in this; it's just a natural truth that not being married leaves you a lot of stuff about yourself that you keep to yourself. When you're alone, you live in a privacy bubble. Being married pops that bubble. Once you're married, your spouse learns who you really are. You learn who you really are---and your spouse has a front row seat to that show. When you're married, you are on. The curtain never goes down on the your personal show. Your spouse sees and knows all you do. It's the most glorious thing in the world. And the scariest.
3. Chores. It's all about who does what, when, and how often. ALL! Okay, maybe not "all." But if, in fairly short order, you and your spouse don't formulate and ratify a Chore Distribution Treaty, it'll seem like all in about as much time as it takes you to leave a pair of socks behind you on the floor.
4. Being wrong about stuff. Before you're married, your opinions, judgements, proclamations, estimates and assertions are dead-on correct about 90% of the time. After you're married, that ratio reverses: suddenly, you're wrong about 90% of the time. Especially if you're a guy. For some reason, getting married has the effect of making men wrong about stuff. The data on this extraordinary phenomenon is still coming in, but recent evidence points to the distinct and frankly alarming possibility that women are smarter than men. This is something that all single men suspect, but that only married men know for sure. If you're a woman, you've known it since the first time you ever heard a little boy burp on purpose.
5. Realizing you can't leave. Before you're married to a person you can, if you get into a fight with them, leave them. You might not ever want to leave that person; leaving might not be part of your Operational Mindset with them at all. But the fact remains that at any time before Actual Marriage, you are free to leave. After you're married, though ... not so much. Sure, you can still leave your husband or wife. But once you're married, walking away means walking away to a lawyer's office. And I think we all know how we feel about ... whoa. It's three in the morning, and my wife just appeared at my office door, asking me to come back to bed with her.