5 Ways to Restore Emotional Intimacy in Marriage
- Keren Kanyago Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
- Updated Feb 20, 2023
Brian and Lucy were inseparable during their courtship. They spent hours on end huddled up in restaurants looking into each other's eyes and having heart-to-heart conversations. They had both never felt so vulnerable in any other relationships. They knew without a trace of doubt that they belonged together and looked forward to their wedding day, which would signal the beginning of the most exciting phase of their lives.
Six years into their wedding, Brian and Lucy were simmering in discontentment. Brian accused Lucy of being unappreciative of what he did for the family, whereas Lucy complained that Brian was never available for her. They both no longer sensed the formidable connection they once shared and were at pains to explain what had changed since they tied the knot. In truth, they had both stopped fostering emotional intimacy in their marriage.
What Is Emotional Intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is the strong connection shared between people in a close-knit relationship. The two share a formidable connection and are vulnerable to each other. They also love, trust, and feel secure in the relationship. Emotional intimacy is not a preserve for marriage; it can be shared between any two friends. However, it is a critical component of marriage. A marriage devoid of emotional intimacy is like a plant without water that will wilt away in time.
Here are some traits of a marriage that exudes emotional intimacy:
-Spouses feel free to share their hopes, fears, and dreams. They also harbor no secrets.
-Spouses feel heard, appreciated, and secure in their marriage relationship.
-Spouses spend time together and communicate effectively with each other.
-Spouses are playful with each other and share humor.
It is not unusual for couples to be languishing in marriages devoid of emotional intimacy. After marriage, life gets busy with kids, careers, bills, and studies, among other things. Many couples prioritize everything else but their marriage. They assume that tying the knot means their relationship will automatically thrive.
They assume they don't have to lift a finger where the marriage is concerned. They expect the marriage to work itself out. With time, the emotional intimacy they once shared goes out the window and is swiftly replaced by resentment. If your marriage has lost the emotional connection you once enjoyed, do not fret. Here are five things you can do to restore emotional intimacy in marriage.
1. Prioritize Your Marriage
"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." (Mathew 6:21)
"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?" (Mark 8:36)
Where does your marriage rank in your order of priorities? The best indicator of your priorities is the time and effort you invest in the things that matter to you. This begs the question, is your marriage a priority, or do you accord it leftover time and attention? If you have relegated your marriage to the back burner, there's likely no emotional intimacy between you and your spouse.
Set aside time daily to connect with your spouse to make your marriage a priority. Your marriage needs both quality and quantity time if you are to restore its luster. Ensure you communicate effectively with your spouse. There should be no gray areas or blurry lines. Appreciate your spouse and take an interest in the things they fancy (e.g., hobbies)—plan for weekly dates and vacations just for the two of you. Keep in touch with them through calls and texts when you are apart.
Remember how enmeshed your lives were when you were dating/courting? Remember how in sync your words and thoughts were? You would read each other's minds and complete each other's sentences. Try doing the things you did when you were dating and watch the emotional intimacy in your marriage begin to bud.
2. Prioritize Intimacy
Isn't it ironic that before marriage, many couples can barely wait to have sex, yet in marriage, it becomes a major issue of contention? God ordained sex as the sacred seal in a marriage. Sex unites a man with a woman, and they become one flesh. It's the deepest and most intimate expression of love between a man and his wife. It's little wonder, then, that regular sex in marriage fosters a strong emotional bond between spouses.
While writing to the Corinthian church, Paul emphasized the importance of sex in marriage and urged couples not to deprive one another (1 Corinthian 7: 4-5). Paul warned that they risked getting tempted if they did not prioritize sexual intimacy. This confirms the role of sex in keeping couples strongly bound to each other. To restore emotional intimacy in marriage, couples need to enjoy regular sex. Apart from fostering solid emotional intimacy, regular intimacy helps a couple to forgive and empathize with each other easily.
3. Weed Out Distractions
"Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." (1 Peter 5:8).
Let's be honest - there are tons of distractions that prey furiously on marriages. Even when couples have a strong desire to connect with each other, several things sprout up and compete for their time and attention. If you want to restore emotional intimacy in marriage, you have to be intentional about staying focused on your resolve to connect with your spouse.
Such distractions may include our jobs, hobbies, friends, and even our children. Please don't get me wrong; all these are important aspects of our lives. Children, for instance, need to be lovingly nurtured, which takes lots of time and commitment (especially when they are young). But couples still need to reserve time to nurture their relationship.
Another big distraction that snuffs out emotional intimacy in marriage is how we use technology. For instance, many couples have fallen into the trap of cellphone addiction. They use their phones even when together with their spouses, thinking they are still spending time together.
It hurts your spouse when they see you prioritizing your phone over them. They crave and deserve undivided attention from you. They want to be seen and heard. They want to know that they are your most important human being. Avoid using your phone while connecting with your spouse.
4. Embrace Effective Communication
Effective communication is a critical component of a good marriage. Spouses who don't gloss over communication will most likely have their emotional intimacy intact. This is because communication in marriage enhances trust, honesty, and respect. It also wards off unnecessary conflict and helps couples to feel strongly bonded to each other.
Furthermore, communication in marriage keeps gray areas at bay and saves time that would otherwise be spent speculating what one's partner is up to. Relationship experts state that prompt communication increases marital satisfaction and strengthens a marriage.
5. Enrich Your Marriage
Another sure way of fostering emotional intimacy is signing up for marriage enrichment programs. You can find such programs in your local church or enlist a marriage therapist's help. You could also come together with like-minded couples where you share experiences and hold each other accountable. Enrolling in marriage enrichment programs will also help you spend time with your spouse, which will, in turn, keep you connected to them.
Photo credit: © Pexels/Văn Thắng
