Why Godly Marriages Need Openness and Accountability
"I bumped into your wife last week at the business conference. Did she pass along my greetings?" David said to Joe as they shook hands. For a moment, Joe was speechless. In utter confusion, he mumbled some unintelligible words before excusing himself in a huff. He hadn't the slightest clue that his wife had attended a business conference the previous week. "This has to end!" Joe grunted, gritting his teeth. In their ten years of marriage, Joe and Susan had no accountability structures to write home about. Occasionally, his wife would forget to inform him about things he deemed important. This made his blood boil.
Accountability in marriage refers to the willingness of each spouse to openly and honestly accept responsibility for their actions. It is acknowledging that your behavior directly affects your spouse, and you are, therefore, happy to have them examine your life. In marriage, spouses cease being two individuals and become one flesh (Mathew 19:6). That's why it's very unsettling when a spouse stumbles upon information regarding their partner from a third party. When there's no accountability, anything comes and goes.
Biblical Admonition for Accountability
One thing is sure—we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ and give an account of our lives (Romans 14:10-12). Paul implores us to live circumspectly, making good use of every opportunity (Ephesians 5: 15-16). But is our accountability limited to God? Should spouses bother seeking accountability from each other? Scriptures abound with the admonition for spouses to be answerable to one another.
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)
In the Scripture above, King Solomon points out that marriage is a beneficial institution with many perks (including keeping each other warm on frigid nights). On the other hand, he points out that marriage also involves accountability. If one spouse falls, their partner should be the first to hoist them up. This means that spouses should have free access to each other's lives. Your spouse should be able to tell when you are tripping. There should be no secrets or grey areas. They should also have the liberty to redirect you.
"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." (Proverbs 27:17). This Scripture also permits couples to challenge and improve each other.
"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord…Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. “(Ephesians 5: 21,22, 25)
Paul starts with instructions for believers to submit to one another. This shows that accountability is for all, men and women alike. He then stipulates how spouses ought to relate, leaving no room for lack of accountability. Wives are to respect their husbands as they would the Lord. This means they are open to their husband's scrutiny and direction. Husbands are to love their wives so intensely that they would die for them. They will go to any length to make their wives feel loved and secure. This includes complete openness and honesty with them. Their leadership position in the family does not make them shun accountability to their wives.
"Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3). A marriage cannot be successful unless spouses agree to steer it in a specific direction. For this to happen, there has to be openness and accountability.
Where should my spouse and I start in our quest for accountability? You may ask. Here are several key areas:
Relationships with Others
Couples should have boundaries while relating to others, including relatives, co-workers, churchmates, people they have dated before, etc. Any relationship that threatens to lure any of the partners into emotional or sexual infidelity should be declared and discussed.
Spouses should be honest and open about interactions with members of the opposite sex, even when the interactions appear harmless. Above all, spouses should remember that their marriage relationship comes before any other and that its sanctity should be preserved at all costs. Paul reminds us that marriage is to be held in honor among all and the bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4).
Decision-Making
Nobody wants to wake up and find a new car in the garage without their spouse informing them, let alone consulting them (unless it's a surprise gift). Couples should be on the same page before implementing changes from seemingly trivial decisions like inviting friends for dinner to life-changing ones like changing jobs. There ought to be open and honest communication before decisions are made. Each spouse should be free to give their opinion. Mutual respect should be upheld in the process.
Daily Schedules
Let your spouse know what your schedule looks like on any given day—having an excessively busy week at work? Let them know. This inspires trust and helps them support and pray for you more accurately. It also helps them manage their expectations. Furthermore, checking in regularly with each other during the day fosters unity and strengthens your marriage bond.
Spiritual Accountability
Granted, there's a thin line between policing your spouse's spiritual walk and keeping each other accountable. Here, we are not talking about pestering your spouse to pray or read God's word more, all the while using yourself as the yardstick. Far from it! Policing your spouse's spiritual walk is outrightly rude and demeaning. However, this doesn't mean you cannot check how your partner is doing in their spiritual walk. This should be done respectfully and not in a condescending manner. One brilliant way of going around it is by taking time to pray and read God's Word together. You can also share regularly what God is teaching each of you.
Apostle Paul encourages us to teach and admonish one another with Psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing with grace in our hearts to the Lord (Colossians 3:16). It is okay to share Psalms and spiritual songs with others, but have you shared with your spouse first? Do they know which hymn is throbbing in your spirit? Besides, nurturing spiritual intimacy with your spouse helps you put God first in your marriage.
Finances
It's been said that many people get married, but their money remains single. Little wonder that financial troubles rank among the top causes of separation and divorce. It's important that spouses be on the same page on how to spend their money. Each should be honest about their financial gains. No secret bank accounts should be kept. Couples should take time to regularly discuss their debts, expenses, savings, and budget.
Individual and Shared Goals
"Therefore, I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air." (1 Corinthians 9:26)
Your marriage needs a roadmap in the form of goals to get you where you both envision. This includes both personal and shared goals. Each spouse should have a set of personal goals to aid their growth and development. Pursuing individual goals leads to personal fulfillment, which in turn leads to a happier marriage. There's no better person to hold you accountable in this than your spouse. Share your personal goals and support each other in fulfilling them. Show a keen interest in your partner's progress and cheer them on.
Additionally, it is critical to set shared goals with your spouse. They help bring purpose and intentionality into your marriage and spell out your shared future. They also enhance intimacy and improve communication. Your marriage should be bursting forth with productivity since two are better than one. Goals will help you define the areas of productivity you are shooting for. Examples of shared goals in marriage include financial goals, intimacy goals, family goals, etc.
Related Resource: 5 Key Strategies for Teamwork in Marriage
In this episode of Team Us, Ted and I share five of our favorite strategies for teamwork in marriage. So, if you and your spouse are feeling out of synch lately, don’t miss this conversation! If this episode helps your marriage, be sure to follow Team Us on Apple or Spotify so you never miss an episode.
Originally published June 24, 2025.
