Christian Parenting and Family Resources with Biblical Principles

Get on the Same Parenting Page

Get on the Same Parenting Page

So much marital stress is caused because the husband and wife are not on the same page in the way they deal with their children. One way our marriage has been protected is through the “Learner and Leader” day we do each fall. Years ago, when Bill was a youth pastor and Brock was a baby, I looked around the youth group and then looked at this precious baby in my arms and prayed, “Lord, there seem to be kids that soar and succeed at 18 and others that stumble and fall” What traits, what skills, what leadership character qualities do we need to train and pass on so that our sons can soar by age 18? Then I set about creating along list of traits and skills (the list -and many other tools- are in our book: 10 Best Decisions Every Parent Can Make). 

The list seemed so long that I was a bit overwhelmed so I showed the list to Bill and he said, “Pam, seems like there are really three main categories here. We want our kids to be:

1. Learners—have a teachable attitude

2. Leaders- be influencers in their own unique God given style instead of followers

3. Love God—we want them to own their own faith.” 

We prayed and I asked God to show a fun way to instill the values (because kids respond to fun!) So we decided to have a Learner and Leader Day each fall and on that day we’d negotiate privileges and responsibilities for the year. (We’ve done this now for over 20 years!) We also select one trait off the list and focus on training and equipping in that area for that particular child that year. And we select a verse to pray over that child which had something to do with the trait we have selected (as the kids entered second grade we taught them how to select their own verse). Then we give a gift (because we wanted it to fee like Christmas!). The gift would be one that would build into their God given passion or calling as the Lord was revealing their strengths year by year.  

We have a set of criteria in choosing the gift: 

It must be practical, something I might have to buy anyway. 

It must be personal. The child should be able to tell I thought about the gift. 

It must be prophetic, meaning that it speaks the truth about the uniqueness, the calling, or the strength we see God building into each child. 

The Learner and Leader privileges and responsibilities chart is also in our book, along with other tools like a list of what children can be responsible for at what ages (chore ideas), plus a teen relationship contract, driving contract, education contract, and a set of  Freshman Foundation questions to use with college students or career age young adults. We have our children sign the contracts, and included in each are the consequences they will receive if they do not follow through with their commitment. As the children get older (early in elementary school),  we have them create their own consequences ahead of time so they know exactly what their punishment will be if they drop the ball on their commitments. 

By spelling everything out ahead of time, year after year, and having everyone sign off on it (both parents and the children), there is little arguing in our home and the children have never been able to “play one parent against the other” in our home, thus protecting our marital harmony as well. And because there is a built in relationship time, a fun family activity on Learner and Leader Day, the kids have always been motivated to complete the small yearly assignment (the chart), and because it also has a built in incentive plan (the Learner and Leader gift that applauds the child’s unique strengths), the child is easier to live with all year! The less child-created stress a marriage has, the more everyone enjoys being in the family. And because we delegate work to our children as they grow, Mom and Dad actually have time to date and stay in love—which is the best gift that any set of parents can give their children. And because we are deliberately trying to help our children/ teens take on more and more responsibility year after year, by college (or for sure age 21), our children and yours have the opportunity to be leaders owning their own lives and leading others in a positive way!  Having responsible adult children is also a great blessing to your marriage! (And your future in laws will thank you too!) 

So this year, before you run to the store for new school clothes and pencils, pens, notebooks, backpacks and lunchboxes, take time to hold your own Learner and Leader Day , or if you have college kids, set aside 5 nights to go over the Frosh Foundation /dinner and dialogue questions, and maybe this year, you might even get in a few dates to stay in love! 

Bill and Pam Farrel are international speakers, authors of over 35 books including 10 Best Decisions Every Parent Can Make, Got Teens?, 10 Best Decisions a Graduate Can Make and others. These books and resources mentioned in this article can be found at 

Publication date: September 28, 2012