Grandparenting Children of Divorce

Full disclosure: I was divorced when my daughter was three years old and remarried when she was seven. I've seen firsthand how it affected her and my stepchildren, even though we were trying to create the perfect, happy Christian home for them. We made so many attempts to redeem what I realized years later was my sin, and though my daughter is now nearly 30, she is still greatly affected by her parent's divorce (and she tells me very often).

Now that I am a grandmother to a grandchild whose parents have divorced, I would like to help grandparents by sharing things that I have experienced and wisdom that has been born of adversity. In and through it all, God has shown more love and compassion than we could ever have imagined.

Make Sure Both Parents Know You Love Them

We are called to love and forgive others whether we agree with them or not. It takes much effort to do so, but when we consider all that God has forgiven of us, it empowers us to love those who seem unlovable. Make sure that your grandchildren see this love in whatever form possible.

Reinforce To Your Grandchildren That This Is Not Their Fault

There is likely enough stress in this situation without children feeling as if they have caused it. Explain that this is all about their parents' relationship and not a measure of the child's value or their parents' love for them.

Make Your Home a Sanctuary

Likely your grandchild's living arrangement has changed, and thus they are experiencing a shift in their sense of normalcy and routine. As much as the parents will allow, make your home a place where you can share the love of Christ with your grandchild and offer stability. My daughter has always been very sensitive to the feeling of "home," and I've seen this at play with my grandchild as well - certain smells, sights, and sounds, in addition to possessions, can make or break that feeling of calm.

Pray With Your Grandchildren Beyond Saying Grace   

Even if your grandkids don't share your faith, make sure you pray over them and pray for their parents with them. Even if they don't understand what prayer does, the Holy Spirit will act in their hearts. You may be the only example of a praying family that they experience - and if not, you will at least show them that prayer is the correct response when things go awry.

Know the Logistics

Even if you rarely see your grandchildren, details regarding communication, visitation, school, and medical care that were part of the divorce proceedings are important things for you to know. Get as much information as you can and ensure you abide by them (unless it would harm the child and you choose to help your child get more protection from another legal agreement).

Major in the Majors

There may be things that one parent does that really bother you, but pray and consider if you should do something about them. One parent was allowing my granddaughter to watch scary things on TV because it was believed it would make her fearless. It had the opposite effect, and we had to advocate for her in this regard.

Be Careful What You Tell the Parents about the Child

How will a parent react when you tell them something about the child (like the above example)? Will it come back on the child so that they feel there is no security, even in the grandparents? Find a clever way to address those kinds of issues and say it's something you've noticed, not something the child has said.

What Does God Think?

Tell your grandchildren that God loves them as much as possible, and the present situation doesn't change that. At some point, make sure they know that this hurts because it's not God's ideal. Make sure what you talk about is always age-appropriate, but even young kids need to hear that God is sovereign and is carrying them.

Try to Be as Involved as Possible

Can you offer more babysitting or sleepovers? Can you hang out more with your teenage grandchildren? Do they participate in sports or other activities that you can attend or provide transportation for? This will give you more opportunities to provide stability for them.

Give Them a Chance To Share Their Feelings

When it comes to divorce, feelings are all over the place and can look very different than you expect. Your little granddaughter may start being belligerent because she's very scared, which helps her feel in control. Try to talk to them about their feelings without allowing them to act inappropriately. This is something great to bring before the Lord together in prayer as well.

Also, encourage them to be talking things out with their parents. Pray that their parents will be appropriate and loving in their responses, knowing that the child is "half of" the other parent as well.

Don't Speak Ill of The Parents

As much as you have feelings all over the place, don't speak ill of one parent over another. Listen to the child if there is a problem, but resist the urge to allow them to bad-mouth their parents. Talk about appropriate respect for parents despite feelings.    

Be Aware of the Significance of Same-Gender and Opposite-Gender Nurturing

Are the parents divorced and dad is gone? Ensure the children have access to Grandpa, uncles, and men you trust who love the Lord. While these men are substitutes for dad, they can have an amazing impression on the life of the child. Same with Grandma if the mom is not really involved with her children.

Make Sure That Kids You Are There for Them

Again, this is a very scary and confusing time for kids. As much as possible, let them know that you are on their side and that you will do whatever you can for them. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom and strength to know what that help should and shouldn't look like.

Advice From My Daughter

As someone who has been there, I asked my daughter to read this and see if there is anything that I missed. "Realize that transitions are tough. You may need to give the child some time to be alone when they get to your house," she said. "Also, don't put the burden on the child to remember to bring things back and forth between houses–including information about birthday parties, school needs, etc." And finally, "If the child gets upset about something, you may have hit a nerve that has something to do specifically with mom or dad. VALIDATE their feelings and don't gloss over it or tell them it's silly to think or feel that way."

Above all, be in God's word and continually ask the Holy Spirit to comfort these kids and lead them to Jesus. It may be the most painful time in their lives, but it may also be an opportunity for you to show them how to look for ways that God is carrying them and big and little ways that He is working all things together for good and His glory.