How to Help Grandkids Manage Their Anger

Remember that younger children simply do not know what to do with a big emotion like anger. The result is often hitting, pushing, screaming, or even biting another child or caregiver. Explain to your grandchild that anger is a normal emotion but one they must learn how to manage.

Help children identify the emotion they are experiencing. Putting a name on that emotion is the starting place for learning how to deal with it.

Assure the child that you understand why they might be angry. Their anger may be in response to a new rule or to correct a wrong behavior. Or maybe they were mistreated by a friend or even an enemy.

Help your grandchildren learn a few ways to cool down. Take a few deep breaths in through the nose and hold it while counting to 5. Then slowly exhale through the mouth while counting to 5. Older children can learn a valuable tool they will use for the rest of their lives. Hand them a piece of paper and a pencil. Have them write down how they feel and what they think triggered their anger. Then tear up the paper and let those emotions go.

I have been known to have that child sing "Let it Go" from the movie, Frozen. They usually end up hysterically laughing at my version of the song. (I like to ham it up for their benefit.) Another important life lesson is that humor is an excellent tool for dealing with anger - and many other emotions.

If that doesn't work, send them outside to play. Any physical activity will help them control their anger. Unresolved anger is often the root of depression, something I have experienced in my struggle with clinical depression. A counselor once told me to either buy a boxing bag or double up my fists and hit my bed until I was breathing hard and sweating. I know that sounds strange, but it worked, and it will work with your grandchildren as well.

Dealing with anger is a great opportunity to teach your grandchildren the importance of choices. Grandchildren of all ages understand this approach.

Who or what made you angry? What one good choice could you have made? What good thing could you have done to diffuse the anger you felt? What does your response to anger tell you about how to handle it when it happens again?

Help your grandchildren learn how to talk about what they feel when angry. I had that conversation with one of my grandchildren several years ago, but I still remember his response. "Mimi, I just couldn't help it. My stomach and head felt like they were going to explode. I couldn't breathe. It was awful!" I could totally relate. He was so surprised when I told him I have felt the same way when I am angry.

Make sure your grandchildren have a healthy diet and get plenty of sleep. I am so guilty of wanting to have every sweet treat for my grandkids, but I have learned just how much a poor diet and lack of sleep impact their behavior and often lead to anger. The same is true when they stay up too late at Mimi's and Papa's house. Rest, and fewer sweets make for happier grandchildren.

Limit the amount of time your grandchildren are exposed to violence on TV, on the internet, or in electronic games. Our daughter is a wonderful mom who has taught me so much about this subject. She has two amazing sons! Both boys love playing video games, but Danna has a parent guard on everything they play – and I do mean everything. She sets a timer to limit the time they play on their Switch or any electronic game. She and her husband are both diligent about how much screen time they get. She has researched the effects these games have on children's minds and discovered that playing electronic games can create the same response as using Cocaine. "Mom, I can literally watch them and see when they are starting to melt down. I lock them away weeks at a time. We now reserve them for travel time or special occasions." I don't want to mess with her rules. When I am staying with her sons, the same rules apply.

Help your grandchildren handle stress by listening to soothing music, exercising, or playing with a pet. Our son and his family live on two acres of beautiful land. They have five cats, two dogs, one snake, and 15 chickens. Our son tells me that when his kids are stressed out, he sends them to take care of the animals. They play fetch with the dogs, feed the chickens while checking for eggs, and carry the cats around like babies. Now the snake - not so much! Our son says the kids come back much calmer – the anger gone.

Be sure to pray with and for your grandchildren, asking God to help them control their anger. And while you're at it, pray the same prayer for yourself. The more you pray with your children, the stronger their faith in God grows. Also, encourage your grandchild to pray for the person with whom they are angry. I know that is a stretch, but it is simply the right thing to do. Scripture is very clear on the subject when Luke tells us in Luke 6:28, "Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you." Asking them to pray for anyone that has hurt them opens the door for a powerful life lesson. Forgiveness is not about feelings. Forgiveness is a choice. When we choose to pray for the person who hurt us, we set ourselves free. The feelings of forgiveness may or may not come eventually, but God always honors the obedience behind the prayer.

Demonstrate anger management in your own life and diligently guard the emotional setting of your home. Sooner or later, your grandchildren will see you angry, and believe me when I say that their eyes will be on you, and they will hear every word you say and how you say it. That's where the pause button comes in. Take 1 or 2 deep breaths before responding in any way. While you are breathing, pray!

Anger is an emotional warning light, alerting us that something is wrong. We may be hurt or frustrated, rejected, or wronged. Simply put, something has changed, and we do not like it! In Ephesians 4:26 (NIV), we find Paul's simple but very clear directive concerning anger, "In your anger, do not sin." (NIV) Paul is saying God created us with the capacity for anger. Therefore, anger itself is not sin. It is an invitation to sin. The challenge is to learn how to express anger correctly, harnessing and molding it into a tool for good instead of allowing it to imprison its victim.

Our world is an angry place, but anger itself is not sin. Our grandchildren have and will continue to face angry people and have to deal with their own anger issues. I want to help them learn how to harness and use their anger for good.

Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.