How to Parent in a Sex Positive World
- Annie Yorty Crosswalk Contributing Writer
- Published Dec 21, 2022
The headline and fresh smiling face caught my eye as my screen scrolled through the day's news: "Archuleta on Stepping Back from Mormon Church After Coming Out as Queer: 'I feel liberated.'" Former American Idol star David Archuleta also went on The Jennifer Hudson Show to explain his newfound "liberation." He said he prayed to God to take away his queer desires, but he thinks God said He created him that way. "I have been learning how to love myself," he said. Wild applause from the audience almost drowned out the response from the show's host.
"That's the important thing," Jennifer Hudson declared to additional clapping.1
But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, slanderers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy. (2 Timothy 3:1-2 NASB)
Other signs of the times hit closer to home.
Teen pop stars, now grown up, peddle sex positivity to our youth. In Time Magazine, Raisa Bruner explains Ariana Grande's influence on your children with one of her popular music videos:
From a casual laundromat encounter to some steamy action on a public bus, Grande and Future make a statement about normalizing all kinds of pairings. While other onlookers in the video seem a little shocked by the taboos getting broken—sometimes very close to their faces—Grande cheerleads for the bold expressions of love (or, at least, lust). She's been an advocate for a sex-positive attitude for some time now, and this video takes the message to the next level.2
From the halls of education to social media, today's influencers push sex-positivity norms. They saturate our teens' brains and hearts like spilled water fills a sponge. So what's the problem with sex positivity, you ask? It sounds so...positive.
Sex-positive means possessing an open and nonjudgmental attitude toward any kind of sensual pleasure. Advocates say humans, including children, are sexual beings who deserve to awaken and gratify any physical desire. The exploration of all possibilities is considered healthy, normal, and beneficial and should not be bounded by archaic morality.
You can probably guess the other side of that definition is sex negativity. Sex negativity is the belief that human sexuality should be confined to one lifelong partner within the bounds of marriage. The insidious word "negative" worms its way into children's psyche through every kind of media. No one wants to be labeled as negative.
Advertisers used to say, "Sex sells products." The generation parenting teens today grew desensitized to sexuality displayed in every advertisement. We naively miss warnings that culture has changed, moving well beyond sex as the lure to sex as the product.
Parents, your kids are falling hard for that product.
I recently listened to a sermon about God's design for sex with some teen girls. They squirmed in their seats, studiously stared at their phone screens, and giggled nervously as the pastor shared truth from God's Word—all completely G rated. Afterward, they joked about being traumatized by the message.
These same teens consume without batting an eyelash their media idols' books, music, and videos that spew every type of explicit sexual perversion. They buy the sex-positive hype that sex is merely a physical act that can be explored without bodily and spiritual repercussions. They believe that any boundaries placed around physical gratification—parents' and even God's limits—are negative.
Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! (Isaiah 5:20 NASB)
What's a parent to do to combat the media Goliath that taunts them as it runs rampant over the minds and hearts of children?
They should PARENT with courage. That means they protect and prepare their children by intentionally confronting the upside-down lies of culture. Passivity in the face of this pernicious attack on truth risks bringing woe to our families.
P-A-R-E-N-T
Perceive the Threat
We must always acknowledge and understand a problem before effectively confronting and conquering it. Watching and listening to the media your kids consume takes time, effort, and ingenuity. Technology and innovation in products marketed to children conspire to make it difficult for busy parents to monitor.
Read the lyrics to songs. Watch the teen (and younger) shows with an eye on the worldview messages slipped between silly antics, catchy animation, or upbeat songs. Listen when your teen talks about celebrities they admire: research their products, media, and entertainment news.
Understand and acknowledge that these influencers relentlessly barrage your children with slick packaging of sex-positivity to turn them away from you and your values. The danger is clear and present. God expects you to protect and guide your children with His help.
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13 NLT)
Assess Your Child's Involvement
Your research and observations will give you some idea of how steeped your child is in sex-positive culture. Frank conversations will show you more about the ideas she's already integrated into her mind and spirit. Do more listening than talking to discover her depth of involvement. Ask questions to probe her thoughts and reasoning.
If your child has a cell phone, you can also review the history of social media, music playlists, streaming shows, and interactive games. If you have not given your child a phone, be aware that your child may still consume media at school or on a friend's device.
Restrict Access to the Negative Influence
Adults should consider cell phones to be tools more than entertainment. Even when we enjoy entertainment on our phones, we are, theoretically at least, able to maturely balance the time we spend.
On the other hand, children are ill-equipped to use a phone as a tool properly. By some reports, young children with cell phones spend an average of six to nine hours per day on screens. Yet they cannot developmentally discern between valid and invalid messages they receive. They simply believe what they see as truth.
If your research led you to believe that your children are soaking in the bathtub of sexual corruption through their phones, make the hard decision to remove or restrict the phone even if every other kid in the world has a phone. Even if there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. No child has died from the lack of a cell phone, but many people have died from ignoring God's design for sex. Many more have been critically wounded.
Flee sexual immorality. Every other sin that a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18-19 NASB)
Removing a phone will not insulate your child from the culture because they connect with its messages through many access points, including school, clubs, sports, and friends. Waiting for more maturity, though, will reduce the soaking to an occasional shower.
If you prayerfully decide to allow your older child to utilize a cell phone, teach him how to use it as a tool rather than an entertainment device. Calendar apps assist in time management. School assignments can often be completed using phones. The internet provides helpful information.
Restrict access to video streaming and social media apps until your teen demonstrates the cognitive maturity to differentiate between fantasy and reality and to choose appropriate viewing material. Ideally, you can begin to open the spigot of access while your kids are still under your influence, but they may not be ready until they reach adulthood.
Educate
Contrary to popular understanding, God is not against sex. God designed sex to be a vital and enjoyable part of the relationship between husband and wife. In His Word, He speaks about the benefits of sex within the bounds of His design. He also warns of veering outside that designated area.
Today, celebrity icons teach our children that sex is a physical act and there is no connection between sex, mind, emotions, and spirit. This is one of the biggest lies told by cultures since the beginning of time.
Our children also learn about sex positivity in school. Sex education began years ago as basic facts about biology and procreation. Now some educators believe children must learn about a buffet of sexual expressions. They claim it's best to allow children to taste everything under the guise of "informed choice." But we know that the buffet results in gluttony and harmful self-indulgence for all but the most self-disciplined.
Parents need to counteract the world's so-called wisdom, so our children know that their bodies are not commodities to be exploited for pleasure. Sins against our bodies affect our entire being.
Not only should we teach our children God's standard, but we also must explain the reasons for the standard. We are well past the days when "Don't do it!" will suffice (if ever those days existed). The fancy term for this is apologetics.
If you haven't learned much about apologetics for God's design of marriage, family, and sex, it's time to begin. There are many books and websites to aid in your understanding, but I have links for three to get you started. If your children are older, why not search for answers together?
Network
Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor; for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NASB)
Sometimes we will be the lone parent standing against the wave of culture threatening to drown our children. Pray that God blesses you with like-minded friends who will offer support to stand strong. If you don't have connections, start looking within your church family. Even there, it is sometimes difficult to find those with the same convictions. Perhaps God is calling you to lead the way.
Talk with your children often.
We should expect our children to be curious about what is on the other side of the Christian fence. They will naturally gravitate toward the slick packaging of sex-positivity, but they often struggle to articulate their reasoning.
As parents, we should seize many opportunities to dialogue (not sermonize) with our children about culture's attraction. If they have a wrong understanding, use questions to allow them to reason through facts and their underlying biases. Gently consider together how truth from the Bible applies to sex-positive attitudes. Strongly affirm any inclination they exhibit to hold fast to God's standards.
Trust God with Your Children
Does the awesome responsibility of parenting in today's immoral muck fill you with worry and stress? That might signify that you're trying to drag your children into the kingdom of God by your apron strings. But saving our children is not our job. Yes, we do our part, but God's Spirit will work in our children for the results.
Our enemy, Satan, wages war against our children through cultural influencers. But do not fear! We have a God-given and God-equipped mandate to be the loudest influencer in our children's lives.
Pray daily for God's help to PARENT your children to instill biblical values about sex. Then take heart, knowing that the outcome of your lifelong work always remains in God's capable hands.
Notes:
1https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkNez93YNh4
2https://time.com/4684270/ariana-grande-future-everyday-video/
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/gradyreese
