When Character is Neglected

Her face looked haggard and she had aged ten years, it seemed, in the months since I last saw her.

I knew "Joanna" through friends. Although was saw each other infrequently, we enjoyed sharing with each other the highs and lows of our lives and our children. This time, she looked so awful that it was clear something was not right.

It was her son.

A bright child and budding hockey star, Ben had every advantage to ensure success:  tutors, lessons, camps, and travel sports. Trophies and school awards dotted the family room at home. But busy childhood spun into a turbulent adolescence, made worse by an absent dad (traveling on business for weeks at a time) and intense pressures on Joanna.

The past eight months, Joanna said, Ben's problems grew faster than a rolling snowball on a downhill slope. Emotional problems, drugs, theft, and now the prospect of juvenile detention. It was every parent's nightmare. And, as her problems tumbled out, Joanna confessed how guilty she felt.

Although both parents had made important changes in the past few months—less work, more family time, a return to church, and a deeper commitment to their children, she worried that it was too late for Ben.

I couldn't help but think of Joanna as I watched the recent media hubbub surrounding "Tiger Mom" Amy Chua and her Chinese recipe for successful parenting. (Relying on tight control of the youngster's time, the Tiger Mom parenting approach encouraged parents to demand more of their children if they hoped to ensure success---which, for Amy, meant academic and musical success.)

So much of the conversation about Tiger Mom--in parenting blogs and columns—focused on her style of parenting: strict and demanding. Critics argued back and forth on the merits of laissez-faire parenting versus Chinese-style control. But, with Joanna's situation weighing on my heart, I couldn't help but think how they were missing the point.

How to Save Your Family: Tending Hearts and Training Character

No matter how successful our children are—in terms of the arts, sports, and academic achievement—it matters little if we've failed to set their moral compass for life. Good character is a greater measure of our child's success than all the awards and honors that decorate their walls. And training our children up in virtue is a daily task more taxing than nagging about piano practice, driving the carpool, or paying the babysitter.

It's also more rewarding.

The most effective character training is rooted in a strong parent-child relationship. So take stock of your relationships and work to improve them, even as you take steps to strengthen your child's character.

Character training is not a mystery! It's been part of the "job" of parenting forever; helpful resources abound.  For starters, check out Focus on the Family's "Character Crew," which focuses on specific virtues in separate lessons, providing guidance for you and activities for your children.

The now-classic Book of Virtues offers character-related and inspiring stories for read-alouds and Dr. Kevin Leman's book, Have a New Kid By Friday, gives parents concrete, short-term solutions to character-related problems.

Fortunately for Joanna—and for her son—God's mercy is bigger than our problems.

Repentant spirits and humble hearts help us discover that He can bring great good out of the most dire situations. For Joanna's family, the real goals of parenting have finally pulled into focus. With hard work and prayer, they can hope for the best.

February 9, 2011

Rebecca outlines her vision for parenting in 30 Ways in 30 Days to Save Your Family.

(c) 2010 Rebecca Hagelin  www.howtosaveyourfamily.com.