6 Myths about Blended Families
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- Updated Dec 18, 2023
From the outside, many blended families look like they have it all together. They are a loving couple, stepchildren who adore each other, and seemingly no struggles beyond expected sibling rivalry. But this is usually different. Behind the smiles are complex dynamics that are being dealt with daily.
Our family had a rocky start. I had recently been widowed after thirteen years of marriage and two children, and my husband had just come out of a divorce with one child. We had the odds stacked against us. The rate of divorce for a second marriage is typically 67%. This statistic is an astounding number that we knew was there but were fully confident we would make it work.
We gained wisdom from our pastor and marriage counselors before the big day to prepare us for what was ahead. We read the book Smart Stepfamilies by Ron L. Deal. He states in the book that it takes an average of seven years for a stepfamily to feel connected. We didn't want to be naive, but we never thought it would take that long for us to blend well.
We were wrong. We are now in year nine of our stepfamily, and yes, things have gotten easier; we are more used to each other, but there are challenges that we face that will most likely never go away.
There are several myths about blended families. If you are considering stepping into the stepparent role and combining family life, it is wise to get all the facts. It is not an easy life, but it can be blessed if we put our hope in Jesus.
Here are some common myths of blended family life combated with truth:
1. Myth: Blended families struggle more than traditional families.
Truth: Blended families have unique challenges, but traditional families have many difficulties. If God is in the center and everything is led by prayer, God can help you navigate any family, blended or not.
2. Myths: Blended families aren't as close.
Truth: It takes more work and intentionality, but blended families have the same ability to be close; it may look different.
3. Myth: Love is instant between stepchild and stepparent.
Truth: When a baby is born, they are chemically bonded to their parents. This bond gives the biological parents an instinct and closeness that allows them to love their child in the most intimate way possible. Stepparents do not naturally have this bond; they have to create it. It doesn't come as naturally some days, and I have to battle with myself to keep calm or not be too hard on my stepson. I see the same with my husband. He tends to be harder on my boys than his own, and I know that stems from the fact that he is not their biological father. Step-parenting is hard work; some days, it can be overwhelming. We have had moments of disagreement in our family where the line starts to be drawn between my boys and me and my husband and his son. Our awareness of the growing division and how ugly it feels under our skin has kept those divisions at bay. We sink away from those chasms of discord and seek reconciliation and forgiveness. It is challenging and yucky, but we know God wants our family to unite in Him.
4. Myth: Stepmothers are mean.
Truth: This is a Disney cliche, but I had to throw it in. Stepmothers, by the grace of God, can be just as loving and caring as biological mothers. It may take more effort in certain areas, but a child can get beautiful love and care from a woman who gave birth to them.
5. Myth: Blended families are more accessible if a parent dies.
Truth: Nope. Sure, we don't have to deal with another parent in our daily lives, but it comes with the cost of raising grieving children. That's a whole other can of worse. I'll open it later.
6. Myth: Kids come before marriage.
Truth: This applies to all families. It is more natural to believe that the needs of our children should come first, but that is not always the case. God needs to be the center, and then the marriage relationship needs to be nurtured and maintained to create a solid foundation for the family.
My main encouragement for a new stepfamily is not to let hurt, resentment, irritation, annoyance, or bitterness take root in your heart. It can be easy, especially as a stepmom, to find yourself being compared to the biological mom. In my husband's case, he may feel less than compared to the seeming perfection of the deceased father. This is where we allow the Holy Spirit to lead, guide, and convict us when we allow negative patterns to penetrate our lives and actions.
Being a blended family is a challenging dynamic but can be beautiful and abounding in love if we learn how to put Christ in the center and reach out to the Lord for all the difficult circumstances that will come our way.
Heidi Vegh is a writer, speaker, and ministry leader living in Western Washington. She is a remarried mother of four, navigating the blended family life after the loss of her first husband to cancer in 2013. She longs to use her writing as a way to encourage others who have experienced loss and guide them on the road to healing. She contributes to her blog found at www.mrsheidivegh.com , sharing stories and devotionals of faith stemming from her loss and healing, mothering, and her blended and complex family. She graduated from Southern New Hampshire University with a degree in Creative Writing and English and is working on her first book. Heidi is the Women’s Ministry Director at her local church and has a deep heart for sharing Jesus with women and encouraging them in their faith walk. When she is not writing, she loves to travel, read, craft, and experiment in the kitchen. Visit her Facebook and Instagram (@mrsheidivegh) to learn more.
