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Boyfriend's Not a Christian, But He Loves My Kids

  • Chuck Snyder Author, husband, father, and relationship expert
  • Updated Jun 26, 2012
Boyfriend's Not a Christian, But He Loves My Kids

I have been a Christian for two years. When I first chose to follow Christ I was able to abstain from sex. I have since then fallen in love with a semi-believer and have engaged in sex with him for fear of losing him. About a week ago I had a call from my stepmother who never talks to me unless she has to. She never has just called to talk. She told me that God put it on her heart to tell me that I don't have to sacrifice myself or my beliefs to keep a man.

That conversation has been in my head and I finally told my boyfriend that I will not have sex with him again until we are married in June of 2001. He thinks that I am up to something or have cheated on him or what-have-you. Is this a sign that he is not the man for me? I have three children by three different men and feel as though it would be hard for a man to love me if this doesn't work out. He loves my children and that is hard to come by. I don't want to be left alone in this world. I feel like I should have a mate, I yearn for one, for him. There are not a lot of Christian men who want a ready-made family.

Should I just accept the fact that I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life and try to get over it and let my boyfriend go? We are not speaking right now, since I have made him aware of my decision. I guess anybody in their right mind would conclude that he never loved me in the first place. What do you think, and what should I do?

Chuck's Response:
Thanks for the note about your boyfriend and your situation. I think the question I would pose is, what is your concept of God? Is He a little Santa Claus sitting on a cloud somewhere playing a harp watching the world go to hell and not being able to do much about it and not really concerned whether people pay much attention to His principles?

As for me, my God is the Person Who spoke the UNIVERSE into existence out of nothing. He knows the future like I know the past. He has changed my life in so many ways, I want to be in strict obedience to His principles. Not out of fear of what He might do to me if I don't, but out of an unspeakable awe and gratitude that He has allowed me to be a part of His heavenly family, and gave Himself to die for my sins, and is now preparing an unimaginable mansion for me in heaven.

Sorry to be so abrupt, but you would be in effect telling God to go to hell when you plan on doing something you KNOW is against what He wants for you. Your God must be terribly weak not to be able to bring someone into your life to be your completer and your children's father. Even though you know you should not marry a non-Christian you are going to do it anyway. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you are playing with fire. No wonder God is not blessing you. How could He do that when you are shaking your fist at Him?

Get rid of your non-Christian boyfriend who is taking advantage of you, and get on your knees before God and maybe say something like this ... "Dear God, I feel so badly about committing adultery with my boyfriend. I know You hate that, and I have offended You terribly. Would You forgive me please? I really do want to be obedient to Your principles. I want to prove to You that I appreciate everything you have done for me. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me and help me be the daughter You can be proud of. I want a completer so badly. Would you help me find the right one, please? I'm so lonely. On the other hand if it is Your perfect will that I be single the rest of my life that's OK too. It would not be my desire, but I love you more than I hate my circumstances, and I put myself squarely in Your hands of love. Thanks so much for Your Son, Jesus Christ, and I pray to You in His name. Amen"

I know that it doesn't feel good to tell God you would be single the rest of your life, but I think you want to do His will. Being single is very RARE, however. He wants most people to be completed. If you break up with your boyfriend, let me know, and I'll give you some thoughts on how to meet the REAL Mr. Right. I feel so sorry for you. I wish I could give you a big old grandfatherly hug. The following scripture has helped during tough times.

"And in the same way -- by our faith -- the Holy Spirit helps us with our daily problems and in our praying. For we don't even know what we should pray for nor how to pray as we should, but the Holy Spirit prays for us with such feeling that it cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows, of course, what the Spirit is saying as he pleads for us in harmony with God's own will. And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans." Romans 8:26-28 (Living)

God never promised He would get us OUT of problems. He just promised us His strength to go THROUGH them. You are in an IMPOSSIBLE situation, but my God is the GOD of the impossible, and I'm praying that He will make Himself very real to you right now. I'm as close as your email if you want to talk further.

With God's Love,
Chuck Snyder

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Originally published April 9, 2001