What Should Parents Do if They Disapprove of Their Child’s Significant Other?
Every parent dreams of their child growing up and meeting the love of their life. They often fantasize about their child having a loving spouse and at least one or two grandchildren. Then the teenage years hit, and chances are, you may not like the person they are dating. You may not even like the person your adult child is dating. So, what should parents do if they disapprove of their child’s significant other?
Understanding the Roots of Parental Concerns
First, let’s start with understanding the root of your concerns. What is it about this person you don’t like? Do they have different values than you? Are they lying to your child about something? Maybe they have some bad habits you don’t like? Take some time to think about the specific things you don’t like about this person. Some common things parents are concerned about are:
-Not sharing the same values.
-The significant other has bad habits like smoking or drinking, or addictions like drugs, gambling, or pornography.
-Communication issues: They can’t communicate with their child because the significant other is a bad influence, or they can’t communicate with the person their child is with because of different issues.
-Parent-child relationship problems, meaning if you have problems with your relationship with your child, these can affect the significant other as well.
-The significant other influences the child to do things they wouldn’t normally do, like staying out late, drinking, smoking, having sex, etc.
The Importance of Open Communication
Keeping the lines of communication open is crucial for everyone involved in a situation like this. By doing this, you will foster trust and understanding with your child. Some ways to prepare for having a conversation include;
-Prepare for the conversation by understanding the principles to safeguard your child and planning how to approach the conversation.
-Focus on strength by keeping a strength-based mindset and focusing on the positive things in the relationship.
-Use open-ended questions so everyone can express their views and concerns without feeling pressured.
-Try to be patient and don’t get angry. You might find it hard when you are riled up, but try to take a breath and calm down. Being patient and keeping cool shows your child you support them even if you disagree.
-Provide examples when voicing your concerns to illustrate your point. This will help the conversation be more relatable and less intimidating.
Listening to Your Child’s Perspective
One of the most constructive things you can do when you don’t like your child’s significant other is to take the time to understand your child’s feelings and choices. Some ways to do this are:
-Encourage open communication. Set aside time each day to ask your child about their day, how life’s going, and yes, even about their significant other.
-Help them identify their emotions and why they feel this way. Encourage them to journal their emotions if that helps.
-Provide empathy if they are feeling confused or unsure about their relationship.
-Always validate their feelings. Do this without judgment so they feel heard, valued, and understood.
Setting Boundaries Without Alienating
Setting boundaries may sound intimidating, but you can do this without alienating your child. Here are some ways you can express your disapproval while maintaining a healthy relationship with your child. You can say ‘no’ in a way that makes your child feel safe, respected, and heard. Even when you disagree.
-Use empathy as a foundation.
-Communicate clearly and calmly.
-Focus on solutions, not punishing your child for their choices.
-Maintain an open-door policy.
-Reinforce positive behavior.
-Model the behavior you want to see.
-Know when to let go.
Recognizing Potential Biases
Take some time to analyze whether you have any personal biases against your child’s chosen partner. Different biases include:
Cognitive biases: These can include mental shortcuts that can lead to irrational judgements.
Confirmation bias: This occurs when a person looks to information that confirms their existing beliefs and ignores anything that contradicts those beliefs.
Stereotyping: Often rooted in society’s narratives, stereotypes about gender, race, or socio-economic status influence parental expectations or interactions.
Cultural biases: These are shaped by cultural norms and the expectations of society.
Overgeneralization: This happens when people make a sweeping conclusion based on limited experiences.
Ways to Recognize Biases
-Self-reflection: Take time to consider your own beliefs and values and how those things influence your decision making.
-Seek diverse perspectives.
-Engage in open conversations.
-Educate yourself about different biases.
Educating Yourself about Your Child’s Partner
Take some time to step away from your disapproval and educate yourself about your child’s partner.
-Start with open communication. Always ask open-ended questions and listen actively.
-Spend time with your child’s significant other. Invite them over for a family meal or casual hangout.
-Take part in activities together, like hiking or attending a local festival, so you can learn about their interests.
-Observe the relationship dynamics between your child and their significant other. Are they respectful of each other? How do they handle conflict and how does it get resolved?
-Get to know their background by asking about their family and learning about their interests and hobbies.
-Discuss values and future aspirations by talking about life goals and asking about core values.
-Respect boundaries. Ask questions out of curiosity, trying not to sound accusatory so as not to provoke defensiveness. Be mindful of your tone and choice of words.
-If your child’s significant other has an illness, addiction, or something else concerning, instead of freaking out, do your research. Research as much as you can about the issue at hand to educate yourself about the battle they are facing. Knowledge is power and is a positive step in the right direction to understanding your child’s partner better.
When to Intervene and When to Step Back
Although you may not approve of your child’s significant other, most of the time you will have to let them handle their relationship themselves. Still, this doesn’t mean you need to sit back and do nothing if you see something serious going on. There are certain situations where you will need to intervene and others where you will need to step back.
When to Step Back:
-Everyday decision-making.
-Friendships and social dynamics. Your child and their girlfriend/boyfriend are going to hang out with whomever they want to hang out with.
-Responsibilities. They have to work out who is going to do what as far as chores and other everyday life decisions.
-Dealing with setbacks. Your child and their partner have to decide how they are going to react and deal with conflicts, both as a couple and as individuals.
When to Step In:
-When any kind of abuse is going on, including mental, emotional, sexual or physical.
-If your child is being bullied.
-If your child is in college, and their grades are slipping, talk to them.
-You observe new behavioral issues.
-Substance abuse concerns.
-Health and safety issues.
Finding Common Ground
One way to find common ground with your child’s significant other is to understand their perspective. You may even find some common interests as well. Go out to lunch with them or have them over to your house to spend some time with you and to get to know each other better. Do your best to put any biases or pre-conceived notions aside and see what happens. Some ways to do this are:
-Listen actively. Give your child’s significant other your full attention and show genuine interest in their perspective on your child and your family.
-Try to be empathetic and see things from their viewpoint. If they mention any challenges they may have integrating with your family, acknowledge those things.
-Keep the lines of communication open with them and check-in with them once a week to see how things are going. A simple text message will do.
-Create comfortable spaces for informal chats.
-If you find you have shared interests or hobbies, plan on getting together to explore those interests. Go fishing together. Binge-watch a favorite show. Go to a sports game together. Anything that is casual and will help you get to know them in a relaxed way.
-Always respect their boundaries.
Fostering a Supportive Family Environment
Always let your child know you support them, even if you don’t agree with their decisions. In doing so, it’s important to foster a supportive family environment.
-Establish respect and trust.
-Have regular check-ins.
-Set boundaries.
-Show empathy and understanding.
-Discuss what a healthy relationship looks like.
Reflecting on the Long-Term Impact of Disapproval
Even though you may not approve of your child’s significant other, it’s important to consider the long-term impact of that disapproval.
-It can lead to your child having self-worth and self-esteem issues.
-Your child will fear rejection.
-Your relationship will break down because of the issues between you.
-Your child may stay with the person just to spite you.
-Your relationship with your spouse may break down if they wind up liking this person and you don’t.
Instead, try to build a relationship with this person and see things from their eyes for a fresh perspective. Your disapproval is not worth your relationship with your child or family discord.
It can be hard when you don’t approve of your child’s significant other, but having an open mind can help you build a healthier relationship for all involved.
Photo credit: ©GettyImages/skynesher
Originally published August 19, 2025.
