When Should We Not Obey Our Parents?
Ephesians 6:1-3 is one of the most well-known verses on how children should treat their parents. This verse tells us that not only is it their duty for children to honor their parents, but by doing so, God will honor them and allow them to be prosperous in their future: “Children, it is your Christian duty to obey your parents, for this is the right thing to do. ‘Respect your father and mother’ is the first commandment that has a promise added: ‘so that all may go well with you, and you may live a long time in the land.”’
However, this passage is not a blanket verse to be obeyed no matter the environment the parent creates. On the contrary; there are times when children should not obey their parents. Parents are responsible for leading their children. However, if their conduct does not match the character that God wants for them, it is okay for a child not to obey their parents. Here are times when children should not obey their parents:
If the Parent Is an Unbeliever
Today, people often define a Christian as someone who has said a prayer once and has pledged to give their life to the Lord. However, the Bible also commands that we know Christians by their fruit. Galatians 5:22-23 provides us with what fruits we should emulate in our lives as evidence of the Holy Spirit: “But the Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, humility, and self-control. There is no law against such things as these.”
Although no parent is perfect, and grace and mercy need to be extended to them just as much as they are to their children, a parent who says one thing and does another, and whose life does not match the Bible that they claim to believe, should not be obeyed. For example, a person who preaches that a child should be kind and loving to their sibling, yet treats others rudely in public, should not be followed.
Obviously, a parent who claims they don't believe in God should never be followed. Christ wants us to have leaders whose character is worth following. However, simply because a person is a parent doesn't mean that they follow the Lord. A parent who does not follow the Lord does not possess the characteristics of godly character or leadership. In this case, a child should always follow the Lord in their spiritual walk.
If There Is Abuse
Sometimes a parent will use abuse or control to strong-arm their children. Although physical abuse is present in some cases, many times, emotional or mental abuse can also be present. For example, a parent spanks a child in excess while quoting the Bible to them is considered abuse. Not only does the gross misuse of the Bible create confusion among children, but it also increases the chance that the children will go astray as adults. This is because they will not be able to fully comprehend a loving God in the face of unloving parents.
If a child isn't sure whether a parent is abusive, they may want to seek the help of another person in their church, a counselor, or someone else. They need to discern whether the parent is worthy of following an obedience-based approach based on their outward conduct. Unfortunately, a parent may often mask therapy abuse in public only to take things out on their child in private. If this is the case, a child should never obey their parent, especially if they are sworn to secrecy regarding the abuse or threatened or harmed in any way.
If There Is Prevalent Sin
Although no one is perfect, there's a difference in someone's heart between someone who struggles with a sin and someone who's unrepentant and out of control with it. This is especially true of sexual sin. Sexual sin affects everyone involved as it exploits spouses and children in its wake. If the parent is struggling with pornography, molestation, or any other type of sexual sin, a child should not unthinkingly obey the parent and do as they say. Instead, they must speak to an adult and report the abuse as quickly as possible.
If the Parent Is Unfaithful
Another sexual sin that may prohibit a child from following a parent is if the parent is committing adultery against the other parent. In this case, their unfaithfulness disqualifies them from being a competent leader in the child's life. Although his spouses may go to counseling to resolve the problem and restore their marriage, the child does not have to follow a parent whose conduct in life is grievously misaligned with the Bible.
However, if a parent remarries and the child has a stepparent, the child must follow the stepparent until they can live on their own. The same rules apply to the stepparent's attitude toward the child. If the stepparent is involved in any of the above matters, like adultery or sexual sin, a child does not have to follow that stepparent. However, this does not give the child permission to be belligerent or rebellious against the stepparent, simply because they're upset that the parents divorced. Just because the situation is not ideal does not give children an excuse to misstep in that way.
If the Parent Struggles with Mental Illness
Additionally, some parents struggle with anxiety, depression, or other mental illnesses that prohibit them from being in their right mind. When this is the case, a child does not have to follow a parent’s instruction. For example, if a parent did something to their child that is clearly not logical or causes them to harm themselves in any way or harm others, this is not from God.
This is the time when your child needs to report to an appropriate adult what they were asked to do and allow the adult to handle the situation. A child can follow the parent's wants if the parent has received proper professional help and care that will enable them to get back on their feet.
In some cases, it is not mental illness but rather demonic influence. In this case, the child is absolutely forbidden to follow the parent in that way. A parent who is following the enemy, even if they don't know it, should never be obeyed. A child will be able to discern this if they're being asked to engage in behaviors that are either illegal or give way to illicit sin in their lives.
It is essential for children to learn obedience from a young age, but there are certain situations, like the ones above, where a child is not forced to obey. Children and adults need to learn discernment in this regard. In the same way that a parent needs to earn the right to speak into their child's life, a child needs to obey in all situations except those listed above.
Rebellion, independence, or other sinful behavior does not give the child permission to not follow the parent. If a child chooses to do this, they are no better in their conduct than the parent who isn't theirs. Tread carefully with the child who is being disobedient to their parents, discern the situation, and discipline accordingly.
Related: Do Adults Really Have to Honor and Obey Their Parents?
Originally published January 26, 2026.
