He Said-She Said: I'm Too Chicken!
- Kris Swiatocho and Cliff Young
- 2013 25 Apr
EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: I trust God to bring the mate he has in store for me, yet I’m afraid I may miss the opportunity because I’m so shy. I KNOW God is capable of giving me the desires of my heart, but I’m still a chicken to go after someone! Am I expected to put in a little work, or will someone just “fall into my lap”…?
Unless you think your soul mate is going to be a Jehovah’s Witness or delivery person, you’re going to have to leave your house to meet your future spouse. On second thought, most deliveries are just dropped at your door nowadays, so if you want to broaden your “fall in your lap” chances you’re even going to have to make an effort with the latter!
How does any athlete get better? By expecting their natural talent to take over or by pushing themselves to lift more weight, exercise more consistently, and train longer and harder? How do any of us get smarter? By waiting for knowledge and wisdom to be bestowed upon us or by studying, challenging ourselves academically, and experimenting by trial and error?
Our culture has made it desirable and acceptable to want (and feel we deserve) something for nothing.
Reaching our desired goals is not the result of one big providential “dropping,” but rather the consequence of many small intentional steps. What many of us have forgotten is most good things of “worth” takes work. Things don’t often just “happen” overnight, and God gives us the abilities for us to use for His greater good.
God IS definitely capable of delivering the desires of your heart, and, oftentimes, when he does they seem to appear out of nowhere. However, I also KNOW by experience, we often create our own opportunities by stepping out of our comfort zone, experiencing something new, stretching ourselves and testing our limits.
It’s in those situations, we discover not only something about ourselves, but many times find others who are doing the same.
Here’s something to consider as you mull over whether to sit and wait or to take some sort of action: “Are you more afraid of missing the person God created for you than (the possibility of) feeling awkward by approaching someone you want to meet?”
Your first step will take place when your desire outweighs your shyness.
First, let me assure you that God can do anything - and I mean anything. Yes, He can bring someone to you, to chase after you (or someone to chase, if you are a guy), lead you (or show you how to lead), love you, and marry you. But based on your letter, your concern is that you might miss him or her because of your shyness.
Please know that the type of person who will want you will love that you're shy. Your shyness will be an attribute. So the real question is…what is your part in letting someone know you are interested? What is your part to let them know it's OK to ask you out?
I believe with all my heart it's the role of the man to chase, lead, and pursue, and it's also our part as women to let them know we are interested in being pursued. If you are a man, the role might be more of a challenge, but read on.
So how can you let others know you are interested without coming across as too aggressive or assertive? I would practice some simple things such as working on better eye contact, keeping your head and shoulders straight, and nodding as you listen to people talk. I would get involved in various activities at your church or in your community (activities that might requite you to engage in actual conversation). I would spend time on my appearance - not to "make it about the outside" but to show you care about yourself. I would ask for friends to help you engage more. Lastly, but really the most important, I would pray when you go out. Pray for God to open the doors for conversation, for listening, and for joining in activities. As long as you seek God's desires, he will give you your desire.
So you don't talk as much as others. It's OK. Because the man or woman that seeks your heart will hopefully have been praying too. God may point them out without you even saying a word.
“A woman's heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her.” ― Maya Angelou
Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it (Psalms 37:4-5).
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is … Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is the author of three books: Singles and Relationships: A 31-Day Experiment (co-authored with Dick Purnell of Single Life Resources); From the Manger to the Cross: The Women in Jesus' Life; and the most recent, Jesus, Single Like Me with Study Questions (includes a leader's guide and conference/retreat of the same name).
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately (we think they sound similar sometimes, too!).
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to email@example.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.
Publication date: April 25, 2013