Why Aren't Single Guys Interested in Me?
- Kris Swiatocho and Cliff Young
- 2014 25 Sep
EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to email@example.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: I’m single, and I read every teaching about singleness to help me get through it. I devoted myself to the Lord and his service, and I offer myself as a living sacrifice, which I delight in doing. But the fact is, I’m surrounded by married men who express their appreciation to me, show affection to me, and say kind words. I don’t have an affair with them, but, sometimes, I wonder why it isn’t a single guy who speaks to me as they do. Do you have any guidance to help me deal with my feelings?
I can’t speak for the married men who are seemingly hitting on you, or for all of the single men who aren't, but, I will give you my best interpretation of your situation.
Married men who flirt with other women are more than likely not getting the emotional or physical attention they desire at home and are seeking to make their situation better (at least emotionally for themselves) through someone other than their wife.
They probably aren’t seeking a lasting commitment, but rather the immediate gratification of being desired again. Whatever the case, it is immoral and you are prudent to avoid situations that give them any encouragement to continue their pursuit.
Single guys on the other hand are, for the most part, seeking a long-term relationship which leads to marriage. Therefore, they are discriminating, cautious and mindful of the vibes they give out, especially to single women. Those who are seen as “too friendly” may send out the wrong message of being interested when they are not, or just be seen as a flirt.
The “Christian culture” adds a fascinating dichotomy to the mix.
We are encouraged and even commanded to show our love towards one another, as our brother or sister-in-Christ, but things get complicated when we have stronger feelings towards one another.
As a “family” of God, the whole community of believers feels they have the right to weigh in on their “brother” and “sister’s” impending relationship, which can deter guys from expressing their interest in someone until absolutely sure of their own feelings and of their interest's.
Although the guy should take the lead in a relationship, dropping a hint or letting him know you are attracted won’t hurt the situation.
If the life you are leading isn’t working, make yourself more accessible (away from work), do things outside of your normal routine and venture into new activities.
Many single men I know, including myself, have a lot of things going on, don’t currently feel led to date or haven’t found you yet, but are always looking. Be available.
Wow, first let me say be very, very careful with these married men. The enemy is clever and slippery (John 10:10). The enemy knows what your heart and flesh desires and has put the one thing in front of you both that feeds it. Please know, I totally understand what you are feeling as do most folks that are single. God created us to love and be loved. But no matter what, we have to be willing to wait on his perfect timing with his perfect choice for us. It's not worth the risk to ruin your life and the life/family of a married person. So first, let me try and answer some of your questions.
Married Men: People are sinful and a cute, young woman that is available is just what some married men are after. You are a challenge to them. They will continue to flirt with you as you let them. The more you smile, give them eye contact, giggle and such, the more they will do it. Some of them may even be trying to go farther, waiting for you to give them the next step. As a Christian, a single woman, you have to set the boundaries of your work relationships. No matter how comfortable you are working together you should not be flirting or vice versa (flirting while you are married is emotional adultery--this is where its starts). It's dangerous and inappropriate.
Single Men: A single guy at the present time has not done this due to God's timing. Would you just want any single man to flirt with you, pay you compliments, etc. or would you prefer it to be someone who is serious about getting to know you? Someone who would like to date you? Now are there Christian single men who flirt and compliment? Sure. But hopefully their focus is not only pleasing themselves, but pleasing God. Flirting among single adults is a normal behavior that can lead to wanting to spend time with someone. So if you have not had a single guy flirt, then you need to continue to wait on God.
Handling Feelings: OK, so you need to wait but how do you handle the feelings in the meantime? For me, I am careful about several things. First I have boundaries when it comes to TV, movies and books. I stopped watching chick flicks that often make me want something that is not real. I prefer to stop watching movies that glorify our flesh, adultery and other sins. I also have drawn closer to God, spending more time in his word and prayer. Also, I have a ton of friends that I hang out with who hold me accountable (and allow me to share my frustration). Some of these friends are guys who make me feel special. They are great huggers, tell me I look nice, help me to my car, etc. Because they are godly men, I never feel their affections are out of place or sinful.
So do I still struggle? Sure! It's a part of the journey. But the closer I am to God, he helps me with my feelings. So on those tough days, I run to HIM and not "him."
“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41).
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of three books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.
Publication date: September 25, 2014