The Trouble with the ‘True Love Waits’ Narrative
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- Updated Feb 29, 2024
The generation that is growing up now is looking for the truth. The world has presented them with more information than they need at ages earlier than they are prepared to handle it. As a result, they are sent on a quest for truth earlier than generations prior. They are looking for the real deal.
I keep this in mind as I talk to my middle and high school family members about sexuality. I am keenly aware that they know more than they should but are more confused than we can imagine. Teens and young adults are hearing narratives that vary from “doing what you want when you want,” to “sex should be avoided at all costs.” Basically, it’s a really confusing and overwhelming world for our kids.
What they need from their trusted Christian adults and mentors is the ability to freely discuss the many questions they have about the many things they are seeing and hearing when it comes to how to handle living as a sexual being. The bottom line is we have to be real, open, and available to our growing kids because they need a refuge as they grow up in a culture equivalent to the wild wild west of sexuality and relationships.
Problems with the ‘True Love Waits’ Narrative
I grew up in the ‘true love waits’ era of the church. Now, I have been married for 15 years, and I realize that this narrative set me up for trouble, yet I hear part of this idea being brought back around in church. We have to be careful not to sell our kids a fairy tale when it comes to biblical sexuality.
In my story, my husband did all the things right. I wore the promise ring, and we waited until our wedding day to have sex, but we didn’t trail off into the sunset without any further problems when it came to sex and relationship just because we did the ‘right thing.’ Waiting to have sex to get married doesn’t guarantee a perfect marriage; it's just the first step in living in obedience to God’s rules when it comes to sex.
That commitment to faithfulness, self-control, and surrender to God’s plan continues over the entirety of your life. Marriage requires work, forgiveness, grace, and sometimes still fails even if we ‘did it all right’ at the start. Sexual obedience is not a formula to snag prince charming, it’s about being a dedicated follower of God’s narrow way.
The truth we need to share with the next generation is that sexual temptation has to be dealt with at every stage and age. You begin practicing self-control as a young person when your sexuality awakens. This practice prepares you for the commitment, trust, and self-control required to build a marriage that honors God and, by God’s grace, will last until death.
Sex in marriage is good, but it’s not the magic reward for ‘waiting.’ It's not a guarantee that the person you choose will always choose you back, and it does not mean that you won’t have to work to learn from your partner so you can best be able to fulfill each other's desires and needs. When we don’t paint a full picture of God’s plan for sexuality, we fail to prepare the next generation for what biblical marriage and sexuality look like.
Real life is actually more romantic than the fairy tale. Biblical marriage is about staying faithful even when we fail each other. A long-lasting biblical marriage is a story of grace and forgiveness that goes far beyond our wildest dreams. That’s what Christ does for us, and our marriages are meant to reflect the story of the Bible.
True Love Comes from Christ Alone
‘True love waits’ leaves those who have engaged in sex prior to marriage feel they are less capable of living out a biblical marriage. True love works to build trust in a relationship, accepts forgiveness, and washes us clean of all our wrongs, and ultimately, true love is only possible through God. He is love (1 John 4:8). God is the source in a biblical marriage. When we surrender our pasts to him, we are able to build a beautiful life of mutual respect and love. It’s his love that covers us, not our own ability, that sustains us.
Same-Sex Attracted Christians
For those believers who struggle with same-sex attraction, the ‘true love waits’ idea leaves them stuck with no answer for how to handle the sexual desires they are grappling with.
If God’s only plan for sexuality is heterosexual marriage, then how do they proceed?
Marriage is not the magic answer for those who don’t fit the common mold.
We need a better response.
God’s message about sexuality is that it’s something that we all have to surrender to Him. Sex can be a gift, but it’s also like the tongue, if we don't control it, destruction is right around the corner.
For some, the trap around the corner is porn, it could be an extramarital relationship that makes you feel seen and loved again, it could be engaging with multiple partners, and the list goes on of ways that untamed sexual desire can lead us away from the light.
Thankfully, God’s Holy Spirit both empowers us to overcome temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13), and God’s blood washes us clean from sin (1 John 1:7) that wants to drag us into chaos and away from God’s order.
The message our same-sex attracted brothers and sisters need is that your specific brand of temptation has not disqualified you from God’s love. We are all called to trust God to help us place our desires under his control. I, as a married heterosexual woman, have to surrender my desire for certain sexual experiences or relational thrills to the Lord just as those who are of the same-sex attracted.
It may be harder for those in the camp of same-sex attraction as often the life they may be called to live is one of singleness, but God’s promises that no matter what we face in this life he is his grace is sufficient to meet our needs (2 Corinthians 12:9). If we believe God is who he said he is, we have to believe his love is enough to carry us through this life to the next with joy and grace even when our struggles are heavy and hard.
This is not a popular message, but it’s what the Bible actually teaches.
The icing on the cake is that when any of us stumble, we always have the chance to repent, which means we change course. We shift our trajectory to follow that of Christ’s, and he offers his cleansing blood to make us a new creation. God never gives up on us.
God’s word does not need to be changed to answer the tough questions about sexuality and relationships. God calls us to a narrow way. As life goes on, easy answers to life’s tough questions leave us wanting. Our kids deserve a robust answer when they bring to us life's hardest questions, struggles, and opportunities.
Photo Credit: © Getty Images/Motortion
