Why Can't I Ever Fit In?

Vivian Bricker Contributing Writer
Published Oct 05, 2023

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Many of us struggled to fit in at school, but not many of us as adults talk about not being able to fit in. Unfortunately for many of us, we never “fit in” with any sort of friend group.

Maybe we tried to fit in with certain friend groups, only to find out that we have nothing in common with them.

This can be disappointing, and it can also really hurt our feelings. It is at these times that we can ponder the question, “Why can’t I ever fit in?”

You Are Unique

"I don't have the right name or the right looks, but I have twice the heart" ("Just One Yesterday," Fall Out Boy).

I understand the pain of feeling as though you never belong or fit in with anyone. This can be hurtful and cause you to have feelings of low self-worth or low self-esteem.

If you have experienced any of these bad feelings due to not fitting in, know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are uniquely you. There is no one like you in the entire world. God created you with a specific purpose in mind that only you can fulfill.

The Bible tells us, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:13-14).

As this Bible verse tells us, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Other versions of the Bible translate “fearfully” to be “remarkably made” (Holman Christian Standard Bible).

The latter can be seen as a more accurate translation and one that helps us better understand how special we are to God.

Think of this truth when you are feeling bad about not fitting in. God created you remarkably and wonderfully. Maybe you were never meant to fit in, and that’s a good thing.

I remember being in elementary school, middle school, and college, hoping I would fit in with one of the groups. Maybe you also yearned to somehow fit in, yet it always was out of reach for you.

It wasn’t until these past few months, upon reflecting on the desire to fit in, that I discovered it was never a bad thing that I didn’t fit in. While we all aspire to be in a friend group or to fit in with the artsy, musical, or sports friend groups, maybe the best thing for us is to not fit in.

Through not fitting in, we can actually discover the things that truly matter to us and shape us into the people we become.

Experience with Bullying — A Different Perspective

As mentioned, I never really fit in with the different groups in schools or in college. A particularly difficult time for me was middle school.

During sixth grade, I was relentlessly bullied at a school, and it caused me to be homeschooled for the rest of middle school and high school. It wasn’t until college that I was once again exposed to friend groups, who I thought would truly be lasting friends.

I used to always associate bullying with something negative as it contributed to me developing an eating disorder and depression; however, recently, I have been able to see it in a more positive way.

Bullying is always negative, yet we can choose to look at the ways it hurt us, or we can look at how we grew from the experience.

If I had never been bullied in sixth grade, I would have never been homeschooled, and if I never went to homeschool, I would have never found myself at the Christian college I attended for undergrad.

If I never attended this Christian college, I wouldn’t have heard the gospel for the first time and accepted Jesus as my Savior and Lord. Therefore, bullying was a terrible thing, yet it ultimately led me to know Jesus and place faith in Him.

It can be challenging to see the positives in the negative, yet I encourage you to do this concerning something difficult in your own life. Try to see the good that was the result of the bad thing.

It won’t happen overnight, as it took me over a decade to see the positive result of the bullying I endured. This isn’t to invalidate any of your pain because all of your feelings are valid and important.

This is just challenging you to try to see the good that came out of a bad situation. To see what the negative thing took from you, but to also see what it gave you.

I also learned the important lesson that maybe it’s okay not to fit in with those around you. Maybe those of us who never fit in are beautiful, wonderful, and remarkably made just as we are, even though our peers never felt that way about us or even grown adults we are around now.

What if God never created you to fit in, but to stand out and to make a difference for His Kingdom? We should never want to blend in with the world to the point that others cannot see Christ in us.

Rather than seeing Christ, they would just see another person living according to the world, claiming to be a Christian.

Family of God

God hasn’t called us to be a part of the world, but to be set apart from the world (John 15:19). It is true that none of us can escape living in the world, yet we can do all we can to prevent ourselves from becoming just like the world.

God doesn’t want us to just become one other person in suburbia. He called us out of everyone to be His own child and to follow Him. God has divinely chosen you and has declared you as His child. There is nothing greater than knowing that you belong to the family of God.

You might have never fit in with anyone, but you do fit in with the family of God. In fact, the family of God loves you just as you are and welcomes you with open arms.

Fitting in with people in school, at work, or in social settings might be something you will always yearn for, but try to rest in the peace that you belong to God, and you are part of His family. You are always wanted, loved, and cared about in the family of God and by God Himself.

If you are feeling especially alone today or you are feeling as though you don’t fit in, don’t allow it to get you down. Turn back to the Lord and rest in the knowledge of knowing that you belong to His family.

Never will God turn you away and never will you not belong in His family. Once you are part of the family of God, you are eternally part of the family of God. You always fit in here, and God will always be by your side.

I understand how much it can hurt to not fit in, but know that there is nothing wrong with you. If people cannot appreciate you in all of your uniqueness, that is their problem.

Sadly, many people can be snobby or judgmental if you don’t fit the mold, they have cast. God didn’t create you with a mold — rather, He made you uniquely you and He never makes mistakes. You are always welcomed and always belong to the family of God.

For further reading:

Why Is it So Hard to Find Real Friends?

How to Be Wise When Choosing Your Friends

What Is Authentic Love?

Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master's degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.