Four Learning To Live Without Anger

I tried to breathe and relax, but my anger had taken over. I looked at my watch and thought about how long it had taken us to go five miles, and then estimated that we still had forty more to go, and I began thinking, Thanks to this stupid traffic I am not going to get to the retreat in time to unpack and relax a bit, which means I am probably going to be frazzled and won’t do well speaking tonight. Or worse, I may not make it at all—how awful would that be? They flew me all the way out here and I am a “no show”—all because of this traffic! Stupid airplanes! Stupid cars! All of this was going on inside of me, and it was building. I could feel anger moving through my body.

Then my brother looked at me and noticed the look on my face. It is hard to hide anger. He said, “What’s the matter?” I said, “Mike, I am getting really ticked off at this traffic, I mean, we are going to be late at best, and maybe worse.” Mike started to smile. “Relax, pal, we’re fine.” “Fine? We are not fine!” I shot back. “Yes we are. Remember, you are in my world now. I drive this way all of the time. It’s always jammed here at this time of day. It opens up in about a mile. We should get there with an hour and half before you need to be there.”

My blood pressure lowered slightly. Sure enough, within a few minutes we started moving faster, and soon we were flying along the freeway. He was wrong, though, about his estimated arrival time. We arrived an hour and forty-five minutes ahead of time. I was able to take a shower, rest, pray and relax, and I was ready and refreshed for my talk that evening. Lying in bed that night, I was embarrassed about how angry I had gotten over nothing, but more than that, I wanted to know why and how I got so angry.

For the past few months I had been studying anger—its causes and effects—so it was on my mind and was something I had been praying about for a while. My experience on the 405 made everything clear. In fact, it was a perfect case study on anger. I examined what had happened: I did not expect to hit traffic; my brother did. I began to have fearful thoughts about the consequences of being late; my brother did not. Bottom line: I got very angry; my brother did not. Though we had the same outer experience, we reacted differently. Over the next few months I learned much about anger and how living in the kingdom of God can help us manage it.

Unmet Expectations Plus Fear

There are different kinds of anger. A common type is visceral anger, the kind that hits us immediately, as when a waiter accidentally spills food onto our lap. There is very little lag time between the action and the reaction. It all happens very fast and our bodies react. We can work on this kind of anger, but it is not something we can prepare for. Jesus’ apprentices can learn to respond differently to visceral anger, but this will take time.

A second type of anger, one that is more common and more damaging to the soul, is meditative anger. This kind of anger grows over a period of time. The more we stew on it, the worse it becomes. We can work on this anger more easily because we have more time to process the narratives that cause it.

Visceral and meditative anger are fueled by two ingredients, unmet expectations and fear, that, when united, ignite into a strong emotion. Unmet expectations are the occasion for anger. For example, we agree to meet a friend for lunch at noon, but the friend shows up at 12:20. We expected our friend to be there by noon. Most of us would feel a series of emotions, such as mild irritation or worry. But at this point anger has not occurred; this situation would not normally send someone into a rage. Most of us sit patiently and wait, and when our friend arrives we ask for an explanation.

But now we add fear. While we wait, we begin to think about why our friend is late. Being late without a good reason shows a lack of respect. So we begin to think this lunch partner is showing us very little respect. I bet she wouldn’t be late if she were dining with the president, you mutter inwardly. Suddenly anger begins to stir. What does this have to do with fear? We fear we are not valuable, that we are not important. It is good, old-fashioned insecurity. The initial unmet expectation has moved to a level of threat. This person is disrespecting us, disregarding our time and feelings. How dare she? The anger builds.

Let’s add another unmet expectation: We look at our watch and realize that even if our partner arrives in the next second, our lunch time has been reduced. We will have to order hurriedly, eat hastily and perhaps be a few minutes late to the next appointment. Our expectation of a nice, leisurely lunch with good food and conversation has now been destroyed. We cycle back to the thoughts of disrespect, and the anger builds. Not only does she not care about making me wait, she also has no regard for my well-being. At this point we are seething.

Then let’s say our friend arrives and tells us cavalierly that she almost forgot about lunch, and by the way, “Sorry for being a little late.” Now our fears are legitimized: this person forgot us, therefore, we are not important. In this case, the tardy person will likely feel the heat of anger. Perhaps we will attack her verbally: “How could you forget! Am I that unimportant to you? I can’t believe you made me wait here for twenty minutes—and not even call!” Or perhaps we will be passive-aggressive, growing quiet and barely speaking. Or more commonly, perhaps we will make a snide comment: “That’s typical of you, isn’t it?” Any way, we want our friend to feel our anger. We cannot let her off the hook.

But let’s play it out another way. Our friend arrives late with a gash on her head and explains that she was in a fender-bender and had to deal with the other driver and the police for the last twenty minutes. “I actually would have been here early for lunch. I am so sorry about making you wait.” What happens to our anger? It disappears. Instantly. And now a new set of emotions emerge: shame for being angry, sorrow for her condition and concern for her well-being. We go from anger to compassion in a matter of seconds.

Note that everything that has transpired has occurred internally. The unmet expectation was mildly annoying, as they always are. Traffic jams, slow bank tellers and long lines at the grocery store usually make us irritated. But there is no perceived threat at this point. No one is directly hurting us. In fact, no one is to blame. It is only when we are threatened in some way that we get angry. Where does the “threat” come from?

Life is full of unmet expectations. Each day, I estimate, we encounter anywhere from ten to one hundred of them, and we cannot control them. But we can control, or at least better manage, our fears by living in the kingdom of God. We first need to examine the narratives that lead to anger, and then dig a little deeper to find out where they come from. Once we have done this, we can replace the false narratives with the narratives of Jesus.

False Imperative Narratives (FINs)

Which of the FINs are you familiar with?

Throughout this series we have looked at false narratives that cause so many of our problems (such as believing that God will punish us for our sins). When it comes to anger, the narratives behind this emotion have a unique, imperative quality to them. Imperative implies command and control and usually is expressed using words like must, always and never. The following are a list of “imperative narratives” that I believe are the causes of anger, frustration and stress.

• I am alone.

• Things always have to go as I want them.

• Something terrible will happen if I make a mistake.

• I must be in control all of the time.

• Life must always be fair and just.

• I need to anticipate everything that will happen to me today.

• I need to be perfect all of the time.

Each narrative is full of fear and the need to be in control. Our problem is fear, and we think control is the solution.

Take, for example, “I must be in control all of the time.” The fear behind this narrative is that if I am not in control, things will go very badly. The narrative expands to include the many ways the world will fall apart when we are not in charge. If we cannot control our work environment, things will go badly and we will lose our job and become poor and not be able to eat. If we cannot control the economy, the weather or our family members, then all hell will break loose. This need to control leads us to turn to our own resources, which is an occasion for sin—“walking in the flesh.”

Walking in the Flesh

Paul uses the phrase walking in the flesh in opposition to being led by the Spirit. “Live by the Spirit, I say, and do not gratify the desires of the flesh. For what the flesh desires is opposed to the Spirit, and what the Spirit desires is opposed to the flesh” (Galatians 5:16-17).

Many people assume that flesh refers to the body. But the “flesh” here is not the physical body but rather living from one’s own resources, in opposition to (or at least neglect of) God and his resources. The early church preacher John Chrysostom wrote, “The flesh is not the body, nor the essence of the body, but an evil disposition.” There is a disposition within us that is prone to wander from God, and when we roam we are “walking in the flesh.” Those who live (or walk) in the flesh rely on their own capacity to solve problems.

Explain how living in the flesh is sinful.

When people think of fleshly or carnal sins, they think of lust and fornication, or drunkenness and carousing, which certainly are carnal. These behaviors are used to find happiness in something other than God. But fleshly sins also include pride and jealousy, worry and false judgment, resentment and anger. Unrighteous anger rarely happens when we are led by the Spirit. It is spawned by not seeing our situation in light of God’s kingdom.

Jesus’ Narrative

The very first issue of the heart Jesus addresses in the Sermon on the Mount is anger.

You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, “You shall not murder”; and “whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.” But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment; and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council; and if you say, “You fool,” you will be liable to the hell of fire. (Matthew 5:21-22)

Many people believe that righteousness is determined by external actions, and therefore if we have not outwardly broken a commandment (e.g., struck or killed someone) we have kept the law and are therefore considered righteous. But Jesus goes deeper, into the heart, the place where all actions spring. He says, “if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment.”

Why? Is he making it harder to be righteous? Is he raising the bar so that no one can make it? Is he more strict than Moses? No. Jesus understands the human heart—and the heart is his primary concern, not merely outward actions. The heart full of anger, the heart that hates, is not far from the heart that would murder. In fact, it is essentially the same inner condition. All that is missing is the actual act. Jesus understands that an angry person would actually harm someone if he or she could get away with it.

When Jesus commands his apprentices not to be angry, he is showing us the way to a good and beautiful life. His command implies that we can actually do it. Many people cannot imagine living without anger. But it is possible, otherwise Jesus would not have instructed us to live without it. Unfortunately, if we hear the command “do not be angry” and think we must do this on our own strength (i.e., in the flesh), we will fail and will begin to resent Jesus for commanding it. For an explanation of how we learn to live without anger, we have to look at the rest of Jesus’ teachings, his overall narratives.

The narratives of the kingdom of God are quite different from the FINs. Here they are side by side:

Where do you think perfection comes from?

These kingdom narratives are based on the reality of the presence and power of God. For Jesus, the kingdom was not simply a nice idea, but a very real place—life with God, which is available to all. Outside the kingdom of God we are on our own. We must protect ourselves, fight for our rights and punish those who offend us. Inside the kingdom of God, life is much different. God is with us, protecting us and fighting for our well-being. Knowing this, much of our anger will diminish.

From fear to trust. In the kingdom of God, Jesus informs us, we can trust our heavenly Father. I learned about trust a few years ago. My daughter Hope and I were at one of my son’s many baseball games. She went off to a swing with a friend. She never left my field of vision, but I moved from one part of the stands to another. When she turned to see me in the stands she thought that I was gone; she welled up with tears and began running to the stands. Only about thirty seconds went by, but within that time she lost her breath and began panting with fear. I said, “Hope, I am over here,” and she came running. “How could you leave me!” she said, trembling. “I never left you,” I said, “and I never lost sight of you. You just lost sight of me.” She calmed down quickly, but the fear took a while to subside.

How does trust diffuse anger?

We may lose sight of God, but God never loses sight of us. God gives us space to experiment, grow and mature; God never intrudes. But this doesn’t mean God is not with us, is not watching us, is not intimately familiar with our comings and goings. Jesus promised: “I will never leave you or forsake you.” Jesus’ narrative is that God permits nothing to happen to us that he cannot redeem and use for good. In the kingdom of heaven God is always near. We are never alone and never need to be afraid. When I live with this reality deep in my mind and heart, anger cannot get a grip on me. I certainly have many unmet expectations each day, but when fear is not present, anger does not arise.

To make headway with our anger, we need to fill our minds with kingdom narratives. Andrew Lester writes,

How do people change? . . . [C]hange occurs only when a person’s stories are reconfigured, reframed, or re-authored. . . . The only way to change is to change our narrative. . . . We have the capacity to develop new images—that is, new narratives—to replace those that produce undesirable “scripts” (stories) which make us vulnerable to anger.

We can change our narratives. It will not be quick or easy, but it is possible.

The Case for Anger

Before discussing how to deal with anger in healthy ways, it is important to recognize what is good about anger. God designed us with the capacity for anger. Yet all of us are embarrassed by our angry outbursts, which often leave a trail of hurt and pain. So, why did God make anger possible? Anger is the correct response to injustice, and we are naturally opposed to injustice because we are created in the image of a just God. Many Christians think anger is always sinful and therefore repress or swallow it, which is not the best way to deal with anger. Becoming angry, in some cases, is the right course of action.

There are two instances in the Gospels when Jesus got angry. The first was when the Pharisees missed the point of the law (in this case, when Jesus healed on the sabbath [Mk 3:5]). The other is when Jesus drove the money changers out of the temple:

Then Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who were selling and buying in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who sold doves. He said to them, “It is written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer’; but you are making it a den of robbers.” (Matthew 21:12-13)

Jesus was clearly angry, yet he was also sinless. Therefore, being angry is not always sinful. In fact, Jesus’ anger was completely justified. There is such a thing as righteous anger, and there is a right response to it. “Righteous anger consists in getting angry at the things that anger God, and then seeking a proper remedy to correct the wrong.”

Describe a time when you felt your anger was righteous.

We ought to be angry about things like child abuse, the rich exploiting the poor, fraud, deception and neglect. It is right to become upset about injustice. This motivates us to work toward change. In The Good and Beautiful God I wrote about the wrath of God, which is a right reaction to sin and evil. I used Mothers Against Drunk Driving as an example of how anger can be constructive and lead to positive change.

The apostle Paul counsels, “Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not make room for the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). By saying “be angry” Paul is not encouraging anger. He recognizes it is a part of life, and instead of repressing it he instructs that we should not let the sun go down on our anger. Archibald Hart explains, “Paul is saying here that it is not the anger itself (the feeling) that is wrong, but that anger has the potential for leading you into sin. To feel anger, to tell someone that you feel angry, and to talk about your anger are both healthy and necessary.”

When we let the sun go down on our anger, we allow it to poison our souls. This is why Paul follows with the warning “do not make room for the devil.” The Greek word for “room” is topos, which means “place or footing.” Unexpressed and unresolved anger give the enemy a foothold to work from. Anger easily can be turned into resentment (Why does she always neglect me? or He always gets what I deserve) and despair (Life is unfair, why even try?). So we need to examine the cause of our anger. Perhaps it is right-eous anger, which can lead us to correct an injustice. The vast majority of my anger is unrighteous and is a natural outgrowth of the FINs I have to fight.

Remember: Change Takes Time

When has God used a trial to shape your character?

The day I sat in traffic on the 405 freeway was the first day I really examined my anger and began to work toward change, thanks to the prompting and power of the Holy Spirit. Since that day I have come a long way. I understand a lot more about what causes anger and how to diffuse it. But I am not entirely free of anger. Tonight I got mad at my dog because he stole my sandwich. I called him unpleasant things in a not-so-polite tone. But a few minutes later I laughed. I think being able to laugh at ourselves is a pretty good sign that we are progressing. Just remember to give yourself grace. Change is slow. As long as we continue to work on changing our narrative and engage in spiritual exercises, we will see changes.

Soul Training

Keeping the Sabbath

Keeping the sabbath is a spiritual exercise that can help us better deal with our anger. This may seem strange because anger and sabbath keeping do not seem to have much in common. But there is a strong connection. Anger is about unmet expectations and fear. Sabbath is about trusting God and his ways. As Norman Wirzba notes,

Sabbath rest is thus a call to Sabbath trust, a call to visibly demonstrate in our daily living that we know ourselves to be upheld and maintained by the grace of God rather than the strength and craftiness of our own hands. To enjoy a Sabbath day, we must give up our desire for total control. We must learn to live by the generosity of manna falling all around us.

Anger is a result of our need to control (unmet expectations) and fear, and the sabbath teaches us to trust in God’s strength. Sabbath keeping, therefore, is the perfect exercise to help us deal with anger.

Sabbath forces us out of the role of God in our lives. Allowing God to take care of us, we relax and enjoy life. That is essentially what it means to rest. That is why sleep is such an important part of the sabbath. Sleep is an act of trust. We let go. We trust that no one will harm us even though we have no proof that all will be well.

Rest. Trust. Surrendering control. These are the core elements of sabbath keeping, and they help us deal with anger. But there is even more to sabbath keeping than simply refraining from activity. Sabbath keeping is also a matter of joy and delight. Jesus did not keep the sabbath legalistically. On many occasions he performed actions on the sabbath that the Pharisees thought were sinful. For example, he healed people, and on one occasion he and his disciples picked some corn that they later ate. Jesus smartly observed, “The sabbath was made for humankind, and not humankind for the sabbath; so the Son of Man is lord even of the sabbath” (Mark 2:27-28)

Like any other spiritual practice, the sabbath easily degenerates into legalism. But Jesus says the sabbath is a gift, not a set of laws. Jesus certainly kept the sabbath, for he never sinned. He kept the sabbath in the right spirit.

How can we practice sabbath keeping? A rule of thumb is to start small. Here are some of the things I like to do.

• Take some time to plan your sabbath. Which day will you do it? What will you do? What will you eat?

• Start in the evening with a special meal for you, your family and friends.

• Light a candle or two at the center of the table when everyone has come to the table. You might want to use this ancient Jewish prayer, typically said by the woman of the home: “Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the Universe, who hast sanctified us by Thy commandments and commanded us to kindle the Sabbath lights.”

• During the meal it is customary for the man of the house (the father, if there are children) to bless everyone at the table. I usually keep this informal (e.g., I tell my children how much I love them and how proud I am of them). This can be very special.

• Play games!

• Eat great food that you love. I live by the unwritten (and unsubstantiated) rule that calories do not count on the sabbath!

• Go to church together (if you choose Sunday as your sabbath).

• Try not to eat out (it makes others work), which will mean having food prepared by you for the next day.

• Nap!

• Set aside some time for private prayer.

• Read a good devotional book or write in your journal.

• Look over the list of blessings you created earlier in the curriculum (in the first book, The Good and Beautiful God, pp. 70-71), and give thanks.

• Spend some time reading the Bible—just don’t make it a heavy study.

• Practice hospitality—invite friends to eat with you.

A common question: Is there a certain day of the week we should keep the sabbath? In my view, no. For Jewish people and Seventh-day Adventists, it is Saturday (or sundown Friday evening to sundown Saturday evening). But since the fourth century most Christians observed the sabbath on Sunday, the day the Lord rose from the grave. This allowed Christians to honor the ancient sabbath and Jesus’ resurrection. Sunday works best for most Christians because they have the day off. Nevertheless, I do not believe that any certain day is the right day. (For pastors, Sunday is about the last day for them to experience rest!)